What do pints mean?

Pal for the win

Pal for the win

Potential early death – if you believe the latest health advice by the government’s Chief Medical Officer.

The staggering new guidance says that alcohol can damage one’s health so best not have as much of it. A cup of tea was recommended as a better alternative.

Research by the Committee on Carcinogenicity found that consuming alcohol can have some benefit for women over 55, but for everyone else its alleged advantages are an old wive’s tale. This is especially ironic as old wives are the only winners under the new regime.

Equally staggering has been the backlash to the advice. UKIP leader Nigel Farage was particularly disgusted, being quick to defend people’s right to drink alcohol “even if it slightly shortens our lives”, thus displaying his ignorance of the difference between ‘advice’ and ‘legally-enforceable regulations’. He called for “mass protest” and disobedience against the new guidance.

His vision is people up and down the country, freely drinking extra alcohol, significantly increasing their chances of contracting life-threatening medical conditions: that’ll teach the bloody nanny state, ha!

The Little Prints

She sells cyan shells on the sea-shore

Oh I do like to be beside the seaside, oh I do like to steal from HP…

#FirstWorldProblem types have long been complaining about the cost of new ink cartridges for printers, so they’ll be delighted to hear that Hewlett-Packard cartridges are currently washing up on beaches all over the UK.

The official line is that they were lost at sea over a year ago – the company didn’t think they’d be cyan the ink cartridges ever again. But there’s clearly more to this than meets the eye. Could we, in fact, be witnessing evidence of the latest trend in modern piracy? The audio track below certainly thinks so…


.

“My wife’s gone to the West Indies!”

“Jamaica?”      “No, that’s where she wanted to go, but yada yada yada, we ended up in Barbados.”

An exposé about quango king Sir Philip ‘Lavender’s Blue’ Dilley appeared in The Telegraph over the weekend:

environment-agency

Frankly astonished that any public body in the UK could be headed by such a philistine, a man without morals, principles or Barbadian wife, I read on. The story elaborated:

The ‘Sunday Times’ revealed that June Dilley was actually from Jamaica, some 1,200 miles from Barbados, raising further questions about the tenability of Sir Philip’s position.

What a silly Dilley! ‘Untenable’ is an understatement: I don’t pay my taxes just so people with Jamaican spouses can chair important government agencies! It’s a scandal he was ever appointed in the first place, with a wife like that. Their dilley-dadliance was doomed from the very beginning.

Calling for Sir Philip’s resignation, Nigel Evans MP said:

I think he should spend more time in Barbados.

And, indeed, he now will be. It’s a hard life/ wife.

PCC gone totally, utterly mad

Nobody was more devastated by the death of David Bowie than Surrey Police & Crime Commissioner Kevin ‘send in the Gurkhas’ Hurley.

PCC Kev, who readers will remember for proposing military intervention against refugees, has a deep sympathy for those living in terrible conditions in Calais. So selflessly sympathetic to their plight is he that he posted the following tweet last week:

kevin-hurley-calais“Humanitarian crisis? Ideal PR opportunity methinks!” his media advisor told this blog.

The programme was unfortunately axed by the untimely demise of Mr Bowie. Were it not for that inconvenient incident, we would all have been glued to our screens to watch what he described as:

See the Surrey PCC go undercover and get ground truth in Calais jungle. Worrying stuff

[Sic]

kevin hurley undercoverIn The Refugee Show, Undercover Hurley (pictured right, in character as a common person) told the cameras how concerned he was to find the refugee camp “totally un-policed”. The fact that it is also totally unserviced by fresh water, food and health services was apparently of only secondary interest to him.

He also told cameras – based, apparently, on nothing other than pure speculation and xenophobia – that the refugee camp would be an ideal place for terrorists to hide out, a claim branded by aid workers as “ridiculous”.

We’re still waiting for his apology, and also for an explanation as to why the Police & Crime Commissioner for Surrey was spending his time (and his salary provided by the taxpayer) on a self-promotional jolly to Calais which seemed to have no purpose other than inciting hatred against helpless refugees.

Note to Katy Bourne, Sussex PCC:
Don’t think I’ve forgotten you; I’m very unimpressed by how you spent over £1,500 of public money on branded bracelets (‘slap bands’) and pens. Maybe we’ll return to that topic another time…

Outrage as BBC breaks story

dsc05986[1]The BBC has come under fire this week for showing a news item on its ‘BBC News’ channel. Audible gasp.

