Sussex graduate becomes Vice-President

Dr Guy Scott, centre, is the most senior white politician in Africa since the fall of apartheid in 1994.

An alumnus of Sussex University, Dr Guy Scott, has been appointed the first ever white Vice-President of Zambia after an election carried out with meticulous fairness and transparency. Born to a family of working-class colonists, Dr Scott’s father was a Glaswegian and his mother hailed from Watford.

In a completely made up statement, the minister commented, “I wouldn’t be where I am today without the help and support of the Sussex Careers and Employability Centre. It was undoubtedly the work experience they arranged for me earlier this year in the Zambian Electoral Commission which bagged me the job of Vice-President.”

Textbook controversy

Slandering entire continents?

Meanwhile, a diplomatic row has flared up over a textbook used in the Global Studies department at Dr Scott’s alma mater, the University of Sussex. The Oxford-published volume, Introduction to International Relations by Robert Jackson and Georg Sørensen, described the whole of “Africa, Asia, the Caribbean and the Pacific,” as, “insubstantial quasi-states.”

Responding to the allegation, Somalian Prime Minister Abdiweli Mohamed Ali said, “My nation is incensed at the suggestion that we are an insubstantial quasi-state. Unless the authors immediately retract their claims, we will have no option but to dispatch a ragged, disorganised band of warlords, pirates and mercenaries to defend our dignity.”

A press release from the publishers late yesterday evening read, “We did not intend to cause any offence to Africa, Asia, the Caribbean and the Pacific. We are confident that the writers of the textbook simply used the term ‘insubstantial quasi-states’ in the sense that those nations aren’t proper countries and are utterly unimportant.”

Most of this is entirely fictional, apart from Dr Guy Scott’s appointment and family background, and the original quote from the textbook. Image courtesy of The Guardian.

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