Burglar Phil

In some ways, this has been a brilliant month for women’s rights, with the news that women have finally smashed through blown up the glass ceiling and are now eligible to become suicide bombers. And furthermore, they’re no longer patronised by being included in any way on the A-level Politics syllabus.

But this only made it doubly disappointing that there was a string of sexist incidents in the very heart of gender equality, the House of Commons.

It all started when well-known feminist Philip ‘Burglar Phil’ Davies MP noticed the disgusting discrimination of International Women’s Day. Why, he asked, is there a day for women to celebrate their quest for liberation, but no equivalent for men?

He therefore called a Parliamentary debate demanding the establishment of an International Men’s Day. Burglar Phil used the opportunity to rail against “militant feminists” and “politically correct males”. He referred to the outrageous unfairness of how female suicide rates are dropping but male suicide rates aren’t.

In particular, he was disgusted at how there are more men in prison than women. Phil is apparently of the view that, unless the numbers of men and women in prison are exactly literally equal, that’s sexist.

He reckons it’s time for positive discrimination. More women need to go to prison to redress the balance. Once perfect equilibrium has been achieved, every time an additional person is incarcerated, someone of the opposite gender (in his extensive ramblings on the subject, Burglar Phil never refers to more than two) needs to be jailed too, possibly drawn from some sort of rota so as to ensure that the system is fair.

Jesus…

50 shades of racism

The Republican Party seems a bit confused. This isn’t just its usual confusion between right and wrong, but a more fundamental confusion as to which shade of racist paint it should seek to recolour the White House: ‘hint of bigot’ or ‘fluorescent fascist’.

In the Fluorescent Fascist corner, step forward Ben Carson (pictured). Laying out his final solution to the Muslim problem in a speech in Alabama, he used this perfect illustration:

If there’s a rabid dog running around in your neighborhood, you’re probably not going to assume something good about that dog, and you’re probably going to put your children out of the way.

Put like that, I really can’t disagree with his plan to create a security register of Muslims. Unless, of course, there’s some sort of logical flaw in his analogy?

I spy

According to The Guardian:

Undercover officers trained to spot people carrying out terrorist reconnaissance are being covertly deployed to boost efforts to thwart an atrocity on British soil.

Now hang on a minute. Let’s unpack this.

People trained to spot, secretly, when other people are secretly watching out for things, are going secretly to watch out for people secretly watching out for things.

We’d better pray they only send one MI5 agent to each location or pairs of them will spend all day stalking each other.

The Blue Arrow

David Cameron has to cope with quite enough humiliation in his life already, thank-you very much, without having to endure the taunts of his colleagues from abroad about how he’s the only one who hasn’t spent vast quantities of taxpayers’ money on a dedicated aircraft.

So it came as no surprise to the exprienced toff-watcher when it was announced on Wednesday that, by Prime Ministerial decree, the UK is to acquire an official transport. Or, as Burglar Phil would put it:

I’m actually fine, in principle, with Cameron leaving on a jet ’plane. It’s the coming back with which I have more of a problem.

It’s also the £10m initial price tag. Although civil servants say that Cam Force One will cost less per flying hour than the RAF jets used at present, unlike those military ’planes, obviously a dedicated PMmobile won’t be used during the vast periods of time when it’s not, erm, in use.

Although the BBC was quick to point out:

Oh great! That will make the whole thing worthwhile if we can refuel the totally unnecessary flying Rolls Royce while it’s not in use, as opposed to treating it as a one-use disposable aeroplane to be thrown away as soon as it runs out of petrol.

Sounds like a plan Cam!

Pirate Party’s shadow chancellor unveils new Socialism with an iPatch policy

It’s tough at the top

The Telegraph is known for its hard-hitting journalism. From the story of the boy who hiccupped while singing the national anthem, to the dog that smiled for a photo, it never fails to provide food for thought.

But even against this backdrop, I actually wept when I read this article last week:

Boy, that makes you think. All that money spent on helping refugees when we have such deprivation as this on our very doorstep. I just wish there was something I could do for poor Adam and Megan Brownson.

Perhaps I’ll start a Kickstarter page for them:

Or maybe I’ll start a KickUpTheArse page instead, where members of the public get to bid for the opportunity to teach these people a bit about the concept of privilege (special bulk discount with the Philip Davies package deal).

Expresiones de gratitud

In tonight’s episode, the oppressed masses were played by Adam and Megan Brownson. The oppressed mass was played by Philip Davies MP. The EU was played by the Nazis, and David Cameron was played by Boeing. This was an Gabrielquotes production!