Tag Archives: gabriel webber

Cameron in control

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"I have to do another five years?!"

“I have to do another five years?!”

Gosh but wasn’t that election result depressing. Even that pun about ‘I don’t trust the polls and neither does Nigel Farage’ isn’t going to cheer me up. (You’re disappointed?! How do you think I feel? -Ed. Miliband.)

In fact, I think the only way I can bring my spirits back up – even now, almost a month on – is with a bit of an election-themed square dance…


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Who’s minding the Sussex store?

Michael Farthing: saving money on graphic design since 1961

Michael Farthing: saving money on graphic design since 1961

In order to dispel accusations of being a over-commercialised and profiteering body, Sussex University has opened a smug shop in a premium area of Brighton city centre.

The “pop-up shop”, christened quite simply @SussexUni, has been around for a month and, according to Registrar John Duffy, “gives us an opportunity to showcase our high-quality research”.

Because obviously everyone visiting North Laine in the summer wants nothing more than to learn about the demand and impact of crop microinsurance in India in between buying fudge and taking funny selfies on the pier.

A cynic might think that the entire project was just a stupid idea designed to promote the Vice-Chancellor’s self-aggrandisement at enormous public expense. But I’m pleased to confirm that this is not the case, because the shop is only costing the University…

sussex-university-shop-brighton

Once again, the University has confirmed to me that it has “no information” regarding any assessment of the value for money offered by the project. But on the plus side, the FOI office’s internal email correspondence in processing my request said: “We know Mr Webber very well.” Aww, what it is to have friends in high places.

But £20,000, though… Absolute bloody bargain.

eurovision-israel-jc-letter

Kent Police’s lost [and found] battle

_44709534_beartag226[1]There was a furore recently when Kent Police announced that they would no longer be accepting lost property, saying that it “is not a police matter”.

Their website advises members of the public who have lost things that many premises “should have their own lost and found procedures”, including nightclubs, schools, public transport (which will be of some comfort to this guy) and “private houses”.

Yes, my private house has a sophisticated lost and found procedure, and any item not reclaimed within 28 days is sold, the profits off-setting the legal costs accrued by this blog.

Reassuringly, though, the BBC confirms that Kent Police will continue to accept lost property “believed to be associated with crime, such as guns and knives”.

Now that isn’t really ‘lost property’, is it?

hatton-garden-robbery-lost-property

Board-mindedness

IMG_4134Well, the Board of Deputies elections are over for another three years, and what a marathon live-streamed public meeting it was! (Although admittedly my own contribution was not appreciated by all.)

But for those who can’t face wading through the full four-hour video, I’m pleased to welcome on the cast of The Muppet Show to provide a one-minute summary:

Other highlights of the drama included:

  • Question: “Why did you describe Islam as ‘not a religion but an agenda for world domination’?” Candidate: “That wasn’t me, I was requoting a tremendous woman called Ayaan Hirsi Ali. She was actually brought up in Islam. She’s black.” (Well that’s OK then. -Ed.)
  • Question: “Why did you tell the community how to vote in the general election?” Candidate: “I was not telling the community how to vote, I was simply stating which party was in the communal interest.”
  • A comparison between pro-Israel pro-peace group Yachad and anti-Israel pro-Holocaust denial group the Neturei Karta.
  • A slew of graceful tweets from Sussex Friends of Israel members heralding the new President as “a real Jew” and proclaiming, “Out with the rubbish”. Charming.

Democracy, eh, you can’t beat it.

queens-speech-2015

She’s black (pt 2)

The friendliest ghost you know

The friendliest ghost you know

The Copes family of Long Island, New York, received a nasty surprise last week in the form of an anonymoous letter addressed to “Attn: African-American family”, warning them that they “don’t belong here” and should “leave as soon as you can”. Rather touchingly, the note ended, “Sorry if this is rude.”

‘Sorry if this is rude’ as a softening addendum to threatening notes, messages and ultimata is an oratorical device of vast antiquity, its use stretching back to the days of ancient Athens


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Five of the best

Krediti
In tonight’s episode, John Duffy went into small business, ideally suited to his small mind. David Cameron appointed a government of none of the talents. Israel failed to win Eurovision, Kent Police failed to win ‘most publicly-spirited police force’ and Tal Ofer, David Berens and Roslyn Pine failed to win the Board of Deputies Vice-Presidential election. This was an Gabrielquotes production!
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Charlotte Elizabeth Diana

(This blog post is actually nothing to do with the new baby but I put it in the title anyway because people are apparently more interested in that than in the future of Britain.)

exit polls

So, the day has come: tens of millions of people up and down the country back into tiny little boxes and play the world’s most unexciting game of Noughts and Crosses with stubby little pencils.

