Gabrielquotes

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Well, it’s been six months. The new tranche of Police & Crime Commissioners have so far worked their way through £1.5m of salaries, not counting those of their deputies, staff and offices.

For those readers who live in sensible countries, I should explain that last year, our beloved Coalition government abandoned the traditional system of having police forces supervised by elected local councillors – that was an affront to British democracy – and replaced them with 41, erm, elected officials, all highly-paid and mainly clueless, all in the interests of high standards, value-for-money and good governance, of course.

This week, Gabrielquotes asks: has the new system been a success or has everything fallen to PCCs? Let’s see what they’ve been getting up to…

Democracy

The first ever set of elections for PCCs resulted in the lowest ever peacetime turnout. Several polling stations remained open all day without being visited by a single voter. All in all, 8.4m people voted across the country – so the elections had lower ‘viewing figures’ than the Doctor Who Christmas special. And they were also less well-organised and less realistic and worse value-for-money.

Value for money

Thames Valley PCC Anthony Stansfeld (Conservative) has defended himself against claims of “fiddling expenses” by releasing the following modest statement:

The scandal from which he was trying to extricate himself involved his employing a “support worker and chauffeur” on a £20k salary.

The other big PCC-chauffeur-related scandal has been that of Cumbria’s new policemeister, Richard Rhodes (Conservative – spotted the trend yet?). Questioned by his local Police & Crime Panel about why he only agreed to repay his £700 expense claim for a chauffeur-driven Mercedes after it became public knowledge, he said:

I had been uncomfortable about the cost that had been incurred from the moment I became aware about it. I had been considering repaying the cost, but there had been no imperative to make the decision quickly.

What a brilliant excuse. Definitely going to remember that one.

“Yes, officer; I’ve been deeply uncomfortable about that spree of jewel thefts but until my guilt was made public, there had been no imperative to make the decision quickly.”

Eradicating cronyism

Katy Bourne’s new appointment to increase the diversity of her office

Sussex’s Katy Bourne (Conservative) has made a fellow local Tory to be her Deputy PCC, rejecting outright a recommendation from the local Police & Crime Panel – which held the confirmation hearing – that Steve Waight should not be appointed. According to a ‘not for publication’ minute of the meeting acquired by this blog, the Panel was concerned that there was “no information to explain the nature of the [£45,000 p.a.] role,” and that the nominee did not have “the requisite level of personal independence.”

Katy ignored these findings, refused to publish them and went ahead with the appointment. Three cheers for democratic reforms to policing!

Meanwhile, West Yorkshire’s PCC Mark Burns-Williamson openly refused to consider non-Labour Party members for appointment as his £53k Deputy. I’d always thought that restricting public appointments to those within The Party was more of a Soviet tradition than a Yorkshire one, but who knew.

Engaging with the youf

Paris Brown: “tough on tweets, tough on the causes of tweets.”

Kent’s Ann Barnes (independent) showed that she could connect with law-abiding young people by employing a racist, homophobic drug-user as the country’s first and, please God, only Youth Police & Crime Commissioner.

Paris Brooks, 17, was to have been paid a £15k salary, her job description consisting largely of ‘being young’, until it was observed that her Twitter account contained such pro-establishment gems as, “I want to f***ing cut everyone around me.”

Threats of violence made in jest are forgivable, but to split an infinitive and still expect to hold public office?

In a press statement, Ann Barnes said, “I had literally no idea that I was supposed to check people out before employing them. I’ll bear that in mind for next time,” shortly before she appointed Lord Archer as her Best Practice Officer and Dr Crippen as ‘Crimes Within the Medical Sector Tsar’.

Formulating policy

Out of 41 PCCs, only eight consider it a priority to “protect the public from serious harm.” That’s the conclusion of a statistical analysis of the 41 new Police and Crime Plans. It also found that only four PCCs will be aiming to “deliver quality policing services,” while a mere two have made it a top priority to “reduce repeat domestic abuse.”

The others, it appears, are indifferent to domestic abuse, quality policing and ‘serious harm’. Especially the serious harm caused by young girls f***ing cutting everyone around them.

Though to be fair, even those who have decided to go with these really obvious priorities – such as the eight PCCs, that’s just one-fifth, who are hoping to “reduce burglaries,” have no clear strategy, and appear just to be spouting insipid rhetoric, carefully tailored to be populist in their individual constituency.

Getting involved in the judicial system

Obviously courts are an important part of the criminal justice system, and Lincolnshire’s PCC Alan Hardwick (independent) hasn’t been neglecting this fact.

After suspending his Chief Constable without telling him why, Hardwick’s actions were ruled “irrational and perverse” by the High Court and the suspension was overturned.

