We are not a mews

After News of the World and extraordinary rendition, what’s the latest vast criminal conspiracy “with international implications” to ravage our nation, I hear you ask? Well, it’s HorseGate of course, otherwise known as StableDoor.

It turns out that a shadowy gang of food manufacturers, possibly with the assistance of a sinister religious colt, have been deliberately conspiring to contaminate Tesco microwave lasagne with horsemeat, and the supermarket has been unwittingly flogging these meat products to consumers.

Cheap nasty shop Aldi, which seems to be one of the mane chains affected, has confirmed that it was selling some items containing “up to 100% horsemeat”.

One of the suppliers implicated in the scandal, the Grimbsby-based Findus, is expected to face serious financial problems in the near future. (For the want of a nail…) A spokesperson said, “We simply sold the food which was delivered to us as usual on Monday morning in a giant wooden cow on wheels.”

Marx released on campus

At 1pm on Friday, my essay marks were released onto my Sussex Direct profile online. The only problem was that everyone else’s results were also released at 1pm on Friday, and since Sussex Direct only has the capacity to support just under two simultaneous users, the system crashed for several hours, and even when it became usable again most of the results were missing.

So the questions are: why does the University of Sussex have an IT system which is not suitable for basic academic functions such as, erm, releasing grades? And, this being the case, why did they choose to release everyone’s marks at the same time when they could have staggered them throughout the day/week/month?

Answers on a postcard please.

This scandal, known as Resultsgate, joins a prestigious list of IT Services cock-ups. Still, only to expected when they operate in abject poverty with a budget of just £5.3m.

The Bourne Conspiracy

Surprisingly enough, the Queen has been recognised as the most powerful woman in the UK after Rebekah Brooks. (Is this right? -Ed.)

Katy Bourne is 11.

But one conspicuous absence from the ‘BBC Woman’s Hour power list’ is that of Katy ‘Speaking as a Woman’ Bourne, Police & Crime Commissioner for Sussex. She has obviously been passed over as a result of outdated gender stereotypes: the idea that a woman’s place is running a country, not a county, still lingers on.

Anyway, Katy B is a very powerful woman, as she’s decided to appoint a Deputy Commissioner to share with her the awesome burden of making one Decision every six to nine months.

The lucky man, Steve Waight, appeared before the Sussex Police & Crime Panel – who have the privilege of scrutinising Katy’s actions and frustrating her knavish tricks – in a confirmation hearing.

The next day, the Panel chairman (sexist) wrote to her recommending “that the proposed candidate is not appointed to the post.”

Her response? “Thanks for the scrutiny. Lol jk, you don’t have a veto and I’m going to appoint him anyway so screw you. Now say I’m not a powerful woman Radio 4!”

Strictly Come Cheating

An Italian mafia don has been arrested for handing out “over 300” mobile ’phones to his cronies in order to ensure that his 13-year-old daughter won enough votes to stay in a TV talent contest.

This seems petty  but nevertheless criminal; but then the BBC story continued:
Those Italians really know how to do democracy…

A word from Sir George

An example of Sir George’s outdated humour

In his memoirs, Sir George Campbell MP recorded one anecode during the Indian Mutiny which is of particular relevance to this week’s news.

“I was mounted on that fine but rather impetuous gray Arab whom I have mentioned before,” he wrote. Assuming that he wasn’t referring to Yasser Arafat, we must surmise that the ‘gray Arab’ in question was a horse.

But the mysterious thing about this story is… there’s no word of what happens to the horse in the end!

Happy burgers people.

A final dressage

In tonight’s episode, the British food industry was in a serious but stable condition. In order to report on the horsemeat scandal I had to drop the dead donkey. IT Services discovered that Sussex has more than 7 students. The Popemobile was bought on eBay; payments accepted via Papal. This was an Gabrielquotes production.