Anger at new passport design

Queen Victoria also features but nobody counted HER!
Why did nobody count Queen Vic?

The British public worked itself up into a bit of a fury last week at the government’s outrageously controversial decision to include women on the nation’s new passport design.

The redesign has caused a bit of a stir because, despite the theme being ‘famous Brits’, the Guardian pointed out that only two of those featured are women: mathematician Ada Lovelace and architect Elisabeth Scott.

This ‘only two women’ calculation isn’t entirely fair, as Ada Lovelace would no doubt be the first to agree, because:

  1. if the passport-holder happens to be a woman then she’ll have a picture of herself printed at the back;
  2. there’s a reference to Her Britannic Majesty on the inside front cover, and she’s a woman as any fule kno; and
  3. as Sir George Campbell has pointed out:
[tweet 661534694991884288 hide_media=’true’]

from the desk of sir georgeBut this isn’t Sir George’s only insight into the issue of women’s rights. Far from it. Here’s a wonderful and inspiring speech he made to the House of Commons in 1889 on the question of whether women should be allowed to become parish councillors:

[Disclaimer 1: he thought they shouldn’t.]

[Disclaimer 2: it might not be wonderful or inspiring but it is actually enormously entertaining.]


Poppies, poppies, poppies

david-cameron-poppy-photoshopThere’s a certain correlation between regimes which make extensive use of Photoshop and regimes which have a poor human rights record.

So David Cameron’s decision to Photoshop a remembrance day poppy onto his Twitter profile picture rather than go to all the extreme effort of finding one for sale anywhere in central London and actually wearing it, did not go down brilliantly.

Of course, North Korea’s photo-manipulation is done out of necessity – if someone’s dead or in a prison camp, what else can you do but fiddle the pictuers? – but only true liars go to the effort of lying when it’s wholly unnecessary.

Other projects in the Number 10 Photoshop Unit pipeline include:

  • Increasing the size of David Cameron’s pasty.
  • Editing a conscience onto Chris Grayling.
  • Making Theresa May appear somewhat human.
  • Airbrushing away the poor.
  • Erm…
  • That’s it.



surveillance-cameras-turning-uk-into-big-brother-state-video--d263534211The government has announced new measures in its attempt to thwart anti-freedom Jihadists who want to destroy all our Western civil liberties: the cunning plan is to destroy all our Western civil liberties ourselves.

Specifically, the Home Office will be given access to citizens’ private communications and web histories, subject to the rigorous scrutiny of “Commissioners” directly appointed by the Prime Minister.

Home Secretary Theresa May, who unveiled the plans, said: “Hi darling, running late today, pls stick the oven on and I’ll cook when I get home xx”

The Labour Party has strongly opposed the move. Jeremy Corbyn commented: “Jam will be ready by next weekend, strong message here so let’s eat it then! See you soon, J.”

A Libe Dem couldn’t be contacted found for comment.

Vice squad

'So last year': Professor Michael Farthing
‘So last year’: Professor Michael Farthing

Sussex Vice-Chancellor Michael Farthing having resigned just as the university was forced to pay £20,000 compensation and apologise in open court for libelling a student (but the timing of the resignation was pure coincidence), the search is on for Lord Sugar’s next apprentice:


Unlike The Apprentice, though, prospective candidates will not be put through a series of gruelling televised tasks. Instead, posh swanky recruitment firm Perrett Laver have been engaged to find a suitable ape person.

They’ll be holding a series of “open meetings” at which staff and students can express their views as to what qualities should be sought in a new Vice-Chancellor. But they’ve also invited contributions via email.

I’m not suggesting people mailbomb them with suggestions such as ‘respect for free speech’ and ‘knowledge of what constitutes a fair hearing’, but their email address is

A really useful engineering of the statistics

topham-hattTransport Focus – originally a consumer watchdog called ‘Passenger Focus’, now they’re more interested in looking out for rolling stock – has released a report accusing rail companies of misleading the public with their punctuality statistics.

They found that long-distance trains can be up to 10 minutes late before being officially counted as “late”, and services cancelled 10pm the night before, er, don’t count as ‘cancelled’.

Apparently commuters become 3% less satisfied every minute they’re left waiting for a train. Or 93% less satisfied in total.

What, we wonder, would Thomas make of it all?


Pavlov’s Corbyn

Jewish Chronicle ‘journalist’ Marcus Dysch engaged in a piece of sage, rational political analysis last week:

While Marcus wrestles with his conscience, I thought it would be helpful to look at some of those dog breeds which may  be of interest to a predominantly Jewish or Israeli audience:

  • Golde Retriever
  • The East German Shepherd
  • Yorkshire Terririst
  • Oberman Pinscher
  • Border Negotiation Collie
  • English Settler
  • Jewdle (Stop please. -Ed.)

Five of the best


In tonight’s episode, the Fat Controller was played by Sir Topham Hatt and Lord Sugar was played by Chris Brodie. Our civil liberties were guarded by Theresa May and our respect for our military heritage was guarded by David Cameron’s digital media team. Sir George Campbell had views on the new passport and Marcus Dysch showed his political nuance to be less sophisticated than that of a dog. This was an Gabrielquotes production!

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