Exams ahoy!

Lessons are over. Just as The Guardian has expressed its astonishment that some students have only 13 hours per week of contact time (…I have 8!), we’re on exam leave, and I have three clear weeks to steel myself for troubling times ahead.

And also for some less troubling times ahead. One of our exams is 40% statistical questions: quite basic, GCSE Maths-style statistical questions such as, “Look at this table. How many people voted for the Conservatives and think that there should be an EU constitution?”

Indeed, the only thing that could make it more like SATs would be the inclusion of a pointless and gratuitious narrative:


Outsourcing: a luta continua

It is a tad askew, is it not, that the greatest sign of activity that the Porter has shown all year has been to start a petition to prevent him from being outsourced and replaced by someone who is less, how shall I put it, energetically challenged.

Here’s his contribution to the cause:

He has absolutely no sense of irony and I’m going to miss him terribly when I have to move out!

…as Moses was told by the guy who carried the Ten Commandments.

On Tuesday, workers affected by the plans to outsource the University went and had a protest in Library Square. I went too, largely because I’d never yet seen the Porter outside of his room and wondered if he’d dissolve on contact with natural light. (He didn’t.)

One trade unionist type person began speaking with the rousing words, “Please gather round and listen up,” and then proceeded to give an impassioned speech. However, he rather lost credibility when he claimed, “When the power goes out in your residences, it’s Maintenance who fix it. It’s them who are there 24 hours a day to sort stuff.” Such lies!

But then everyone sang ‘We All Live in a Privatised Regime’ to the tune of Yellow Submarine so there was a happy ending.

The University management should really be shipped off to The Hague. Definitely.

A further demonstration is planned for 1pm tomorrow. Interested readers can download and print out a pre-prepared protest sign by clicking here.

“It is absolutely not true that the Prime Minister plays Fruit Ninja.”

David Cameron composes sarcastic tweets about railway delays… oh no wait a minute, that’s me.

Our society has degraded to the point where a Downing Street spokesperson has had to talk drivel such as the above. This is the news that “if there was a gold medal for chillaxing, David Cameron would win it. “

Yes, apparently our Prime Minister knows how to unwind, playing tennis against a machine known as “the Clegger,” doing karaoke, inviting mates round for snooker (maybe George from next door?), watching DVD boxsets and using his iPad to play “the cult game Fruit Ninja, in which players swipe their fingers across a screen to slice through moving images of pieces of melon, orange and pineapple.” And people wonder why the economy’s in a mess!

Anyway, Davey C has very kindly taken a few moments from his packed schedule to compose a little ditty for us entitled If I Only Had the Time.

In my job I’m always busy,
And it gets me in a tizzy,
This Whitehall pantomime.
I would love to slice some mangos
While cutting all the quangos
If I only had the time.

Oh, the problems are quite mega
Finding time to play ‘The Clegger’,
Named for a pal of mine.
And although it’s kind of folky,
I would love some karaoke
If I only had the time.

Oh I’d use Number 10
To enjoy a game of pool.
Let nobody suggest that I’m uncool
Because I sign my texts with LOL.

I would love to be chillaxing
Instead of top-rate taxing
And cracking down on crime.
So if I had my druthers
I’d be watching ‘Band of Brothers’
If I only had the time.

Sussexballs: £9000 per annum paid for contributions[One lecturer’s tip on how to revise ‘The Short 20th Century and Beyond’…] “Exercise your hand muscles.”

“Our tips on how much you should write in the exam: it obviously depends on the speed and on how much you write.”

“It’s a good idea to get together with your co-students […] Get a co-student to look over your answer.” [Not to mention our ‘friends’…]

“Now we’re going to go through a model answer […] There’s no such thing as a model answer.”

“You won’t be marked down for having bad handwriting but it won’t help you.” [Did anyone seriously expect it to help them?]

“I hope you find this to be satisfactory and that the matter is not fully dealt with.”

And the week’s Completely Made-up Technobabble Award goes, of course, to Residential Services:

Ethics and propriety, 19th century style

These days everyone’s worried about politicians receiving inappropriate hospitality from outside interest groups. There was a time, however, when this was not so. Here to tell us about it is the one and only Sir George Campbell MP, recounting the tale of how he went to dinner with an Indian Rajah who had an annual revenue of £5 per  year!

And now for something substantially similar…
In tonight’s episode, the researcher was played by Yasmin. The Porter was provided by SussexCo Plc., experienced providers of resisdential services, call 08081 570249 for enquiries. Protestors and other extras were provided by three separate and distinct organisations including Unite. Sussex itself dropped down 16 places in The Guardian league table. The First Lord of the Treasury was played by a lazy so-and-so, not entirely unlike the Porter. The song was performed by Gabriel Webber, who’s been receiving voice coaching in preparation for his appearance at the Leveson Inquiry. This was an Gabrielquotes production.

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