Anger at new passport design

Queen Victoria also features but nobody counted HER!

Why did nobody count Queen Vic?

The British public worked itself up into a bit of a fury last week at the government’s outrageously controversial decision to include women on the nation’s new passport design.

The redesign has caused a bit of a stir because, despite the theme being ‘famous Brits’, the Guardian pointed out that only two of those featured are women: mathematician Ada Lovelace and architect Elisabeth Scott.

This ‘only two women’ calculation isn’t entirely fair, as Ada Lovelace would no doubt be the first to agree, because:

  1. if the passport-holder happens to be a woman then she’ll have a picture of herself printed at the back;
  2. there’s a reference to Her Britannic Majesty on the inside front cover, and she’s a woman as any fule kno; and
  3. as Sir George Campbell has pointed out:

from the desk of sir georgeBut this isn’t Sir George’s only insight into the issue of women’s rights. Far from it. Here’s a wonderful and inspiring speech he made to the House of Commons in 1889 on the question of whether women should be allowed to become parish councillors:

[Disclaimer 1: he thought they shouldn’t.]

[Disclaimer 2: it might not be wonderful or inspiring but it is actually enormously entertaining.]


Poppies, poppies, poppies

david-cameron-poppy-photoshopThere’s a certain correlation between regimes which make extensive use of Photoshop and regimes which have a poor human rights record.

So David Cameron’s decision to Photoshop a remembrance day poppy onto his Twitter profile picture rather than go to all the extreme effort of finding one for sale anywhere in central London and actually wearing it, did not go down brilliantly.

Of course, North Korea’s photo-manipulation is done out of necessity – if someone’s dead or in a prison camp, what else can you do but fiddle the pictuers? – but only true liars go to the effort of lying when it’s wholly unnecessary.

Other projects in the Number 10 Photoshop Unit pipeline include:

  • Increasing the size of David Cameron’s pasty.
  • Editing a conscience onto Chris Grayling.
  • Making Theresa May appear somewhat human.
  • Airbrushing away the poor.
  • Erm…
  • That’s it.



surveillance-cameras-turning-uk-into-big-brother-state-video--d263534211The government has announced new measures in its attempt to thwart anti-freedom Jihadists who want to destroy all our Western civil liberties: the cunning plan is to destroy all our Western civil liberties ourselves.

Specifically, the Home Office will be given access to citizens’ private communications and web histories, subject to the rigorous scrutiny of “Commissioners” directly appointed by the Prime Minister.

Home Secretary Theresa May, who unveiled the plans, said: “Hi darling, running late today, pls stick the oven on and I’ll cook when I get home xx”

The Labour Party has strongly opposed the move. Jeremy Corbyn commented: “Jam will be ready by next weekend, strong message here so let’s eat it then! See you soon, J.”

A Libe Dem couldn’t be contacted found for comment.

Vice squad

'So last year': Professor Michael Farthing

‘So last year’: Professor Michael Farthing

Sussex Vice-Chancellor Michael Farthing having resigned just as the university was forced to pay £20,000 compensation and apologise in open court for libelling a student (but the timing of the resignation was pure coincidence), the search is on for Lord Sugar’s next apprentice:


Unlike The Apprentice, though, prospective candidates will not be put through a series of gruelling televised tasks. Instead, posh swanky recruitment firm Perrett Laver have been engaged to find a suitable ape person.

They’ll be holding a series of “open meetings” at which staff and students can express their views as to what qualities should be sought in a new Vice-Chancellor. But they’ve also invited contributions via email.

I’m not suggesting people mailbomb them with suggestions such as ‘respect for free speech’ and ‘knowledge of what constitutes a fair hearing’, but their email address is

A really useful engineering of the statistics

topham-hattTransport Focus – originally a consumer watchdog called ‘Passenger Focus’, now they’re more interested in looking out for rolling stock – has released a report accusing rail companies of misleading the public with their punctuality statistics.

They found that long-distance trains can be up to 10 minutes late before being officially counted as “late”, and services cancelled 10pm the night before, er, don’t count as ‘cancelled’.

Apparently commuters become 3% less satisfied every minute they’re left waiting for a train. Or 93% less satisfied in total.

What, we wonder, would Thomas make of it all?


Pavlov’s Corbyn

Jewish Chronicle ‘journalist’ Marcus Dysch engaged in a piece of sage, rational political analysis last week:

While Marcus wrestles with his conscience, I thought it would be helpful to look at some of those dog breeds which may  be of interest to a predominantly Jewish or Israeli audience:

  • Golde Retriever
  • The East German Shepherd
  • Yorkshire Terririst
  • Oberman Pinscher
  • Border Negotiation Collie
  • English Settler
  • Jewdle (Stop please. -Ed.)

