Hair today, gone tomorrow

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 Don't think you can hide your bad haircut behind your hand, mate...
Don’t think you can hide your bad haircut behind your hand, mate…

Adam Hollway MP, eh. What a terrible week he’s had. Not only has he been roasted alive by the whole of the internet for being an ignorant racist scumbag, but he couldn’t even get a decent haircut.

Here’s what he told Parliament in a debate about refugees:

We have people in this country who have come here, have claimed asylum, and then they go back on holiday in the places they’ve claimed asylum from. I couldn’t have my hair cut the other day for that reason.

(Watch and listen to it here in full glorious technicolour.)

Yep, not only are refugees coming over here and taking all our bloody jobs, they’re then not doing them properly. Instead, they choose to swan off on holiday to sunny Syria, estimated death toll: 220,000. Bastards.

Spend your summer in Syria: sponsored by Adam Holloway MP
Spend your summer in Syria: sponsored by Adam Holloway MP

I reckon it’s all one big Muslim plot to make MPs’ hair look bad and thereby destabilise our unholy Western way of life.

This new trend of itinerant hairdressers popping back to their countries of origin for a quick hol could be an interesting reversal of that classically boring barber-shop conversation of, “You goin’ anywhere nice for your holidays?”

Or to put it another wayI’m a Refugee and I’m OK


Blues and two-timers

01VolvoPoliceCarPolice forces across the UK have been lending their civilian staff proper police cars, with blue lights and everything, as a tax dodge.

Last week, the BBC revealed that, for example, Merseyside Police’s Director of Finance has been happily driving round in a panda car, as has South Yorkshire Police’s Director of IT, and Humberside’s head of human resources.

Conveniently for all these senior accountants, by having an emergency vehicle instead of a civvy they avoid incurring car tax of around £2,200 per year. But that is, all the forces involved were quick to stress, just a coincidence.

The poor old Chief Financial Officer of West Midlands Police, though, must have been embarassed when his blue-lighted police car was stolen from outside his house in 2011.

Although this is all dangerously close to corruption, the upside is that having all these bureaucrats whizzing round in blues and twos heralds a brand new genre of TV police procedural


America’s trump card

Could YOU be Donald Trump's next apprentice?
Could YOU be Donald Trump’s next apprentice?

Donald Trump’s disastrous interview last week about foreign affairs has received plenty of coverage, especially when he said he didn’t know the difference between Hamas and Hezbollah but would learn it “when it’s appropriate” and, “Believe me, it won’t take long.”

But his bizarre comments didn’t stop there. At one point he used the excellent phrase:

Then, most astonishingly, he took the fifth and refused to answer a question on the grounds that…

This stimulatingly novel understanding of democracy could herald a thrilling new age of Surprise Manifestos



Hopefully America will make the right choice…

Surrey for any inconvenience

when-the-hurly-burly's-doneAlthough Sussex’s Katy Bourne is my fave, Surrey also has a Police & Crime Commissioner and he has a very unique comment to make about the refugee crisis.

Kevin Hurley (pictured left), who likes to swear at his constituents, dress up in police uniform and – as this very press statement reminded us – is “an ex-Paratrooper and an expert on international security”, has a compassionate solution to the massive humanitarian crisis on the other side of the Channel:


More specifically:

I am increasingly frustrated by the huge numbers of illegal migrants […] The Gurkhas are a highly respected and competent force, and are just around the corner. They could help to ensure that our border is not breached.

(The fact that Gurkhas are all migrants anyway is, apparently, an irony lost on Kevin Hurley.)

This is such an appallingly xenophobic statement that it’s surprising Surrey’s Assistant PCC for Equality & Diversity didn’t prevent it. Except, on examination, Surrey’s Assistant PCC for Equality & Diversity is not actually a natural person at all. Said Assistant is a company called Surrey Partnership Ltd.

shiraz mirza
‘Smug’ – Cllr Shiraz Mirza

Although the company is itself, in fact, a single natural person, Councillor Shiraz Mirza (pictured right), 100% shareholder. The other Assistant PCC (for Victims) is a natural person; but Cllr Mirza has chosen to work through a corporate entity instead. In March, the PCC’s auditors questioned this somewhat odd arrangement:

Members asked who Surrey Partnership Ltd was. The Treasurer explained that they provided the services of Shiraz Mirza.

'Smugger' – Gabriel Webber
‘Smugger’ – Gabriel Webber

They (ie. Shiraz Mirza) ‘provide the services’ of Shiraz Mirza?! That’s jolly decent of them (ie. him)! I provide the services of Gabriel Webber (pictured right) but nobody pays me without deductions for national insurance, which is a common purpose of single-person ‘personal service companies’ such as Surrey Partnership Ltd.

As far back as 2012 a Parliamentary committee condemned such arrangements as “a practice which generates suspicions of complicity in tax avoidance and which fails to meet the standards expected of public officials”.

But no doubt Commissioner Kevin Hurley knows best. It’s a miracle he hasn’t been given a blue-light police car for personal use…

Commissioner Hurley and Cllr Mirza were asked for a comment. The PCC was not able to reply in time due to diary commitments; no response was received from Cllr Mirza.

The climate it is a-changing

“JC dot com” – someone’s a huge fan of Jeremy Corbyn…

But turns out it’s God’s will so that’s alright.

In an article in last week’s Jewish Chronicle, historian and political scientist (and, apparently, self-professed climatologist) Geoffrey Alderman criticised a Board of Deputies event about tackling global warming.

He started out by narrowly avoiding a reductio ad Hitlerum, describing the climate change lobby as a manifestation of “fascism”:


Because obviously a drinky do at an office in Camden is extremely undemocratic and illegal.

Then the article became, as if such a thing were possible, slightly more mad, and went straight to fourth reductio ad Hitlerum base:


So there we have it! Our benevolent and omnipotent God, in a cunning ruse to save Britain from the onslaught of the swastika, opted not for the obvious solution of simply not creating Nazism in the first place, and instead melted some ice caps 8,000 years earlier.

Hard to know how the entire scientific community has still failed to realise all this yet…

Also, as a note of advice to Professor Alderman: when you write, try to sound less like a nutter. As Jeffrey Goldberg pointed out in an excellent blog post last month:

Your goal should be to draw your targets in with sane-seeming prose, and only then bring down the hammer of insane ‘truth’ on their heads.

Five of the best

Closing the blog post and the year

Gabrielquotes would like to take this opportunity to wish all his readers a joyous Rosh Hashanah and a happy and sweet 5776. See you in the new year!


In tonight’s episode, Katy Bourne was disappointed not to have been gifted a panda car. Adam Holloway had a bad hair day. Donald Trump moves in mysterious ways, as – according to Geoffrey Alderman – does God. Surrey Partnership Ltd. was equal and diverse. This was an Gabrielquotes production!


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