Sweet Twenty Sixteen

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Apparrent danger

baroness neville jones judy denchFormer security minister Baroness Neville-Jones (pictured right) has told commuters they should spend less time on their mobile ’phones and more time looking for terrorists.

This rather confusingly conflicts with the Home Secretary’s plea that people spend more time on their mobiles, keeping them full of as much personal data as possible.

Pauline Neville-Jones, who previously worked on the Bosnia peace project, said she was “alarmed” that people were unaware of their surroundings.

“I was on the District line the other day,” she told reporters, “wearing a gorilla costume and a Viking helmet and holding a giant poster of Norman Lamont, and did anyone give me a second glance? Not at all! And I could have been a terrorist.”

The UK terror threat level is currently at ‘severe’, following intelligence that some hostile Scandinavian primates may be planning to kidnap former Chancellors of the Exchequer.

This is a heart attack, this is a heart attack, this is HEART ATTACK!

Heart-AttackDon’t you just hate it when you go out for a nice meal, but then the atmosphere is ruined when someone near has a heart attack and needs urgent, but distracting, medical attention?

Ambience is replaced by ambulance.

That’s what a very angry person posted on Facebook, anyway, after she had a heartbreaking experience in Kilroy’s Diner, Indianapolis, when her meal was disrupted by some attention-seeking bastard needing life-saving treatment. She complained that she had difficulty being served, and that her meal was seriously delayed.

It must have been almost as saddening as when British tourists had to share their holiday paradise with starving refugees.

The poster of the rant about the hart attack has received some not altogether complimentary messages and taken down her Facebook profile. Good thing she didn’t say anything about the dirty knife…


Rendered speechless

Some ’planes like the ones he could of used
Some ’planes like the ones he could of used

In 2013, retired CIA boss Robert Seldon Lady was convicted by an Italian court of extraordinary rendition: having terror suspects abducted and illegally taken abroad for torture.

Lady never actually ended up in prison because the irony of Italy capturing him and flying him back to a jail in the homeland would have been too great. And anyway, last week his sentence – by which we mean the amount of time he won’t have to spend behind bars – was reduced from nine years to seven.

As part of the court proceedings, new testimony has emerged from some victims of rendition. In it, they tell of their experiences of being put into an aeroplane and not being sure of their return plans.

And it’s musical testimony:


Simon Danczuk text message scandal: latest


Prison ain’t all that bad

Prison: don’t go there

Inside Time is the magazine for prisoners, and a letter appeared in it last week complaining that prison shops charge far too much for tobacco.

This was distressing enough – I hate it when convicted criminals are forced to spend significant quantities of their own money on life-destroying drugs – but the writer then went on to complain about the prices of other prison goods, followed by the comment:

No wonder so many prisoners come out of prison and reoffend.

Erm… ‘Prison’s really over expensive and unaffordable, no wonder people released from it immediately try to get back in there.’ Yeah, makes perfect sense.

The best bit of the letter was this little dollop of chutzpah at the end though:

The canteen suppliers are nothing but criminals.



The Sign of BBC4

The acceptable face of the KKK
The acceptable face of the KKK

Sherlock producer Steven Moffat has confirmed that he will not yet be giving up on his dream of writing a 90-minute television script so convoluted that nobody can follow what the hell’s going on in it.

After his failure this Christmas – a number of fans just about deciphered what was going on in feminists’ dream The Abominable Bird – he has vowed to bring more time zones, split characters, resurrections, drug-fuelled dreams, mansplaining and anachronisms into future productions.


In tonight’s episode, the introduction to 2016 was run by every newspaper ever invented. Baroness Neville-Jones was played by Judi Dench, and Theresa May was played by Andrew Scott. Simon Danczuk was, he says, played by alcohol. The heart attack victim was bloody lucky to get treated at all given the state of public healthcare in America. This was an Gabrielquotes production!

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