Defending himself, Mr Rationality told the media, “My fear is that in future any PCC who makes any decision which is [...] controversial is going to be looking over his or her shoulder.”

Mmm. I hate it when that happens in a democracy.

Conclusion

So, what a success this has been. Low turnout and lawsuits; cronyism and corruption. The British people (or at least one in seven of us) have handed control of our police forces to dance teachers and bakers, irational perverts and even those who don’t consider ‘preventing serious harm’ to be a priority.

I don’t like to say, “I told you so,” but… well…

Let’s see what happens over the next six months. Surely we’ll get the first resignation by then?

Tags: gabriel webber

At one point during the 14th Plenary Assembly of the World Jewish Congress, when the whole of central Budapest was shut down and police motorbikes cleared the roads for our motorcade, my colleague Elliot said, “This moment makes the whole event worthwhile.”

But the same could be said of many moments. How many times, for instance, have you been rugby-tackled by a multibillionaire’s bodyguard? Or shared a lift with both the Chief Rabbi of the Ukraine and New Zealand’s ambassador to Trinidad? I’m guessing not that often…

Another highlight was hearing the sentence, “Stop chatting: the Prime Minister of Hungary will not enter until you are all seated in silence.” There I was thinking that finally, I might have broken in to The Big Conspiracy; whereas in fact, I’d ended up in what was apparently a primary school.

However, these were the small things. I also had some big concerns.

How about: 1) Doom; 2) Gloom; 3) Anti-Semitism; and 4) Pogroms. #wjc13 #optimisticvoices http://t.co/ESDdMcDBdR

—
Gabriel Webber (@gabrielquotes) May 07, 2013

Everything was negative. Person after person stood up to list anti-Semitic attacks, anti-Israel statements, bias in the media, neo-Nazi political parties. I know that [some of] this stuff is real, but there’s surely more to Jewish life than being defensive and xenophobic and completely overlooking the positive, religious/cultural/educational side of things.

‘One of the people’ – WJC President Ronald S Lauder

Then there’s the democracy. Now, having been a Returning Officer I think I know a bit about this. I certainly know better than to  say, “Following extensive negotiations behind the scenes, I can now proudly announce that the election for Treasurer is uncontested.”

Do we not believe in giving the people a say? Apparently not. So much so that, to avoid another contested election (for ‘Chair of the Policy Council’), a hasty constitutional amendment was introduced – and I mean hasty, as in, 2am, The Thick of It hasty – inventing the office of ‘Co-Chair of the Policy Council’ to save the embarassment of having the delegates actually exercise our vote.

The seating was arranged in alphabetical order, and as my eyes widened in astonishment at these pronouncements from on high, I couldn’t help glancing over my shoulder to see what the Zimbabwean representative thought of this democracy. He had a blank face.

That said, one of the two candidates occupies the perfect position on the global rich list for a Jewish oligarch. Yes, I was privileged to meet the person who is, according to Forbes, the 613th richest person in the world.

So anyway, that was WJC ’13. By the waters of Budapest we sat down and wept for Zion. And wept. And wept. And wept.

Hopefully in four years’ time the Jewish people will have found an activity other than weeping. But equally, I hope there’ll be another motorcade.

If you want to read more of me whining, idealistically, about the WJC, see my guest post on the ‘Changing the Board’ blog here.

Prints, shoots and leaves

You’ve got to love technology. 3D printing is gradually becoming a reality, and it could improve so many people’s lives: imagine if hospitals could easily ‘print’ hip replacements, or ordinary households could perform complicated car repairs in just a few minutes.

The Mail on Sunday and the Telegraph have found another way for their readers to improve their lives: ‘printing’ a gun.

The thought of Telegraph and Mail readers, of all the country’s newspapers, having access to technology capable of creating weaponry is the most terrifying.

THREAT: Fury over Pakistani shopkeeper unable to speak English. A shocked British customer said “that’s the last time I come to Pakistan,”

—
The DM Reporter (@DMReporter) May 06, 2013

If we see a sudden rush of new immigrant-detention centres being built out of slightly shoddy-looking layers of plastic, we’ll know that the Mail on Sunday has finally offered its clientele a free 3D printer with their paper, and humanity as we know it will end.

Stephen Hawking scandal

The Jewish Chronicle has news:

Yes, you heard them: galactic. Not ‘big’, not ‘considerable’ – galactic.

This wasn’t their full story, but it might as well have been:

A quick apology

In the recent past, this blog may have portrayed the World Jewish Congress as an undemocratic organisation, a body with an aversion to free voting, which goes to extraordinary lengths to avoid people expressing their views.

