Sussex up to date

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As all readers of this blog know, Sussex is at the cutting edge of modern university education. With the bold tagline MAKING THE FUTURE, the 2013-entry Sussex prospectus has been released, causing a wave of national excitement only just short of that caused by the Leveson Report which will be coming out later today.

The new prospectus is available for download from the Sussex website, on a page labelled:

On the front cover of this up to date source of information is the assertion that Sussex is:

Further within, the prospectus claims:
Now, not only did that second one shamelessly plagiarise this blog’s colour scheme, but with both of these ‘facts’, the prospectus’ authors have made the interesting decision to use league table figures from last year, which show Sussex in a positive light, rather than the most recent set of figures which paint a rather different picture.

One has to wonder why the self-proclaimed “most up to date source of information” is not using, erm, the most up to date information.

Head further down the page for a sneak preview of John Duffy’s new Sussex Campus Masterplan!

A tax is the best form of defence

Talk about nerve; HM Revenue & Customs has asked the Department of Transport to introduce legislation entitling them to break speed limits.

DfT are currently considering a adding a whole range of different organisations to the official list of those exempt from speed limits; their “impact assessment” (what a choice of words) states that “HMRC are involved in covert surveillance of suspects involved in major organised crime.” HMRC’s investigations certainly seem to be very covert. Indeed, their investigations into major tax avoidance seem to be so covert as to be virtually non-existent.

Also… just a thought, but a speeding car not being pursued by the police doesn’t sound “covert” at all anyway.

Speaking of spooks…

A pretty extreme example of a leak…

MI6, a.k.a. the Secret Intelligence Service, placed an advert in the Evening Standard this week (yeah, I know…) in which they invited “outstanding candidates” to apply for jobs as Intelligence Officers.

The advert also promised, “We’ll help you create a credible cover story for friends and family.”

In these cash-strapped times of austerity, I feel that MI6 ought to start offering this service on a commercial basis. So often, one needs an excuse but simply doesn’t have the imagination, consistency or rather obvious fake-passport-making staff to pull it off.

Nick Clegg: MI6 cover story

One Bank One Guvnor

After a long and exhaustive recruitment process, Canadian Mark Carney has been appointed the new Archbishop of Canterbury Governor of the Bank of England. Given the recent success of the PCC elections, it seems that the trend is towards electing public officials rather than relying on old-fashioned techniques like meritocracy.

So if the next Governor of the Bank is to be elected, they’ll need to popularise the role somehow. Like this:

The Duffy’s Masterplan

While boasting away about the University’s success in previous years, the bunch of swankers who run Sussex have also been working on an impressively titled Campus Masterplan, detailing the brand new buildings that they’re going to spend our tuition fees on.

Registrar & Secretary John Duffy gave a presentation to the University Senate this week (a copy is here if anyone’s interested) and revealed that he will be demolishing the much-loved East Slope, and replacing it with a few new blocks plus a new area of accommodation creatively called ‘West Slope’.

He plans to keep the existing “landmark buildings” famously designed by Sir Basil Spence, but intriguingly intends to erect some “new landmark buildings.” Yes: a select few are definitely going to be landmarks, while the rest of the new stuff will be just rubbish.

Sussexballs: £9000 per annum paid for contributions“I apologise for having to cancel my office hour last week. I strongly advise you to stay away from the seafood salad sandwiches.”

“If you want to hear more critiques of Rawlsian justice then I suggest you do my third-year course. If that idea fills you with horror then I suggest that you don’t.”

“The whole concept of development is sickening, to be honest.”

Some consolation

The Association of Former Members of Parliament is an interesting organisation. Their newsletter’s column Where Are You Now? features retired or defeated MPs pretending that they enjoy their lives post-Parliament. For example, former Deputy Speaker Sylvia Heal wrote – with a slight air of regret– “My grandchildren are having a waterfight in the back garden. I’ve been around for a lot more afternoons like this since I left Westminster.”

There’s also a certain amount of self-congratulation. As of this month, illustrious former MPs are able to secure, for only £199, a “stylish Gold Plated hand polished badge/brooch depicting the wording Former Member of Parliament, Crown and Portcullis, personalised with your initials,” pictured above. They are apparently “a fitting way to display your involvement in British Politics.”

As a sum of money, £199 is obviously very (unlike the sort of people likely to spend it) and I would advise Nadine Dorries to make an advance order now!

Behind today’s happenings
In tonight’s episode, the fiddles were figured by the University of Sussex. HMRC broke all known limits (of incompetence). The MI6 Artworker had to be replaced at the last minute because he accidentally cut off his own ear. West Slope was erected by John Duffy. Past Westminster grandees were ripped off by Regimental Treasures. This was an Gabrielquotes production.

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