The First Amendment [second draft]

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“Before he ever set foot on the Lehigh University campus in Pennsylvania this autumn, one new student’s reputation had preceded him,” reported Times Higher Education in an article emailed to me by one of m’colleagues.

Apparently, this scummy, low-life student had been “sharing on social media bad things he had heard about the dormitory where he would live,” and even went so far as to criticise his course’s reading list. Slagging off a university for which he’s paying; complaining about accommodation for which he’s paying: what a bastard!

Although interesting, I have literally no idea why the article was supposed to be relevant to me. So if anyone has a clue, do let me know…

Sussex stuff

Photograph taken Friday 12 October 2012

I imagine that most universities have a boasting building, one filled with trophies and certificates and league tables and awards that nobody’s ever really heard of. And even announcements about not quite winning awards that nobody’s ever heard of.

Sussex is no different, and in the entrance of creatively-named Sussex House there is a poster proclaiming to the world (and the Vice-Chancellor when his Rolls-Royce pulls up outside each morning as he goes into work, or at least the loose sense of the word ‘work’ that applies to senior Sussexites) what a wonderful uni we are.

And as you can see, we’re the 8th-best university in Britain and 79th best in the world!

The sad thing, though, is that at the moment we’re actually 13th in the UK (by the most generous league table) and 110th in the world. It seems like someone ‘forgot’ to have the poster updated this decade: what a pity.

Good call

In a lecture on political philosophy this week I uncovered a remarkable quote, very much ahead of its time, which clearly formed the basis of well-known telecommunications company and extortion racket Vodafone’s business ethics:

The Office of Fair Trading, meanwhile, has produced some sample contracts that may be “unfair” and illegal. One of these is an example of an unfair mobile ’phone contract, made with a company they called

Now just fancy that.

Announcement from America: Obama’s ancestors

This week BBC Sussex ran a story headlined, “Rain cancels Battle of Hastings.” Unfortunately my newsgathering is equally out-of-date, and although I have sent a correspondent out to the United States to report on election fever on the ground, that was in 1879 and he’s only just got back to me.

Nevertheless, his findings do contain some interesting tidbits on the political persuasions of “negresses” so without further ado, may I present, George Campbell in America.

So there you have it, my dear friends: tonight, you have heard proof positive that “negresses” vote Republican, the Democrats would like to ban people from wearing veils, white people have to drag negros to polling booths with them, the Klu Klux Klan are really lovely chaps, and South Carolina “is not so black as it has been painted” (I wonder if this was Sir George attempting a pun?) – lucky I was able to clarify that for you!

Israel: going to the wall

An Israeli civil rights activist, the wonderful Anat Hoffman, has been arrested by a large group of police for “causing a public disturbance” by praying at Judaism’s most holy site, the Western Wall, while being a woman. Obviously the sight of a woman praising God in public is disgusting so here at Gabrielquotes, we completely agree with the Israeli police and would further support the arrest of Theresa May for causing a public disturbance by being Home Secretary while being a woman, Elton John for causing a public disturbance by singing while gay, and Saudi Arabian women in general for driving under the influence of knickers.

Disclaimer: I’m obviously being sarcastic, and in fact I fully support equal rights for women in Israel and Saudi Arabia, same-sex marriage in the UK – though that apparently makes me a fascist – and Theresa May’s job as Home Secretary (Now you’re just being silly. -Ed.)

In tonight’s episode, the sanctity of free speech was protected by Lehigh University. The Vice-Chancellor was played by Michael Farthing MDC [Member of the Drones Club]. Jean-Jacques Rousseau was clearly not a customer of Vodafone – I reckon he’s more of an O2 person. George Campbell in America preceeded Stephen Fry in America by a long shot. This was an Gabrielquotes production.

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