Supporting the Conservative Party

humanrights[1]I’ve given this week’s blog post the title of ‘supporting the Conservative Party’ because I’m going to do what I can, in the next few paragraphs, to undermine and vilify the Conservative Party. This is a technique I borrowed from their decision to announce plans to strip away human rights protections in the UK in a document entitled Protecting Human Rights in the UK.

The Tories, in turn, borrowed the misleading-title technique from North Korea (“The People’s Democratic Republic of Korea”) and North Korea borrowed it from a small furniture shop in Romford purporting to be a ‘World of Leather’.

Essentially, the Tories’ new policy is a way of ministers whining, “It’s so unfair!” while still looking a bit grown-up. Schoolchildren want to abolish the school rules, rich people want to eliminate the tax system, and ministers want to exterminate human rights.

To start with, they’re proposing a “minimum threshold of seriousness” before people can complain of a human rights violation. Now hold on a minute: the government says it is going to refuse to let people take legal action against it if it, the government, doesn’t deem the case to be serious enough.”

The Iron Maiden: 'serious' or just banter?

The Iron Maiden: ‘serious’ or just banter?

“You’ve only lost one finger!” they might say. “I don’t think we need to waste a judge’s time with that!”

Or, “We might have threatened to shoot your entire family unless you dropped your legal case, but that’s just horseplay. Hardly serious.”

Their second proposal is to stop judges deciding on what the European Convention on Human Rights means: it’s almost as if they feel entitled to interpret the law or something!

In case it’s not clear, these proposals are disastrous, repugnant to anyone who believes in democracy and – if implemented – would lead to Britain having to withdraw from the Council of Europe and join Europe’s last remaining dictatorship, Belarus, as pariah states.

Still, on the plus side, it means that the Conservatives will win back six or seven votes from UKIP so it’s probs worth it.


Reckless behaviour

1309723026[1]The Conservatives suffered a serious setback last weekend, fortunately, when Mark Reckless MP (pictured far-right) resigned his seat and defected to UKIP, telling reporters that he wanted to spend less time with immigrants.

The former Tory politician shot to fame last December when he questioned Guardian editor Alan Rusbridger in perilous detail about the handling of information leaked by Edward Snowden:

Mr Reckless: Isn’t it true that you entrusted all that confidential data to FedEx when they transported it to the USA?
Alan Rusbridger: Yes.
Mr Reckless: I’ve used FedEx before! (I’m a man of the people you see.) When you send things by FedEx they’re not under your control. You lost control, didn’t you!
Alan Rusbridger: No, Mr Reckless, I did not lose control.
[light tittering from committee staff]
Mr Reckless: You behaved completely irresponsibly and with no regard to the consequences of your actions, didn’t you!
Alan Rusbridger: No, I did not behave completely irresponsibly and with no regard to the consequences of my actions, Mr Reckless.
[committee suspended while everyone gets the laughter out of their systems]

Who wouldn't want to see this in the nude?

Who wouldn’t want to see this in the nude?

But Tory MPs resigning from Parliament are like skunks boarding Noah’s ark: they come in twos. Step up Brooks Newmark MP (pictured left), who resigned as Minister for Civil Society last week, partly because he has no idea what that means, and partly because he was found to have ‘sexted’ an explicit image of himself to a charming lady he barely knew, who – completely unpredictably – turned out to be an undercover journalist.

Rumour has it that he also sent nude selfies to the Queen, who replied by snarling and hissing at him.

Going, going, gone, stuffed, sold online

Wireless optical mouse

Wireless optical mouse

During a slow period in the office last week, a colleague and I searched eBay for items of taxidermy, ie. stuffed animals. (There was a specific reason for this, although admittedly not a very good one.)

We found it surprisingly disturbing. Or, if we’d have thought about it in advance, unsurprisingly disturbing. Take, for example, the tasteful piece pictured on the right: “mounted mouse on a skeletal hand”. Bids start at £50, no doubt so cheap because the article is “used”.

Now that’s really worrying. What does ‘used’ mean in the context of a stuffed animal? Was it marked ‘used’ because it had previously been, erm, a mouse, or had the taxidermed incarnation itself been used for some Satanic ritual?

Other bargains available for the wily nature-lover included a rat in an Aladdin costume (complete with Persian rug) for £39.50, marketed by a company called My Pest Friends.

