Morley Academy, Pyongyang

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The Morley Academy's new science block
The Morley Academy’s new science block

A secondary school in Leeds, Morley Academy, has apparently been taking PR advice from Kim Jong-un, after it sent a letter to all parents warning them not to criticise it on social media or else their children would be punished.

The letter told parents there had been too many “inaccurate and deeply offensive” comments made about the school by parents on social media, and that consequences would follow including “full withdrawal of privileges” from pupils.

In particular, it threatened that children of naughty parents would not be allowed on school trips in future, although sadly, in what for me is the worst part of the whole episode, it didn’t use the term ‘school trips’ and instead called them “Enrichment Visits”. (Can you wait while I take a quick vomit? -Ed.)

In other words, they visit the sins of the father on the children, unto the third and the fourth generation. Or in other words:


The school is obviously behaving outrageously but I think the best comment on it has come from former pupil Joe Mitchell:

FireShot Screen Capture #814 - 'Morley Academy, Pyongyang I Gabrielquotes' - gabrielquotes_wordpress_com__p=5892&preview=true&preview_id=5892&preview_nonce=635a492654&post_format=standard

Meanwhile, that other great defender of free speech in an educational setting, Sussex University’s Vice-Chancellor Michael ‘Wackford’ Farthing, has resigned. Details of the precise scandal for which he’s leaving don’t seem to have made it into the public domain yet but watch this space because they’re sure to eventually…

Ministry of Defence, North Korea

220px-Night_GeneralsAs if to cement the UK’s transition into a totalitarian state, an anonymous army commander has threatened a military coup if Jeremy Corbyn is elected Prime Minister by the people of Britain.

They told the Sunday Times that the army would “use whatever means possible, fair or foul” to pursue its own vision of security, regardless of the Labour government’s policy.

Fortunately, though, the security services don’t have to face the terrible menace of democracy quite yet; fortunate because, in the mean time, they have other threats to be dealing with.

For example, officers at Staffordshire University mercifully apprehended a student who was reading a book about terrorism… although on further investigation, it transpired that he was reading it to help him complete his Masters’ degree in Terrorism and Global Crime.

Islamic State's finest
Islamic State’s finest

And a school in Islington was quick to question a 14-year-old Muslim boy who knew a suspicious amount about the aggressive tactics used by some environmental activists… in a lesson on environmental activism. Although quite why this prompted staff to ask him, “Do you have any connection to Isis?” (and quite why they thought that any genuine Isis agent would answer, “Yes I do: bah, foiled again!”) remains unclear.

And, of course, now that I’ve written this blog post, I’ll be picked up and interrogated over my extremist beliefs, then whoever interrogates me will be questioned on their connection to people like me, then their questioner will be grilled, and so on, and so on, getting more and more senior, until eventually whatever General it was that threatened Jeremy Corbyn gets involved, and we find out who it was.

That’s my cunning plan, anyway.

Jobs I’m not applying for, Episode #2

  • Role: Intelligence Officer
  • Employer: Police Skills (security contractor)
  • Salary: £24-30k
  • Entry criteria: “Broad appreciation of organised criminality”
  • Advantages: Season ticket loan, access to company taser
  • Disadvantages: Not only do I not have a broad appreciation of organised criminality, I actually kind of resent it

Court reports

There have been many thrilling developments in the legal world since last time we spoke, my friends:

Firstly, a judge in California has ruled that the lyrics of that well-known Eurovision-winning classic, Happy Birthday to You, are not copyrighted to Warner Brothers. As the judgment was delivered, lawyers for the successful plaintiff skipped around the room, skipped around the room.

argument-clipart-btyezpjtl[1]Secondly, an Australian employment tribunal has found that being unfriended on Facebook can constitute workplace harassment. Presumably it’s also frowned upon to giggle and smirk, or to look at someone in a funny way.

Off to court: Naruto refuses to rule out pre-emptive injunction against David Cameron
Off to court: Naruto refuses to rule out pre-emptive injunction against David Cameron

But by far the most exciting, a monkey has become the first ever non-human to take legal action. Naruto the crested macaque is suing wildlife photographer David Slater (pictured left) for stealing his copyright to the infamous ‘Monkey Selfie’.

Naruto’s lawyers – working for animal rights charity PETA since Naruto’s grasp of copyright law is but rudimentary, for some reason – have filed suit in America saying that since the monkey pressed the shutter, the monkey owns the rights.

This follows a long line of litigation including the well-known ‘dolphin human rights’ case previously covered on this blog.

Apparently nothing in US law says that monkeys can’t hold photographic copyright. And apparently it’s not really, really obviously implied that they can’t, by dint of, well, being monkeys.

But it really does beg the question… Can a six-year-old crested monkey really own a copyright?


Pork-barrel politics

david cameron
Cameron: “Little pig, little pig, let me come in!” (Yuk. -Ed.)

Last week, Lord Ashcroft revealed something horrendous: that the British care more about David Cameron’s indecent acts against a dead pig in the 1980s, than about David Cameron’s indecent acts against millions of living people in the present day.

Yes, this is the news that in a university custom even more unusual than those followed by Sussex, the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland allegedly had a steamy romp with a deceased porker, as prophetically written about by Charlie Brooker for the sci-‘fi’ series Black Mirror.

Although, The Guardian reports, “Conservative sources” deny the allegation (but come on, how do ‘Conservative sources’ know anyway? They can’t have been there throughout his entire time at Oxford), David Cameron is likely to have had a rather awkward time at his weekly audience with Her Maj last week. Still, gives him a break from launching semi-pornographic video channels.


For police tip-offs, press the hash key

This is Kingston, not Hempsted Garden Suburb...
This is Kingston, not Hempsted Garden Suburb…

OK, so it turns out there’s a cannabis farm the size of a football pitch just a few roads away from my house. It’s clearly nothing to do with me.

In fact, this blog has been at the forefront the fight against drugs ever since its the release, back in 2012, of its groundbreaking guide on how to discover dealers living in one’s own neighbourhood.

In relation to the Kingston cannabis haul, police seem to have had the time of their lives taking photos next to the plants. They told the media:

Anyone who has any information about the cultivation of these plants should call police on 101.

So they’re interested in learning how to cultivate the plants themselves! Cunning devils.

from the desk of sir georgeOf course, it’s not the first time in history that agents of the British state have got involved in the narcotics trade. Our very own Sir George Campbell MP recorded, in his Memoirs of My Indian Career, an earlier episode…

In other druggie news (Are you sure you want to branch into this? -Ed.), a kennel in Arizona has been destroyed by a £6,500 bundle of marijuna which somehow fell from the sky. Or that’s what the house-owner says, anyway…

Detectives suspect that it dropped out of a smuggler’s aeroplane, in what I think is technically – and, in this case, ironically – called a ‘dead-drop’. Either that or ‘getting high’.

According to The Telegraph:


Tsk, what a painfully sheltered life he must lead.


I recommend that people buy Private Eye this Thursday. No particular reason… *innocent face*


In tonight’s episode, Naruto the monkey was played by PETA (basically). Happy Birthday was liberated from the shackles of copyright. Kingston-upon-Thames introduced a new, less restrictive economic policy. Morley Academy opened a new branch in North Korea, and the British Army went to join them. This was an Gabrielquotes production!

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