If you want to know the time, ask a policeman…

Cor blimey, it’s the Bill! And what a bill it is. Yes, the Metropolitan Police have spent over £35,000 making more than 110,000 calls to the BT Speaking Clock over the last two years. To celebrate this milestone, the Gabrielquotes team have commissioned Gilbert and Sullivan to once more return from the dead and compose a little song entitled, A Policeman’s Watch is not a Working One (Working One). Hit the music please:

When a policeman’s not engaged on his employment,
Or putting dang’rous crim’nals in the dock,
Nor considering their latest re-deployment,
They often like to call the speaking clock.

There are moments when the time may just elude them,
When a hard arrest may leave their watches broke
Or hours of arduous duty may have skewed them,
So they must know the right time on the third stroke.

When constabulary duty’s to be done, to be done,
A policeman’s watch is not a working one.

When a policeman’s on his undercover duty,
Engaged to several girls on a watchlist,
He may want to buy a present for his beauty,
And the time is sponsored by old Accurist.

If you’ve taken bribes and now you’ve got a sentence,
For leaking data and abusing all your powers,
What better way to sit out your repentence,
Than calculating all those prison hours.

If we want to see our jails chock-a-block, chock-a-block,
Then the Met Police must ring up the speaking clock.

“Oh good. A police telephone box. Now we can find out what time-zone we’ve landed in.”

Sussexballs: £9000 per annum paid for contributions

This week’s Sussexballs column has been promoted up the page due to the sheer brilliance of the first entry.

Threatening letter to (someone else’s) flat from Sussex Residential Services: “Dear All, The housekeeping team have removed your vacuum cleaner into protective custody. It was being abused as a doorstop. If someone in your flat can produce evidence that you have an actual doorstop, and swear that you intend to use it from now on, the Hoover will be released. Regards, Paul Nann.”

Girl: “Hi, I had a memo saying I had a parcel.” / Porter: “Give it here.” / Girl: “I didn’t bring it with me.” / Porter: “Well why not? This guy here brought his! [gestures] That’s because he’s a man. He’s got a brain. [cackles loudly; the cackle comes to a crescendo and the Porter chokes]”

“Because they were excluded from membership, they were not allowed to join.”

“The French tried to squeeze the German lemon.” [At the Paris Peace Conference, that is…]

Optician: “And how long have you worn contact lenses, Mr Webber?” / Me: “Erm… I’ve never worn contact lenses.” / Mum: [in text message] “They were probably just trying to get into your blog.”

One handout mis-spelt “causal relationship” as “casual relationship” twice – and as far as I’m aware, they’re rather different things.

World in Union

On Thursday I steeled myself to risk assassination and argue against the Israeli boycott at the University of Sussex Students’ Union Annual General Meeting (sorry, the phrase ‘AGM’ isn’t allowed – I mean, of course, Students Decide).

[Gabrielquotes will now be interrupted for a vomit-break. Anyone who is not vomiting is invited to compare the Students Decide logo to this LSD tablet.]

We started by discussing next year’s Union budget, which plans to overspend by £77,800 by dipping into our reserves, and this was of course approved without controversy. Spending our way out of a recession. Good, sound Gordon Brown economics.

However, before we could begin talking about really controversial issues like Israel and the Union’s policy on “animal entertainment venues” (I’ve heard of going to the zoo on a school trip but can’t quite picture a Politics Professor taking us…) some eagle-eyed attendee noticed that we were short of our quorum of 450 students.

To be precise, we were about 400 students short of the quorum of 450.

So instead of talking about anything serious, a long discussion followed on whether we should put the question to an online referendum instead. One student was violently opposed to this idea, declaring, “If you look historically, referendums are the instrument of dictatorship.” And how right he was.

A touch of mystery: Sherlock comes to Sussex

There’s something strange going on in Lewes Court. Unusual amounts of maintenence problems are building up, and the Porter’s lodge stands empty. Who better to solve the conundrum than renowned detective Sherlock ‘Ideal’ Holmes? (For best results, watch in full-screen.)

Point of no return

Southern Railway or Southern Racketeers?
Southern Railway: just the ticket!

On Monday I made two startling discoveries. Firstly, I found the ticket office at Falmer station actually open within its opening hours – there’s a first time for everything! And secondly, I found that a single train ticket home, from Falmer to Surbiton, costs £14.45, while a return ticket plus a full London Travelcard costs £13.15.

So my natural stinginess, and my desire to avoid paying £2 for a worse product, would explain the odd look the ticket-seller gave me when I bought two ‘return’ tickets for two consecutive days rather than a single for each!

Have you had an accident at work?

Sir George Campbell MP did, while colonising around India and the Himalayas on horseback. He could successfully sue his employers, the British taxpayer, for damages. We think you should hear his story:

The people who made today happen
In tonight’s production, Sir George Campbell MP was impersonated, without his consent, by Sir Gabriel Webber MP, and was accompanied by the overture from The Pirates of Penzance by Gilbert and Sullivan, who were also responsible for the song above – to an extent. Sir Arthur Conan-Doyle MP created Sherlock Holmes. Steven Moffat created Benedict Cumberbatch. The time was sponsored by Accurist. This was an Gabrielquotes production.

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