Or, for those who aren’t into the weird stuff, how about a “quirky funny adult sexy” tableu of two rats, one reclining in bed lasciviously and the other holding a copy of The Times? (Fortunately this one was marked ‘brand new’.) “PLEASE make sure you like the faces before you buy!” says the item description, “But this is a great gift! You think they have everything? Bet they haven’t got one of these!”

Yep, that sounds like a safe bet. Does anyone have a birthday coming up?


TorySoc shock

The Young Tory of the Year Competition

The Young Tory of the Year Competition

The University College London Conservative Society has been reprimanded by student leaders after it was found to be pursuing a campaign of stereotyped anti-Semitic and Islamophobic intimidation against members.

“The Conservative Party should be focusing on humiliating the poor and needy,” admitted shamed TorySoc president Albert Catheter-Furnace, “rather than groups like the Jews  who are wealthy and want to take over the world (so who are really just like us).”

Tory party approval ratings have plummeted in recent days as the public reacted with anger to what  some described as a “p***poor attack on the poor”.

“What we needed to hear from David Cameron,” said one of the public, “was a clear message that poverty will not be tolerated and that the poor will lose their citizenship and freedom of speech.”

The chair of the Jewish Leadership Council joined in the clamour of criticism of UCL’s TorySoc. “Any more of these anti-Semitic conspiracy theories,” he warned, “and well see to it that the Conservatives lose the next ‘election’.”

The saga continues (until May 2015).


Five of the bestest

Three years of credits:
In tonight’s blogisode, the life model was played by Brooks Newmark and the Queen was played by Lizzie Windsor (who purrformed her role beautifully). The Jewish Chronicle was edited by Stephen Pollard and the designers of the iPhone 6 should fear for their Steve Jobs. The UCL Conservative Students’ Society was more ghastly than the previous one. This was an Gabrielquotes production!
Leave a Comment

The United Grand Blog of England

If you want more ‘previously in my life’, lob your email address into the box on the right.

Royal Objects Go On Display At The Freemasons HallThose who watched Spooks will believe the building pictured on the right is home to many sinster goings-on. But in real life, it’s not the headquarters to MI5 but is home to the entirely un-sinister United Grand Lodge of England, the central body of Freemasons in the country.

Unusually for a secret institution, it had an open day last Saturday (courtesy of the wonderful Open House London scheme) so its strange innards were laid bare to public scrutiny.

My first impression was that the Freemasons are really, really not helping to dispel Jewish conspiracy theories:

who controls the british crown

A small gallery contained various historical artefacts and exhibition displays, one of which was a model of a Masonic ‘chapter room’. A card nearby helpfully explained: “This miniature chapter room is set up as it would be for a full-size chapter.” Really? I thought that full-size Freemasons would still use chairs the size of safety-pins.

A more serious note clarified that the model only related to “the Aldersgate ritual”. Rituals originating from other districts of London – the Ponders End ritual, perhaps, or the Tolworth ritual – are altogether different.

who keeps the metric system downAs I strolled through the Grand Temple (left), I overheard a passing American opining, “I honestly think it’s just like hanging out in the pub, except they do it in a beautiful temple.” Yes, and they do it in ludicrous clothes, with ludicrous titles (‘Enlightened Knight Commander’ indeed!) and basically demonstrate exactly what the world would be like if every schoolchild’s secret club had loads of money and adult immaturity thrown at it.

But it seems that the world of masonry is not without petty theft and the compensation culture of the modern world:


Yeah, I hate it when I leave my Masonic Regalia somewhere and find it’s gone when I return.

The way out took visitors through the building’s small shop, offering said regalia at rates which surely cannot have been competitive – “30th Degree Eagle Insignia, £32″, absolute bloody bargain – as well as the books Scouting and Masonry: Two Parallel Movements? and The Templar Code for Dummies (yes really).

As I passed, a man stopped me and muttered in a foreign accent, “Where did you get your shirt?” I happened to be wearing an LJY-Netzer movement shirt (available at a substantially lower cost than a 30th degree eagle, I might add) and explained to this odd gentleman, who was covered in Masonic badges, that it was from my employer.

“Ah,” he said, “You see, I am in Masorti movement. There are many Yehudim in the Brotherhood you know!”

Bloody typical. Only I could be standing in Freemasons’ Hall, exchanging secret symbols… of non-Orthodox Judaism.