However, following the revelation that the Royal Society elected Prince Andrew as a ‘fellow’ after a referendum which provided only a ‘YES’ box, Gabrielquotes now realises that the WJC is a paragon of democracy and could teach the rest of the world a lesson.

List of delegates to this blog post

In tonight’s episode, the World Jewish Congress joined forces with the Elections Council of Iran. 3D guns are beginning to replace 2D guns. Stephen Hawking caused a row which made WW1 look like an amicable divorce. This was an Gabrielquotes production.

Tags: gabriel webber

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A disgusting blight to civilised democratic society, Theresa May is 56.

Hate preacher Abu Qatada has been back in the news this week, because he’s still in the UK. His deportation flight has been delayed so long that he’s entitled to thousands of pounds in compensation from the airline (Is this right? -Ed.)

Qatada, who despises our Western way of life so much that he’s gone to the European Court of Human Rights to ensure he’s able to remain a part of it, will stay in Britain “for many months” according to the Home Secretary’s statement to Parliament.

The statement was a rather interesting occasion: Theresa May was on her feet defending the government, while Yvette Cooper was scrutinising it. The general thrust of Theresa’s speech was, “I want to be leader of the Conservative Party this time next year,” while Yvette Cooper seemed pretty ruthlessly focussed on becoming leader of the Labour Party.

The entire event had a bizarre atmosphere of being a flash-forward to Prime Minister’s Questions in a couple of years’ time. So anyway, allow me to present an exciting new work of music and words and stuff:

GOODNESS GRACIOUS MAY

Ms Cooper, I’m in trouble.
Well, goodness gracious, May.
For all my pains and chartered ’planes, Abu is going free.
Mmm?
For the courts are in denial, saying he would have no fair trial.
He will bomb-boody-bomb-boody-bomb…
Well, goodness gracious, May.

How long has Abu been here? Why all the legal fights? For I feel you are slacking and attacking human rights.
Abu Q must be condemned, if I am to be PM…
He will bomb-boody-bomb…
Oh, goodness gracious, May.

From a jail to a police cordon, you can’t deport him to Jordan,
You’ve spent months trying to spin this House a yarn:
You’ve tried magistrates and Siac,
And rendition, even kayaks,
When you tried to Supreme Court it
Not one of the judges bought it –
You just cannot get him back to Amman.

The fault is all in Strasbourg.
Oh goodness gracious, May!
Human rights are very well, but overruling me!?
You may call me a hysteric, but we must eject this cleric,
Before he bomb-boody-bombs…

This could be my big moment, my  meteoric rise.
To end the Abu hullabaloo: I could be his demise.
You must get this thing in hand
While I oust Ed Miliband,
Before he bomb-boody-bombs…

Etcetera etcetera.

Beauty and the Police

King Fahd’s Fountain, near Jeddah

Theresa May’s opposite-number in Saudi Arabia clearly has no problem deporting people. This week, three men were kicked out of the country on the grounds that they were “too handsome” and that “women might fall for them.”

Saudia Arabia itself – which is also rather beautiful (see photo) – now finds itself in danger of being expelled from the United Nations, to prevent female states from falling in love with it.

In the UN General Assembly yesterday, the Kuwaiti Ambassador took one look at the “well hot” Saudi Arabia and stated, “Mr President: phwoar, I want a bit of that!” although it is unclear whether this was in fact a sexual overture, or simply a reference to their long-running border dispute.

Other countries’ reactions have varied. On noticing its near-neighbour’s irresistible beauty, Israel immediately responded by erecting a large, blurry, translucent wall around her borders so as to avoid anyone having to see Saudi Arabia and lose control; whereas the Kingdom of Jordan didn’t notice at all, because they were too busy pretending to be in love with the British Home Secretary.

Next week: EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS as Saudi Arabia shows off its toned body in the Gulf of Aqba.

A Tory writes…

Following some recent articles in The Brighton Argus and that old favourite Conservative Student, I thought it was about time for ‘Gabrielquotes’ to catch up with reality and similarly host a Young Conservative writer who is desperate to explain just how unfair it all is. Therefore, the article below comes from the Vice-Deputy Sub-Branch Assistant Campaigns Officer of the University of Sussex Conservative Society.

Conservatism is a big thing no matter what anyone else says
by the entire membership of the University of Sussex Conservative Society

Anyone who says that the TorySoc at Sussex is unsuccessful clearly doesn’t know what they are talking about. Has any other student society managed to secure Ian Duncan-Smith, Jeremy Hunt and William Hague as speakers? I think not!

On any sane planet everybody would not only respect our society, they would join it too. But of course, this isn’t a sane planet, this is the far-left Sussex University where the only remotely sane person is myself, so it’s up to me to speak for the silent majority of sane people.

