Evolutionary throwback becomes primary school headteacher

6a00d8341ca86d53ef0133f1a5f4f5970b-800wiScientists were astounded last week as Christina Wilkinson, headteacher of an Anglican school in Lancashire, took to Twitter to opine that schools should teach creationism as there’s “more evidence that the Bible is true”.

Professor Nathan Ural-Selection, from the University of Snide, said: “Ms Wilkinson is plainly a remnant of a pre-modern human subspecies, long thought extinct, lacking in the intellectual and reasoning abilities which we contemporary homo sapiens take for granted.”

The headteacher, famed throughout south Lancashire for her cave paintings, use of rocks as a rudimentary form of currency and support for a joint Trump/ Palin ticket in the forthcoming US election, was unavailable for comment.

Clinton Cards

george campbell in americaAnother of the US election’s plethora of starting guns was fired last week, as Iowa caucused. Gabrielquotes appreciates that the electoral system can be very confusing to people outside America – and positively baffling to people inside America, as evidenced by the fact that some of them voted for Donald Trump, which can only be explained as a mistake.

To help us understand what’s really going on across the pond, we would like to welcome Sir George Campbell MP. He visited America once in 1878 so we’re extremely lucky to have him share his expertise with us:


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Schoolboy held in ‘arbitrary detention’, UN panel confirms

cutcornersA United Nations panel of human rights experts has ruled that Julian Assange, an 11-year-old pupil at St Ecuador’s Primary School in Knightsbridge, is being held in ‘unlawful detention’ by one of his teachers, a Mr Hogan-Howe.

The panel’s decision explained that, when Mr Hogan-Howe asked the boy to stay in after school, Julian said that he’d just walk out. But the teacher’s response – “If you walk out you’ll be in deep trouble” – was found to constitute “a severe and genuine threat to the rights of the child” which terrified Julian into remaining in the classroom and thereby rendered his detention ‘arbitrary’.

Young Julian, well-known for his playful, childlike habit of going round telling people what other people said about them behind their backs, is now gearing up to escape from St Ecuador’s.

In doing so, he will take his place in the pantheon of freedom fighters who have also had the courage to leave arbitrary detention, including Hannah, 34, from Hounslow (stuck in traffic at Chinese Garage Roundabout in Beckenham), Victor, 59, from Padstow (stuck at work when he’d really like to retire and focus on the garden) and Nick, 49, from Sheffield (stuck in political obscurity following an ignominious descent from power).

You’re booked

Romania had a law which says that prisoners can get their sentences shortened by 30 days for every book “of scientific interest” that they write.

All work and no play makes ∂zak a dull boy

All work and no play makes ∂zak a dull boy

Unfortunately – and this consequence was totally unpredictable, of course – white-collar criminals have been abusing the system and churning out dozens of books of dubious quality and originality.

For example, disgraced businessman Gheorghe Copos, jailed in 2014 for corrupting the Romanian national lottery, recently published a 212-page book entitled Matrimonial Alliances as a Policy of Romanian Kings in the XIV-XVIth Centuries which took him just under 8 hours to write.

Shame the prison authorities didn’t use TurnItIn plagiarism detection software

So the law’s just been suspended. But I see absolutely no reason why we shouldn’t have another round of Prison Library Book Club:

  • To Kill a Mocking Jailbird
  • A Dance to the Music of Doing Time
  • Jury to the Centre of the Earth
  • Dock Doolittle
  • The Tiger Who Pleaded Guilty
  • Lady Chatterly’s Guvnor
  • No Country for Old Bailey Men
  • Stolen Treasure Island (by Robber Louis Stevenson)
  • Mug and Mog
  • The Woman in Blackmail
  • Our Manslaughter in Havana
  • The Light-fingered Keeper’s Lunch
  • Erm…
  • That’s all this prison can afford in its library

Just one more prison item

Zimbabwe-FlagAndre Babbage is a Zimbabwean living in London, with a really quite impressive string of convictions for every crime from drug-running to assault. He has no right to remain in the UK, seems to view the law mainly as a gentle suggestion, and is, apparently, likely to continue offending if he stays here.

