Election day: EU decide

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from the desk of sir georgeAt this most democratickiest of democratick times, as our relationship with Europe hangs in the balance and as Nigel Farage hangs some Romanians, Gabrielquotes is selflessly giving its headline slot over to a public service announcement on behalf of the Liberal Party which – according to Sir George Campbell MP – is “the only party determined to keep Britain in”.

But in what?


At last a league table triumph…

…though sadly not a proper one.

Sussex University was very proud this week to be named the seventh-most influential university in the world – then in smaller letters, “on Twitter”. They even made a celebratory graphic to highlight this achievement.

It’s true, Sussex’s social media presence has dominated the world in the last couple of months. From:

text2985(I think you may be confused with UKIP? -Ed.) to:

2text3008(Now you’re definitely confused with UKIP. -Ed.) (No, I’m definitely not. -G.) they have been setting the global trend ever since they were founded in the 1960s. And perhaps they’ll be even more successful once I’m no longer dragging down standards by undermining their online message.

All a-Board

board of deputies of british jews badgeI’d have thought that getting older would make me feel more at home at Board of Deputies meetings, but in fact each seems sillier than the last. To be fair, last Sunday’s meeting had an agenda. But the agenda mainly served to separate a series of unseemly races to the microphone in which people competed to determine who could say the most bigoted thing.

The main topic of discussion was the proposed merger between the Board of Deputies (a Jewish representative organisation whose members have been elected by the constituencies they represent) and the Jewish Leadership Council (a Jewish representative organisation whose members have been elected by the constituencies they represent).

For those who aren’t familiar with the intricacies of this drama, keep it that way.

Person after person stood up to complain that any merger would be “undemocratic”, “totalitarian” and “autocratic”. A former President said, and I quote: “The Pesach story is all about the transition from slavery to freedom. Why would we reverse that by placing ourselves in an alliance with the JLC?” (I’m never quite sure why utterly unjustified ‘Egyptian slavery’ comparisons are less offensive than Nazi comparisons. Fortunately they are though.)

After one of the best scuffles for the microphone which I’ve seen in a long time, with some really impressive elbow-work being exhibited, one Deputy moved an Emergency Motion to cancel the JLC merger once and for all. The President reminded them that motions require notice. “But it’s an emergency!” they repeated.

Yes, emergency, emergency! One Jewish representative organisation might, possibly, merge with another Jewish representative organisation some time in the next 1-3 years. One of the worst catastrophes to befall our people in a long time.

There was also a charming series of attacks on our Treasurer, who had come back from a Yachad trip to the West Bank to decry the conditions in which Palestinians were forced to live. Apparently he wasn’t supposed to have done this, and person after person stood up to complain that people might take his remarks to be the official policy of the Board of Deputies.

Disastrous as it would be if gentiles got the impression that the Board of Deputies supported justice and human rights, I don’t think the crisis quite called for the remarks of the Hon. Memnber for North Salford Synagogue. She suggested that the settler violence which the Treasurer witnessed may have been “stage-managed” by Yachad, who were intent on fooling gullible people into undue sympathy for the Palestinian people.

That’s the second-most implausible conspiracy theory I’ve heard all week… after the one about “organised Jewry” getting their act together and controlling the media.

The Bourne films

Sussex Police & Crime Commissioner Katy Bourne has made her first move on Hollywood with a 2-minute animated video showcasing the finer points of her Local Police & Crime Plan. (The plan mainly consists of incisive social policy initiatives such as – and this is literally what it says – “Keep Sussex a low crime area”.)

Before the film was commissioned, Katy’s chief executive cautioned against a twee, amateurish production featuring “fuzzy felt characters”. Here’s how it came out:

katy bourne videoGlad there aren’t any fuzzy felt characters. The video, which cost the taxpayer £1,380 to produce, has been online for a month now. It has received a grand total of 301 views, and at least four of them were me trying to get the screengrab above. (That’s around £4.65 per view. Absolute bloody bargain.)

By way of comparison, the video Godzilla (Cute Puppy Version), uploaded just one week ago, has had 119,000 views.

In a statement, the Office of the Sussex Police & Crime Commissioner said: “It is a requirement that value for money is a consideration in all procurement decisions.” It’s just a pity that, having considered it, Katy then chose to ignore it as a factor.

katy bourne sectioned

Five of the best

This was a party election broadcast on my own behalf
In tonight’s episode, Sir George Campbell spoke in a local tavern to explain how the Liberals became The Party of Inn. Sussex University masterfully promoted its cause on Twitter. Katy Bourne decided to replace herself with a cost-efficient fuzzy felt character. This was an Gabrielquotes production!

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