The far-left student newspaper, The Badger, openly discriminates against us by not doing what we ask them to. They’re always reporting on higher education cuts, demonstrations and that sort of tripe. They call it ‘student news’, I call it a load of old crap.

Last week, TorySoc had a fascinating talk from the Hon. Lucian Cottesloe-Faversham-Bufton, a local councillor from Worthing, and – believe it or not – The Badger only put this story on page 4: the first three pages were taken up with un-newsworthy rubbish about injunctions and police evictions and other non-events.

In November we invited Mike Weatherley MP onto campus and he was attacked by common people. The far-left Students’ Union was completely unsupportive of us, and now, only five months later, they’ve already put something else on their homepage in place of their statement condemning the violence! And even that statement was only written in size 36 font: they and every single one of their members were clearly trying to subliminally support the attack!

Sometimes people even disagree with our policies, and the Students’ Union doesn’t lift a finger to prevent this sort of outrageous harassment and it just shows how ignorant students on the far left can be.

But despite all this bullying and discrimination by the far-left elements of Sussex University, we’re still here and our membership is actually at a record high, although I’m not going to tell you how many that is so you’ll just have to take my word for it. We’re not going anywhere: even though I’m sure all the usual far-left suspects will attack this article on purely political grounds.

Gifted and talented

This week, the US Government released its wonderful annual list of gifts received by federal officials. Most of the gifts went to the President himself, of course, but there were also some intended for his family members and others.

The glamorous world of international diplomacy.

The Prime Minister of Australia gave the First Children a “toy brown kangaroo with a baby kangaroo in its pouch,” though sadly Malia and Sasha will never get their hands on this as all their gifts are “deposited with the National Archives and Records Administration” in case historians in the future want to know what a toy kangaroo looked like. Their parents are such spoilsports!

Other noteworthy prezzies include David Cameron’s donation to “the First Family” – he gave them a “13-inch bone-shaped chew toy.”

Deputy Secretary of State Thomas Nides is now the lucky owner of a “hand-made rug with traditional Iraqi man.” Though the inclusion of a traditional Iraqi man may cause some immigration issues, Mr Nides did receive special permission to keep his gift “for official use only.” I won’t speculate.

Meanwhile, the Secretary of State herself received, in true Winnie-the-Pooh style, a “large glass metal container with lid” from the Prime Minister of Turkey: otherwise known as A Useful Pot To Put Things In.

The US Ambassador to Hungary got hold of some “artwork made of marzipan, estimated value $4,000″ which he was also allowed “to retain for official use only.” Yum yum, that’s what I say.

One employee of the Environmental Protection Agency accepted free air travel to the tune of $1,181, all in a day’s work for those who protect our environment, of course.

Vice-Admiral Harvey Harris took a free 4-day minibreak in Venice worth $7,923 – with Vice Admiral Jan Eirik Finseth of Norway! – which he graciously accepted on the grounds that “non-acceptance would have caused embarrassment to donor and U.S. Government.” It’s a hard life, isn’t it.

The Secretary of the Air Force, the Hon. Michael Donley, was presented with an eclectic range of gifts worth over $8,000 by the Chief of the Qatar Armed Forces. His extremely manly haul included five different types of perfume and two ladies’ watches. Indeed, an awful lot of nasty Middle Eastern dictatorships appear to have given watches to senior Department of Defense personnel including the “Assistant Secretary of Terrorist Financing” (this appears to be a real job title). I do hope that these watches aren’t all deliberately set to be a few minutes slow and disrupt vital military operations.

While we’re on the subject, the Director of the CIA received loads of exciting goodies but refused to name the generous donors. He was given an incense-burner (presumably to help him de-stress after a long day of waterboarding people), a “gold-plated MP7 automatic rifle” to help him feel like a Bond villian, and a “revolving desk clock.”

Presumably the cunning spy who gave him this last one must just be waiting for the electronic device to be taken into CIA Headquarters and placed on a desk in the Director’s office.

If only international aid were given out as freely as toy kangaroos and rugs and traditional Iraqi men…

Finally

I hope you’ve enjoyed this week’s rant. As I’ll be away at the World Jewish Congress until the middle of next week, I probably won’t be able to scrape a blog together in time. But watch this space: it will come!

It’s tough not being a Conservative.

In tonight’s episode, David Cameron was played by Theresa May and Ed Miliband was played by Yvette Cooper. Saudi Arabia narrowly beat Justin Bieber in this year’s Mr Universe competition. The Conservative Party was utterly persecuted by every right-thinking member of society. This was an Gabrielquotes production

Tags: gabriel webber