And Mr Justice Garnham has just ordered his release from prison because people can only be deported to Zimbabwe if they agree (which deportees tend not to).

I’m by no means a ‘human rights gone mad’ Daily Mail reader but when I read this story, I couldn’t help thinking it sounded like there was something a little askew. And I felt it even more after I heard Andre Babbage’s hit single, Be Out Soon:


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West Wall Story

It was bigotry that brought them together…

Jerusalem, until 2016, was a city divided. Torn apart by a bitter ethnic conflict that had lasted for generations. But a glimmer of hope ignited last week, as two of the different factions came together and stood side-by-side in unity.

What was it that brought about this remarkable coalition? A great danger that united all in common humanity? The love of a young couple? The plea of an innocent and frightened child?

Nay, it was more remarkable than that.

It was bigotry that brought them together.

Prayers_at_the_Western_Wall_2Yes, this is the news that the Israeli far right has finally found common ground with the Palestinians (I thought the entire conflict was about common ground? -Ed.) in their joint opposition to the introduction of egalitarian prayer at the Western Wall in East Jerusalem.

The Palestinians are unhappy because it’s ‘a change to the status quo’, ie. moving a wooden fence a few feet to the left.

The Israeli far right is unhappy because it’s ‘a change to the status quo’, ie. recognising women as human beings just as entitled to pray to God as are normal people).

We’ve yet to see whether this newfound oneness of mind will extend to anything other than gross intolerance and schadenfreude. Who knows. It might even encompass peace one of these days.

Police Academy

The boys in blue

The boys in blue

“What fresh hell is this?” I asked myself when I read of the Home Secretary’s plans to give Police and Crime Commissioners the power to open their own primary schools.

It was bad enough when she vowed to let them take control of fire services, but the idea of these clowns running schools – with the exception of Sussex’s Katy Bourne, whose experience as a dance teacher actually makes her better suited to that than to administering a police force – kind of chills the blood.

A prototype is about to open in Northamptonshire, where Conservative PCC Adam Simmonds was delighted to find an “independent trust” planning to open a school on the site of the police force’s former HQ (following his decision to move location).

Wootton Park School will apparently have:

a crime-centred curriculum

So qualified teachers of safe-cracking, counterfeiting, bomb-making and people-trafficking should watch out for jobs.

But what a fortuitous coincidence that a wholly impartial group of public-spirited citizens (and also Conservative Party activists, as it happens) are independently pursuing Simmonds’ vision.

Of course, a pedant might look at emails released under the Freedom of Information Act which show that Adam’s assistant PCC, Kathryn Buckles, nominated the ‘independent’ trustees as part of her job.

Police commissioner Adam Simmonds and Kathryn Buckle

But of course, as a member of staff rather than a political appointee, Kathryn Buckles (pictured left with her boss) was selected on merit so is not just a crony of Adam Simmonds. Oh no wait, that’s what would have been the case if he were following the law, whereas in fact he employed Buckles – his election agent and, in his words, “best friend” – following a rigorous interview process which, fortuitously, happened to conclude that she was the ideal candidate for the job.

So in fact, even though PCCs don’t yet have the power to open free schools, Adam Simmonds is vicariously setting one up, themed on Police Academy, by appointing his “best friend” to a post which the law says must be filled on merit, and having her nominate Tory pals to sit on the ‘independent’ trust taking advantage of a large area of land left vacant by a decision he, Adam Simmonds, took.

Nothing like setting children an example of ethics and propriety, is there.

අනුමත කර

Well, as the primordial ape of fate evolves into the early human of eternity, and the archbishop of time denies all knowledge to the court of destiny, we see that it’s the end of the blog post.
In tonight’s episode, the erudite academic work was ghostwritten for Gheorghe Copos. The Israeli-Arab conflict was solved by bigotry, and Christina Wilkinson was created on the sixth day. Julian Assange was seriously wronged by police investigating an allegation of sexual assault, and Katy Bourne could perhaps finally have found her niche. This was an Gabrielquotes production!

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