But how are we to reach a decision? Fortunately, the leaders of the minor parties have some helpful advice for voters:

  • Nick Clegg says that the 2 main parties are too similar.
  • Nigel Farage says that the 3 main parties are too similar.
  • Natalie Bennet sings that the 4 main parties are too similar.

So at least they all agree on something.

Meanwhile if you need a reminder of which parties are running in this election, and if you don’t mind being driven up the wall by childish repetition, then this could be the video for you:

Sing a song of election time, sing it loud and clear

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAThere’s not much to do between now and 10pm, so let me share with you the story of the female OAP who did something inexplicable and who then suffered a series of absurd indignities. (Do you mean the old woman who swallowed a fly? -Ed.) (Not quite! -G.)


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The other election

board of deputies of british jews badgeThe media’s giving a lot of airtime to the UK general election but, with its typical anti-Semitic double standards, there’s been virtually no coverage of the Board of Deputies presidential and vice-presidential election which is fast approaching.

However, readers will be pleased to hear that I have mobilised the media-controlling network of Jewish conspirators and shanghaied David Dimbleby into giving us this brief synopsis of the state of play at the Board of Deps:


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The election continues until 17 May.

cameron netanyahu droves
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ukip-hignfy-police

Bourne of long experience

Strictly Come Policing Commissioner Katy Bourne has now appointed the silver-haired of Sussex to her Elders Commission, and they are now busily engaged on advising her and drinking tea. (And swallowing spiders? -Ed.) Why it is that she needs advice that old people don’t like being mugged is another question altogether.

katy bourne waste of public moneyThe Elders apparently have the following priorities:

  • “Financial coercion” – such as being forced to pay a PCC’s £85,000 salary on pain of imprisonment for tax evasion
  • “Nuisance calls and scams” – such as being duped into sitting on an Elders Commission solely for the purpose of helping a PCC with their re-election campaign
  • “Cyber crime” – such as people doing anti-UKIP political satire online. (Whoops. -Ed.)
  • Too many coloured people on the streets
  • I don’t mind gays myself but they shouldn’t be teaching kids about that sort of thing in school
  • You used to be able to go to Eastbourne, have a three-course meal, get the bus back and still have change from a 5-shilling note
  • Erm…
  • That’s it

labour stone

Esher hots up

Dominic Raab and one of his best friends

Dominic Raab and one of his best friends

The campaign in my constituency of Esher and Walton is hotting up, with Tory incumbent Dominic Raab MP in serious danger of retaining his 59% majority without lifting a finger.

Raab, who was attacked on the floor of the House of Commons by fellow Tory Theresa May after describing feminists as “obnoxious bigots”, is seen as being very much on the progressive wing of the Conservative party.

Anyway, he popped a booklet through our letterbox which revealed that he supports “reducing noise from Heathrow”, “more healthcare in the community” and “fewer child brain tumour deaths”.

His UKIP opponent Dr Nicholas Wood mentioned none of these things so I can only assume that he wants louder aircraft noise, less community healthcare and more child brain tumour deaths.

The Labour candidate didn’t even bother leafletting us.

Love living in a marginal constituency.

GREEN PARTY FADE

A final word from an old hand

from the desk of sir georgeI would not want to leave my dear readers to go forth into the murky world of party politics without some sage advice to tide you on your way.

From Rajshahi to Kircaldy, Sir George Campbell has been involved in active politics – both democratic and hereditary – for nigh on two centuries, so who better to give you their views on the merits of coalition government?


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As Returning Officer for this blog post…
In tonight’s episode, David Cameron messed up the country; Ed Miliband messed up his public image; UKIP strove to be in a position to mess up the country more; the Lib Dems promised to mess up the country less but will probably end up messing it up anyway; the SNP want to mess up their own country; Plaid Cymru played nationalists who want to be part of another country; and the Greens said loads of things that will never have to be put to the test. This was an Gabrielquotes production!
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