We live in Olympic times

“Papua New Guinea surprises everyone in the shotput.”

But you might just beat them if you accurately throw your email address into the box on the right. (Plus there’s a special prestige available to anyone who understands the epigraph above!)

Well they’re very nearly here. The moment has come.

The Transport for London posters helpfully advising commuters, “The quickest way into unemployment may be to show up at work 9 hours late because we’ve closed all the stations,” are about to become reality.

“We want the focus to stay on the world class sporting spectacle and celebrations, not on security,” said a Metropolitan Police officer on his blog dedicated to the topic of Olympic security.

Here is another extract from his blog:

Why oh why would I want to view Commander Bob Broadhurst in actual size? Might I be suspicious that he’s actually an action figure? Might these suspicions even be justified by the fact that the said “actual size” photograph is only 17cm high?

Still, you know what they say. “A policeman’s blog is not a soppy one. Soppy one.”

Meanwhile, the Civil Aviation Authority has produced some helpful advice for private pilots considering flying over the green running tracks and rooftop missiles of the Olympic Park:
Really? You’re supposed to do what the people with guns tell you? Thank goodness I read the leaflet!

An ode to an independent Scotland

What with preparations for the Scottish independence referendum getting underway, I thought it was time to think about how the SNP got where they are.

So, without further ado – aside from an apology for my outrageous highland accent and for my completely unnecessary racial stereotyping, often for the sole purpose of producing a halfway decent rhyme – I can officially present The Ballad of Britain and Scotland!

Oh good Lord

House of Lords reform has been very much in the news this week, so I thought I’d turn to my old friend Sir George Campbell for his comments. Unfortunately, he’s taking a holiday this week to celebrate some very good (and rather ironic) news which he received by email:

Sir George Campbell: you have a new follower on Twitter – @UnlockDemocracy

And I promise that this email is genuine and unedited!

But anyway, Sir George very kindly suggested an understudy, an old friend of his named Archibald Primrose the 5th Earl of Rosebery, who – despite the stupid name – was Prime Minister once upon a very brief time. But even before taking office, he had this to say on the subject of Lords reform:

However, given that he made his remarks in 1888, I don’t think he need have worried about further democratisation! Also worth a note is that he was replying to his fellow peer the 8th Duke of Argyll – whose real name coincidentally happened to be George Campbell. It’s a small world.

But anyway, it’s time for the section entitled…

In other news

A High Court judge has issued a 46-page judgement which ruled that the Samsung Galaxy tablet PC is “not as cool” as an iPad. Yes, those were the exact words of His Honour Judge Birss QC. In other other legal news, Abu Qatada has been found guilty of being “a wrong’un and no mistake,” ’phone-hacking at News of the World was “well bad,” and Dr Shipman was “bang out of order.”

Well that’s enough of that
In tonight’s episode, the safety of London was maintained by Commander Bob Broadhurst (no doubt soon to become Commander Sir Bob Broadhurst). The part of the Singing Scotsman was played by Gabriel McWebber of the clan Kingston, while the British Bard was played by Gabriel St Webber – one of the Wiltshire St Webbers. The person with a pansy name was Archibald Primrose: do you see what I did there? Seb Coe refused to make a cameo appearance even though he did so in Twenty Twelve. This was an Gabrielquotes production.


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