There’s a cannabis factory on “every street in Brighton,” according to reports in this week’s local press. An Argus ‘exclusive’ claims that the done thing in the most modern drug-dealing circles is to rent small houses and do the dodgy business there.
Sussex Police have produced an informative leaflet aimed at landlords, recommending that they visit their properties regularly to check for a number of key indicators that cannabis may be being cultivated there. I’ve gone over the checklist, and have reached the startling conclusion that someone in my house must be producing drugs – it’s the only explanation!
Here are some of the police’s telling signs:
- “Tinfoil” – check.
- “Baking soda” – check.
- “A large number of extension cords” – check. Though admittedly this could be something to do with the low number of (working) plug sockets in the house.
- “Individuals leaving the premises to smoke a cigarette” – has been known. Bastards.
- “Peeling paint or mildewed wallboard or carpet” – check. This is not only indicative of cannabis production, but also of a crap landlord.
- “Regular activity or noise after midnight” – check. Four students in residence.
- “Strong unpleasant odours, or a strong smell of deoderant” – check. Four students in residence. (The guidance goes on: “The presence of a strong cat urine-like smell is a sign that drugs maybe being produced,” – well either that or perhaps a cat lives there.)
So there you have it. Proof positive that either me or one of my housemates is in the narc trade. For any landlords reading, here are some of Sussex Police’s other hints and tips on how to spot cannabis production:
- “The presence of cannabis plants” – thank God we have Sherlock Holmes to identify some of the more subtle signs for us.
- “People exchanging small packets for cash” – watch out for this one at your local Cornish pasty retailer.
- And finally my favourite: “The presence of any obvious evidence”
In previous blog posts, we may have given the impression that George Osborne was not a stupid, insensitive, incompetent upper-class twit. We have now seen the error of our ways and hereby conclude that he is a stupid, insensitive, incompetent upper-class twit.
On the very same day that Andrew Mitchell resigned for behaving as if he owned Britain, our beloved but rather susceptible Chancellor decided to behave as if he owned Britain, specifically by sitting in the First Class section of a Virgin train despite having only a standard ticket, then refusing to move when asked because he “could not possibly” sit with everyone else.
In the end he coughed up £160 for a proper ticket, but since his credit card is presumably connected straight to the Bank of England, the entire incident would be a complete loss to the British taxpayer if it weren’t for the (brightly shining) silver lining of the public humiliation. Of which this is just a small part:
George Osborne moves along the tracks
Working out your rate of tax.
Clearly thinks he’s a celeb:
Can’t possibly sit with the plebs.
The Thin Controller checks his fare;
“This is no good!” he did declare.
“Move your Old Etonian arse,
You can’t sit in First Class!”
George Osborne started to complain,
Seemed to think he owned the train.
“You can’t charge me a penalty,
The Second Lord of the Treasury!”
He said that Virgin could not fail
To win a franchise from Network Rail:
He had power to assign
The West Coast Mainline.
The Thin Controller turned away,
Said if Osborne wouldn’t pay
There’s only one remaining course:
The use of disproportionate force.
George remembered he was rich;
The train went on without a hitch.
Down the hills and round the bend:
Osborne and his friends.
“The Security Council can authorise military action, impose sanctions, disrupt the postal service…” [So very much in increasing order of significance?]
“Students’-Union-President has invited you to the event NUS DEMO PLACARD MAKING.” [How well she knows me…]
“If France was to invade England and occupy Sussex…” [It’s happened before, it’ll happen again!] “…it wouldn’t mean we could go and invade Normandy.” [It’s happened before, it’ll happen again!]
In other news, the campus Chaplain is leaving after 23 years. The University is taking advantage of the opportunity to outsource all religious services (pun fully intended) to a private company, Isaiah & Sons Limited.
Announcing the decision, Registrar John Puffy told Gabrielquotes, “We were impressed by Isaiah’s vision statement.” The vision, outlined in Chapter 11, is of a university campus where “the wolf shall lie down with the lamb.”
The Pest Control Department was unavailable for comment.
Across the seas…
A BBC article has revealed the Coverup of the Year, in this quote from their diplomatic correspondent, Jonathan Marcus:
They kept that quiet didn’t they! In other drivel, the Guardian website bagged this week’s awards for Geographical Knowledge and Astonishing Insight with this astonishing piece of “breaking” news in the “UK” section:
What a shocker.
Meanwhile, it was bad enough when the panel selecting the new Chief Rabbi decided to interview the candidates’ wives, but now some Republicans are citing Mrs Romney’s views on abortion (which can be summed up as ‘No!’) as a reason to hand her husband control of some nuclear weapons.
But frankly, the main argument against Mitt Romney – and his son Glove – entering the Whitehouse is Mormonism: what would happen to the Special Relationship between the US and the UK? With monogamy out the window, Romney could start a Special Relationship with every country in Europe, and that would be ridiculous and might lead to someone murdering someone with poison because they tried to escape from the Great Alkali Plain and then Arthur Conan Doyle would be able to write about it and… (Take a few days’ holiday. -Ed.)