At the same time as David Cameron has been handbagging the European Union and insisting that Britain is a lovely sovereign state, a royal throne of kings, a scepter’d isle and a seat of Mars (What does that actually mean? I’ve always wondered. -Ed.), the government is consisdering running adverts in Bulgaria and Romania claiming that the UK is a hellhole and that even a semi-lobotomised chimpanzee would not consider moving here.
They apparently plan to “focus on the downsides of British life,” and since the Coalition government is one of these said downsides, they shouldn’t find that too difficult.
Other reasons for Bulgarians and Romanians not to move to the UK include:
- The place is full of bloody Poles
- The flight’s almost certain to be delayed so they may as well stay at home
- They’ll still be governed by a corrupt elite
- There’ll still be no effective public services
- The police here, as there, are drawn from the lower classes
No advertising agency has yet been appointed to spearhead the campaign, so here is my pitch:
In the news
The ‘Duh’ Moment of the Week Award goes to the Brighton Argus for their incisive crime reporting:
And there I was thinking it would be categorised as a domestic assault.
In other local news, a 1-mile stretch of road was subject to traffic jams in excess of two hours this week, initially caused by a fatal combination of engineering works and light snow, and subsequently by a combination of roadworks and cars left abandoned in the middle of the road by people unable to think in the long-term.
The Argus reported this catastrophe as:
…but I’ll believe that headline when hell, erm, ices over.
The worst things about Britain: continued
He was joined by Camilla, who – according to the BBC – “is said to have used the Underground in the past.” It’s really sad that she can’t shake off these malicious rumours after so many years.
The royal couple travelled with the use of specially-produced OysterCards which will now be donated to the Royal Collection. When they’re put on display in a hundred years’ time, children are going to gape at them in disbelief that £10 was ever enough to travel a whole one stop on the Tube!
In other monarchical news, Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands has abdicated the throne (it’s definitely not a resignation, but more of a stepping aside) in favour of her 45-year-old son.
Some people think that Prince Charles is out of touch with ordinary British people and not fit to rule, but compared to Willem-Alexander of Holland, he’s pretty working class.
He’s been on the Underground after all.
Our European partners
All this talk of the UK being horrible, and of British power being subsumed by bureaucrats in Brussels, may make one feel a little down. What better to restore our patriotic spirit, and appreciation of our green and pleasant land, than to listen to Sir George Campbell MP explaining why Brits are better than Germans:
Have I Got News for Jews
Friday’s Jewish Chronicle performed its traditional role of demonstrating how journalism should not be done. It ran a story about the infamous Oxfam vote in which the author, Marcus Dysch, quoted ten speakers from the losing side and one from the winning side.
The angle Marcus took was to reveal that some of the anti-Oxfam crew, having lost the vote, are planning to halt their funding of the Board of Deputies.
Let us not forget that these people (a) made great play of the fact that they were exercising their democratic rights by forcing the debate in the first place, and (b) made great play of the fact that the Board is a democratic organisation and not one manipulated by those who bankroll it.
It seems that some members of the Board now believe it’s appropriate to boycott a democratic institution solely because they disagree with one of its policies. They ought to join the Palestine Solidarity Campaign.
It’s back…
“Your essays on this course – sorry, module – are only 1,500 words. That is bollocks! I strongly disagree with this Keynesian approach to education.” (What is she on about? -Ed.)
“Some textbooks are aimed at American undergraduates, who are very different to you and inferior in some ways.”
“Make sure you do not take references from RightWingNews.com, or World Conservatives.”
Textbook: “The task of explaining Japanese economic growth is not easy, as the use of the term ‘miracle’ suggests […] The ‘no-miracle-occurred’ school of analysis asserts that what happened to Japan’s economy was not miraculous.”
Gabrielquotes 
Thank you, I was highly entertained this week, and brought up to date with terrible stuff going on at home. ^__^