After The Daily Politics allowed Stephen Doughty MP (pictured) to resign from the shadow cabinet live on air, the Labour Party has made a formal complaint about the producers’ seriously wrongful conduct in screening a developing news story to viewers.

A spokesperson for the BBC strongly denied the allegation. “Nobody has ever accused us of breaking news before,” quoth them, “and we resent any suggestion of having done so on this occasion.”

Custody battle

_79673900_ukipdebate[1]A Parliamentary debate on Israel’s treatment of Palestinian children in military custody (previously the topic of the excellent Kids Court in Conflict campaign) caused controversy on the grounds that it was the worst thing to happen to the Jewish people since Munich.

“Why do you only ever go on about Israel?” demanded one member of the Twitterati, “Singling out Israel is anti-Semitic.” And they’re absolutely right: one only has to glance down the list of human rights situations that have been debated in Parliament recently to see the dire anti-Semitism of their agenda:

  • The Gambia (January 2016)
  • Burundi (December 2015)
  • India (December 2015)
  • Tanzania (December 2015)
  • Turkey (December 2015)
  • Uganda (December 2015 – although I concede that in a parallel Zionist history this might have counted as anti-Israel)
  • Uzbekistan (December 2015)
  • The USA (November 2015)
  • Bahrain (November 2015)
  • Sri Lanka (November 2015)
  • United Arab Emirates (November 2015)
  • Belarus (October 2015)
  • Russia (October 2015)
  • Yemen (October 2015)
  • Eritrea (July 2015)
  • Rwanda (July 2015)
  • Saudi Arabia (July 2015)
  • China (June 2015)
  • Qatar (June 2015)
  • Swaziland (March 2015)
  • Cyprus (February 2015)
  • Malawi (February 2015)
  • Bangladesh (June 2014)
  • Sudan (June 2014)
  • Zimbabwe (June 2014)
  • Nigeria (May 2014)
  • Papua New Guinea (May 2014)
  • Pakistan (April 2014)

Another Twillock accused the instigator of the debate, Sarah Champion MP, of being “racist” for “bothering Israel” rather than “demanding UK government establish a watch list for Pakistani origin males who abuse Rotherham children”.

Yes, I hate it when people are so racist that they don’t create watch lists of Pakistanis.

Dear oh dear…

jc-letter-h-and-m-scarf
.

Horsemeat scandal: latest

A Swedish amateur jockey has expressed horror at one of her recent meals. She sat down to consume her dearly departed horse, but on taking a bite, to her utter revulsion, she found that it actually consisted of 100% Aldi lasagne.

Black Pudding Beauty

Black Pudding Beauty

Yes, this is the news that Helena Stahl seemingly thought to herself, “Waste not, want not,” before deciding to tuck in to Iffy Mant, her horse that had recently been put down. She said she was keen to eat “an animal that had a good life”, thereby smugly paying her own bottom a barely-masked compliment.

Ms Stahl told reporters, “I was so hungry I could have eaten a (Please don’t go there. -Ed.)

Circumstances within our control

g140My train to work was late every single day last week. That’s nothing new, but for the first time I noticed that South West Trains’ parade of ‘excuses’ consisted entirely of things that were their fault:

We apologise for the late running of this service. This is due to a broken-down train at Woking.

Erm, what company is responsible for maintaining trains at Woking?

We apologise for the late running of this service. This is due to a staff shortage at Wimbledon.

Hmm, what company is in charge of the workforce at Wimbledon?

More generally, in what other area of life would anyone have the gall to trot out ‘excuses’ which just reiterate how much they’re actually at fault? “Sorry I didn’t do my homework, it’s because I couldn’t be bothered.”

junior-doctors'-strike

Rikonoxximenti

In tonight’s episode, South West Trains were actuated by incompetence, and the House of Commons debated human rights in the United Arab Emirates because of MPs’ deep-seated anti-Semitism. Stephen Doughty was played by the BBC (allegedly) and Nigel Farage will ideally be drinking himself into an early grave. Black Beauty was eaten by Helena Stahl, and David Bowie gets an arbitrary mention here because he’s been permanently in the news this week. This was an Gabrielquotes production!