School of hard knocks

A couple of weeks ago, Ofsted inspected JFS (a Jewish school) and found that its standards had slipped so severely that it should be downgraded two categories. Then on Friday, all my dreams came true and there was a letter in the Jewish Chronicle actually arguning that Ofsted is an anti-Semitic organisation – see also Oxfam, the Lib Dems, the AA, Wagamama, Clinton’s cards etc.

This isn’t that letter but it might as well have been:



Of course, ‘requiring improvement’ is no shame. But it’s no great honour either! So would it spoil some great eternal plan if the JFS had been outstanding? Click the circley thing below to find out.


We are the 55.3%

MAIN-Loch-Ness-monster-says-no-to-the-Scottish-referendum[1]Well, David Cameron got off Scot-free when the good people north of the border voted to remain part of the same country as him. But now it turns out, rather to his surprise, that he’s now expected to make good on his promises of enhanced powers for Holyrood, and not just pretend they never happened and sing a song about it to get off the hook.

However, he’s planning a constitutional shake-up and a devolution smoothie that extends beyond Scotland. He’s planning a solution to the West Lothian Question (whereby Scottish MPs get to vote on legislation that only affects England). He calls his grand reform package Conservative Votes on English Laws.

Alex Salmond, meanwhile, is a different story. Despite his initially gracious acceptance of defeat, he’s become increasingly restless. This is a headline from the BBC last week:


Well if no voters were tricked there’s no problem.

On Her Majesty’s secret Bat Mitzvah service

james bond mossadWhile we’re talking about the Freemasons, everyone’s second-favourite group bent on world domination, the Israeli secret service Mossad, is recruiting! According to a new advert on their website:

All are welcome, regardless of religion, nationality or occupation, to contact our organization – Mossad – to work for us or to be involved in activities which could bring great personal benefit.

Regardless of ‘occupation': that’s Mossad all over. The website continues:

Rest assured that all approaches will be treated with the utmost discretion and confidentiality

It’s almost as if they realise that they’re running a secret organisation!

So who thinks I have the necessary qualities to apply?

The news from Sussex

Fear not, I’ve not forgotten my roots and am happy to provide an update from my former homeland; we remember thee, Falmer.

Sussex IT Services has had a characteristically busy start to term with some new students causing them a bit of a headache. A news article posted on their website reads:

New students have been posting photos of their new IDs to Instagram. However, if the barcode and reference numbers are sufficiently clear, the pictures could easily be used by hackers to gain access to University services.

I know, why don’t IT security experts all over the world post public announcements of security flaws and advice to would-be hackers. Just run that past your internal psychiatrist.

Sussex security regrets setting up an exchange programme with Isis

Sussex security regrets setting up an exchange programme with Isis

John Duffy, meanwhile, is no doubt regretting his decision to get a job at a British university. An investigation by the US Chronicle of Higher Education has revealed that American colleges are allowing their security teams to stockpile high-velocity assault rifles, bayonets, armoured tanks and – in the University of Central Florida – a grenade launcher.

Oh John, oh John; if only you’d read that article before March 2013.

Picking up the PCCs

Sussex’s Police and Crime Commissioner, superior person Katy Bourne, has had a busy summer taking a grand total of four decisions since June.

Last week though, she rose from her taxpayer-funded stupour to write a furious response to “misguided proposals to scrap PCCs”. This was especially interesting because of her argument:

Under the Police Authority the target for solved burglary was just 17%. As PCC I have represented public opinion and challenged Sussex Police to improve on this.  As a result, solved rates for burglary this year have increased across the county by 26%.

katy bourne sherlock copyI can’t help wondering: for what proportion of this increase does she personally take credit? How many burglaries did she go out and solve by herself? Or in fact, was her sole contribution – and her main argument for why she shouldn’t be scrapped by Parliament – ‘representing the public’s opinion’ that they want the police to solve more crimes? You decide; the election’s in 2016.

katy bourne book

Five of the best IS BACK!

To the worshipful Master, Wardens, Officers and Members of The Gabrielquotes Lodge No. 45895:
Being a Free Man and of the full age of Twenty-one years, I do declare that, unbiassed by the improper solicitation of friends and uninfluenced by mercenary or other unworthy motive, in tonight’s episode the ridiculous childishness was provided by the United Grand Lodge of England. The Jewish Free School was inspected by Oxfam – sorry, Ofsted. Alex Salmond was played fairly well but in the end lost out to David Cameron. Katy Bourne frolicked at public expense. This was an Gabrielquotes production!
Leave a Comment