Five of the best


In tonight’s episode, the Fat Controller was played by Sir Topham Hatt and Lord Sugar was played by Chris Brodie. Our civil liberties were guarded by Theresa May and our respect for our military heritage was guarded by David Cameron’s digital media team. Sir George Campbell had views on the new passport and Marcus Dysch showed his political nuance to be less sophisticated than that of a dog. This was an Gabrielquotes production!

Tax credit where it’s due

Remember that you can simply must subscribe to this blog by putting your email address in the box of the right.

Morland_06_418941cDon’t you just hate it when you have a bicameral parliament and one of the chambers doesn’t support your plans. David Cameron does.

That’s why he’s announced a “review of Parliament” (chaired by Lord Strathclyde, ie. a peer review) to see whether it’s appropriate that legislation which requires the consent of both Houses requires the consent of both Houses.


On the subject of the Gunpowder Plot, it’s coming up to Bonfire Night, and one can’t help but feel sorry for Guy Fawkes, who was forced to hatch a plan for the destruction of the whole of Parliament because there was no more refined, selective technique available.

Well, you can wave goodbye to that problem now. A new app, available on Android and iRA-OS, simplifies things enormously for terrorists who have to decide whether or not to use combustible material as a rudimentary way of setting fire to individual public servants:

guy fawkes tinder

Anyway, back to the Upper House: constitutional scholars point out that the Lords is there to be a revising chamber that, er, scrutinises legislation. But the government thinks the place is in need of some improvement. Or in other words, it’s a bit of a Fixer-Upper House:


What an M&S

marks and spencer data breach

Extremism of the Daleks

The government has announced its new Counter-Extremism Strategy to cut down on extremists, ie. those scum of society who “express vocal or active opposition to our fundamental values” (who is ‘our’, one wonders).

Given that the Daleks also believe in cutting down those who express vocal or active opposition to their fundamental values, I thought it might be moderately amusing to have one of them read out bits of the strategy.


Talking about extremists

A damned and contemptible lie

A damned and contemptible lie

A letter from Sion Labi, a pillar of the Jewish community’s flourishing right-wing scene, appeared in The Jewish News this week. It urged readers not to donate to refugee causes because “everyone seems to forget these refugees are Muslims” and are thus (his word) “the enemy”. They bring with them, he said, an ingrained Muslim anti-Semitism, and so Sion urged the community: “Don’t risk the spread of hate.”

Obviously we wouldn’t want to risk the spread of hate by all those f*cking Muslims.

In fact, the loopy irony of that comment was only trumped by the loopier irony of Sion’s preceding sentence: “Charity begins at home: think about helping hungry children in Israel.”

Yup, charity definitely begins at home.

There was an ambitious old woman who swallowed a fly

Not so insy winsy

Not so insy winsy

The ‘fen raft spider’, Dolomedes plantarius, was on the verge of extinction a few years ago. This maybe wasn’t such a bad thing as it eats live fish and is the size of a human hand.

But thanks to the sterling efforts of the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds – which seems to be suffering from a serious case of mission creep[y crawly] – these horrendous creatures are now breeding fast and hard in this very country – and not just in the Forbidden Forest. Volunteers have nurtured 1,000 nurseries of the wee baby “spiderlings”, each of which will produce 1,000 more.

Nice to see charities doing valuable work to make life better for people.

Incidents piratical

campbell pirateThe Guardian had a headline on Sunday asking Are Somali pirates making a comeback? and pondering what action Western powers should take to prevent the menace.

Unlikely as the scenario sounds – pirates are so 2008 –it’s a risk that can’t be discounted. Why, tackling a group of pirates needs a vast array of specialised equipment, such as a ticking sound effect and… well, that’s about it actually.

But the question of British intervention in the Horn of Africa is an issue which is hardly new. Sir George Campbell had views on it as long ago as 1887.

As with all of his views, they’re just as relevant and enlightened now as they were when he made them 128 years ago. So sit down, take the weight off your political correctness, kick off those progressive values, and listen to this excerpt from The British Empire by Sir George Campbell MP:


Save our bacon (more extremists basically)

This could harm your health

The World Health Organisation has made the astonishing revelation that bacon isn’t especially healthy, but, of course, the whole thing was just a Muslim plot to rid the world of haram pig products.

Any idiot could work that out… and did.

As well as the Muslims taking over the world of health, let’s take a look at how they’ve simultaneously conquered the Radio Times:

  • The Man in the Iron Mosque
  • The Great British Sheikh-Off (nominated for an Emir Award)
  • Angels & Demonisation by RamaDan Brown
  • Prayer-calls of Praise presented by Allahd Jones
  • It’s Always Sunni in Philadelphia
  • Sharias of Fire

Five of the best


In tonight’s episode, Princess Elsa had concerns about the House of Lords and Islamophobes told some porkie pies. Somali pirates and fen raft spiders both made a comeback. The extremist was played by Sion Labi and the counter-extremist was played by Nicholas Briggs. This was an Gabrielquotes production!