Crime-wave at Zoo Lane

A meerkat-keeper has been found guilty of assualting a monkey-keeper who had been having an affair with her boyfriend, a llama-keeper.

I think John Finnemore’s Zoo Songs need a bit of updating now:


Britain-hating for beginners

So David Cameron’s decided that he doesn’t like Jeremy Corbyn – and that anyone who disagrees with the Conservative vision of our country’s future must, by definition, be “Britain-hating”. As it happens, last week I was accused of being a self-hating Jew and urged to change my name to Gabriel Corbyn so I know what he’s going through.

This vision of Jeremy as the spawn of Satan was buttressed when he missed a meeting of the Privy Council due to a “prior engagement” (no doubt with some organisation not named after an old-fashioned toilet). Also absent was the Archbishop of Canterbury, who had a priory engagement.

Jeremy going AWOL caused a bit of a hoo-ha at the meeting, as this top-secret recording will show…


The official photo of the full Lib Dem party conference
Audience at the Lib Dem party conference

Yes, this has been party conference season. Labour heard a number of rousing speeches, although the party’s Friends of I—-l group was somewhat disappointed by Corbyn’s contribution to their event. But it was a fringe event so at least they got to let their hair down. The Conservatives were surprised and outraged to find that they’re slightly unpopular. And the Lib Dems formally voted to apply for Endangered Species status.

Now all the posturing’s over it’s just about possible these politicians might turn their hand(s) to running the country?


2D3CD89700000578-0-Shackled_A_mother_from_Sacramento_California_is_furious_after_he-a-66_1444401082268-1[1]Toy manufacturer Playmobil have tastefully released a toy black-man-wearing-a-slave-collar, but following online outrage, they’ve clarified that he’s no longer a slave but has started a new career “as a pirate”. Well, at least he’s taken David Cameron’s advice and moved on.

Other controversial toys produced by Playmobil include the disabled woman forced into work by Atos; the corpse of a G20 protestor who had an altercation with the police; and their signature item, The Full Jihadi John Playset.

Plastic was a bit of a troublesome theme of the week all round really. It was last Monday that supermarkets were forced to start charging 5p for plastic shopping bags.

There’s been chaos up and down the country, with Tesco being forced to put burglar-alarm tags on their plastic bags to stop sticky-fingered customers thinking, “Every little helps [destroy the environment still further]” and nabbing them.

Jobs I’m not applying for, Episode #3

  • Role: student discipline officer
  • Employer: King’s College London
  • Salary: £23-26k
  • Experience required: 2 years’ record of working in Zimbabwe
  • Upside: good location
  • Downside: I have self-respect


dislikeYou’ve heard of Facebook, right? It’s sort of like real life but without the ‘real’ bit or the ‘life’ bit.

It’s also a massive multinational company with a turnover in the high billions, but it turns out that they only paid a total of £4,327 in corporation tax in the UK last year.

The smallness of this figure means that every single member of Facebook’s British staff individually pays more tax than the company as a whole.

And, of course, what makes it even worse is that Facebook acts as a major net drain on the economy (‘Net drain’! Ha ha! -Ed.) by encouraging the workforce to spend its days playing FarmVille and reading about ’10 Grapefruit Facts That Will Rock Your World’ instead of performing socially useful functions.

Still, £4,327, eh. That nearly pays 10% of the Prime Minister’s salary. Not to be sniffed at.

My old man said follow the Vanuatu

bad995a29fThe Pacific island of Vanuatu might be about to lose its status as the world’s happiest country, after a string of local politicians have been found guilty of corruption… with an unusual twist at the end of the story.

Vanuatu, which has about the same population as Derby, is an idyllic tourism destination with a national anthem written in a very sweet creole English: “God i helpem yumi evriwan”.

And God did indeed helpem 14 senior politicians, including the parliamentary speaker, who were proven to have taken bribes in a bid to overthrow the government.

God assisted the guilty by arranging for the President of Vanuatu to be abroad this week, and while the cat’s President’s away, the Acting President assumes all his powers, including the power of pardon.

And by a happy coincidence, Vanuatu’s parliamentary speaker holds the office of Acting President, so was able to pardon himself and his 13 co-conspirators. Isn’t that fortunate.

  • Next week: Tony Blair’s bid to become Prime Minister again, just briefly, to do one specific thing. But we’re not sure what.

The news in briefs

The Duchess of Rutland has begun a relationship with one of her estate staff. Phil Burtt was employed as the Duchess’ shoot manager. (And now she’s managing his shoots? -Ed.) (You’re fired. -Snr. Ed.)

A YouTube presenter in California has released a video of “What happens when you drop an iPhone into lava?”. It turns out that, when you drop an iPhone in lava, what happens is that the person who did it looks like a prat with considerably more money than sense.

Sevenoaks Council in Kent has banned  street names referring to the town’s industrial past – such as Gasworks Road and Coalpit Lane – on the grounds that they are “aesthetically unsuitable”. By contrast, Cllr Peter Fleming, leader of the council, is the very height of aesthetic suitability:

councillor peter fleming of sevenoaks fame


In tonight’s episode, Facebook proved that it dislikes Britain almost as much as David Cameron says Jeremy Corbyn does. Peter Fleming hates industrialists, and lava hates iPhones. Playmobil hates either slaves or the slave trade; it’s not quite clear. Musical accompaniment was provided by Stephen Willis. This was an Gabrielquotes production!

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