Not much cop

Well, it’s nearly time for Top of the Cops, and in just a fortnight from now we’ll be electing our own police chiefs. The candidate statements were released on Friday and they make pretty interesting reading. So interesting that I can present, for one season only, Gabrielquotes’ very first column of

In Sussex, the Labour candidate is a former probation officer and currently a magistrate. The Lib Dem used to chair the Sussex Police Authority. The UKIP man is a retired police officer. And Ian Chisnall (independent) is a community development worker. The Tory candidate, Katy Bourne, has no relevant experience or knowledge but does bring something utterly unique to the table in the form of her number one manifesto commitment:

This policy puts her at odds with many of her adversaries in this Police Commissioner election, who are actually indifferent to crime and have top priorities ranging from, “Never knowingly undersold,” to, “Finger lickin’ good.”

Ms Bourne’s authorised biography omits to mention that she is a “private investor” by trade, a “governor of Roedean School,” and as such, a truly representative woman of the people. To be fair though, it does explain that she is Chairman of the Conservative Women’s Association (yes, you did read that right: Chairman), and you can read a Message from her here.

In a recent interview, she couldn’t explain what she meant when she used the word ‘equitable’ (“Well, I mean, equitable, just equitable…”), claimed to have no idea that citizen’s arrests existed in real life, and overall answered 19 different questions with the words, “I don’t know.” Perhaps she should appear before the Leveson Inquiry.

Other local news

Police sir, may I have some more?

Certainly. Turning to (No more gratuitous puns. -Ed.) my second home in Surrey, we have two independent candidates standing, one of whom, Kevin Hurley, represents a made-up party called Zero Tolerance Policing ex Chief – no doubt soon to be joined by ex-chief Rabbi Jonathan Sacks. Mr Hurley says he has experience of

which is likely to come in handy when dealing with the increasingly violent Sunni-Shia conflict that’s been raging throughout West Horsley since God knows when.

Up against him is Conservative Julie Iles, who – like her colleague in Sussex – has built her manifesto around the theme of ‘predictability’. Her top aim is:

…so no surprises there then. Another local manifesto says:

That was from Robert Shatwell, who is contesting this apolitical election in the name of the UK Independence Party. Nice try Robert.

Sussexballs: £9000 per annum paid for contributions“This is debateable, for want of a better word. Well not for want of a better word, but for lack of a will to use a better word.”

“I have no doubt that there are many people in here who believe that human rights is a good thing.”

“These little Icelandic nations are used for money-laundering.”

[Because the length of a Sussex term has increased by a fortnight, there are two filler weeks on every course because it’s like bare effort to think of another political philosopher to teach. So instead…] “The best mnemonic that I could come up with for how to write a good essay is ‘ASK CRAP’, which isn’t great but is moderately humourous.”

“Ignore the University, listen to me.”

“Sartori wrote Parties & Party Systems Volume 1 in 1978. He also wrote Volume 2 but he left it in a taxi.”

[Conclusion of a lecture on ‘Humanitarian Intervention’] “There is no such thing as humanitarian intervention.”

“My last interesting observation is…” […something terribly terribly modest?]

On Tuesday, this blog received a hit from someone who Googled, “is john duffy sussex any good” – I hope they found their answer.

Some other news:

A Campbell-shaped hole

The Gabrielquotes inbox was flooded this week when just under two emails arrived asking whether the ubiquitous Sir George Campbell MP would be standing for election on the Liberal ticket. Well, unfortunately he won’t be, but I’ll allow him to provide his own explanation.

’Ello, ’ello, ’ello, what’s all this then?
In tonight’s episode, the Conservatives were plotting to destroy Sussex as we know it. The Tories were plotting to destroy Surrey as we know it. And for UKIP’s Robert Shatwell, life’s just one long party. This was an Gabrielquotes production.

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