Sweet Twenty Sixteen

For all those whose New Year’s Resolution was to follow this blog more closely, the subscription box is on the right and it’s free too.
.

2016-parody
.

Apparrent danger

baroness neville jones judy denchFormer security minister Baroness Neville-Jones (pictured right) has told commuters they should spend less time on their mobile ’phones and more time looking for terrorists.

This rather confusingly conflicts with the Home Secretary’s plea that people spend more time on their mobiles, keeping them full of as much personal data as possible.

Pauline Neville-Jones, who previously worked on the Bosnia peace project, said she was “alarmed” that people were unaware of their surroundings.

“I was on the District line the other day,” she told reporters, “wearing a gorilla costume and a Viking helmet and holding a giant poster of Norman Lamont, and did anyone give me a second glance? Not at all! And I could have been a terrorist.”

The UK terror threat level is currently at ‘severe’, following intelligence that some hostile Scandinavian primates may be planning to kidnap former Chancellors of the Exchequer.

This is a heart attack, this is a heart attack, this is HEART ATTACK!

Heart-AttackDon’t you just hate it when you go out for a nice meal, but then the atmosphere is ruined when someone near has a heart attack and needs urgent, but distracting, medical attention?

Ambience is replaced by ambulance.

That’s what a very angry person posted on Facebook, anyway, after she had a heartbreaking experience in Kilroy’s Diner, Indianapolis, when her meal was disrupted by some attention-seeking bastard needing life-saving treatment. She complained that she had difficulty being served, and that her meal was seriously delayed.

It must have been almost as saddening as when British tourists had to share their holiday paradise with starving refugees.

The poster of the rant about the hart attack has received some not altogether complimentary messages and taken down her Facebook profile. Good thing she didn’t say anything about the dirty knife…

jc-letter-celia-clyne-floods
.

Rendered speechless

Some ’planes like the ones he could of used

Some ’planes like the ones he could of used

In 2013, retired CIA boss Robert Seldon Lady was convicted by an Italian court of extraordinary rendition: having terror suspects abducted and illegally taken abroad for torture.

Lady never actually ended up in prison because the irony of Italy capturing him and flying him back to a jail in the homeland would have been too great. And anyway, last week his sentence – by which we mean the amount of time he won’t have to spend behind bars – was reduced from nine years to seven.

As part of the court proceedings, new testimony has emerged from some victims of rendition. In it, they tell of their experiences of being put into an aeroplane and not being sure of their return plans.

And it’s musical testimony:


.

Simon Danczuk text message scandal: latest

simon-danczuk
.

Prison ain’t all that bad

alcatraz

Prison: don’t go there

Inside Time is the magazine for prisoners, and a letter appeared in it last week complaining that prison shops charge far too much for tobacco.

This was distressing enough – I hate it when convicted criminals are forced to spend significant quantities of their own money on life-destroying drugs – but the writer then went on to complain about the prices of other prison goods, followed by the comment:

No wonder so many prisoners come out of prison and reoffend.

Erm… ‘Prison’s really over expensive and unaffordable, no wonder people released from it immediately try to get back in there.’ Yeah, makes perfect sense.

The best bit of the letter was this little dollop of chutzpah at the end though:

The canteen suppliers are nothing but criminals.

Hmm…

evening-standard-bloodbath
.

The Sign of BBC4

The acceptable face of the KKK

The acceptable face of the KKK

Sherlock producer Steven Moffat has confirmed that he will not yet be giving up on his dream of writing a 90-minute television script so convoluted that nobody can follow what the hell’s going on in it.

After his failure this Christmas – a number of fans just about deciphered what was going on in feminists’ dream The Abominable Bird – he has vowed to bring more time zones, split characters, resurrections, drug-fuelled dreams, mansplaining and anachronisms into future productions.

Elismerések

In tonight’s episode, the introduction to 2016 was run by every newspaper ever invented. Baroness Neville-Jones was played by Judi Dench, and Theresa May was played by Andrew Scott. Simon Danczuk was, he says, played by alcohol. The heart attack victim was bloody lucky to get treated at all given the state of public healthcare in America. This was an Gabrielquotes production!