The best laid plans

AN APOLOGY

In the past, this blog may have given the impression that its authors considered London transport bosses’ excuses for delays to be poor, unconvincing and made-up. Headlines such as, “South West Train w*nkers cock it up again,” and, “How is ‘due to a lack of a driver’ not your fault you t*sspot?” may have furthered this impression.

We would now like to take this opportunity to apologise. Following news that Brussels transport bosses recently attempted to justify their failure to carry out new traffic-beating plans by explaning (literally) that the relevant documents disappeared because mice ate them, we can no longer in good conscience find fault with South West Trains or TfL.

Hungry little bugger innit

Hungry little bugger innit

Robert Burns wrote the immortal words, “The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry,” but might he not better have written, “The best laid transport plans of mice and men often get eaten conveniently before embarassing parliamentary hearings”?

The Belgian transport authority’s pitiful attempt at exculpation really rivals the classic schoolboy “the dog ate my homework” – but it might actually be true in this case. Careful research by Gabrielquotes has uncovered a previous case where a rodent infestation caused problems in a capital city in the Low Countries.

Hit the music…


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A right Royal rail

her-majesty-the-queen-visits-the-under-construction-crossrail-station-at-bond-street_227845-e1456256436648Finally she’s getting the recognition she deserves. After 90 years of snubs, obscurity and generally being overlooked, Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of Great Britain, Ireland and the British Dominions and of Her other Realms and Territories beyond the Seas Queen, Defender of the Faith, has had something named after her.

London’s newest rail route will shed the title Crossrail when it opens in 2086, and instead be proudly known as the Elizabeth Line. Enormously excited by the announcement, Her Maj is said to be particularly pleased at how the new line “connects central London to parts of Essex”.

The massive project has seen ten new stations being built across the capital, all of them certified as safe – in the Queen’s honour – by gas engineers registered by her very own CORGIs. That said, a Texan woman called Ms Elizabeth Line is less impressed with the announcement.

This is not the first time that the Royal family has engaged with the Tube network. In 2013, Prince Charles and Camilla travelled one stop on the Circle Line, amidst great media interest, later donating their special ceremonial OysterCards to Royal Collection.

And, of course, Queen Victoria was named after a Tube station in the Belgrave Square area of London.

The P is for Apartheid and the A is for Alright

b820Yup, it’s Israel Apartheid Week, the 7-day period when anti-Israel forces do, er, exactly the same sort of thing they do the rest of the year, but this time with the active support and co-operation of pro-Israel forces who do their best to lend as much publicity, credibility and traction to the lunacy as they can.

Matthew Gould, former British ambassador in Tel Aviv, once told me his office had analysed global media reporting of Israel Apartheid Week. They found that 80% of the coverage came from Jewish and Israeli newspapers. This year the Mayor of Efrat did his best to dispel his public image as a pantomime villain by comparing 21st century London to the dawn of Nazi Germany.

So if, in a slightly odd application of the Pareto principle, the Jewish press would just shut up about the pathetic stunts of so-called campaigners who think that the height of effective global activism is putting hoax adverts on the Hammersmith & City Line, the IAW farce would be cut down to less than 20% of its current level of exposure and in all probability fizzle out within a couple of years.

Readers who enjoyed this piece of Nazi appeasement by Gaby Weby might also enjoy this incisive comment by Gaby Weby on a similar topic.

Is the Pope Catholic?

The Pope's pretty cross

The Pope’s pretty cross

Yes. But is Donald Trump a Christian? Not so clear. Pope Francis’ comments about the American presidential candidate have prompted research into other maniacal racists, and the revelation that even Bahsar al-Assad, Gerald Kaufman and Binyamin Netanyahu were not Christians!

Following the Pope’s endorsement of the anti-Republican and anti-racist causes, the Church will henceforth be reconsidering the propriety of some entries in its hymn-book:

  • Lord, the light of your border searchlight is shining
  • Love divine, all love expelling
  • I danced on a Friday when the world turned black (bitter though I was)
  • We cannot measure how You heal but we’re pretty sure it’s not Obamacare
  • Make me a channel wall of Your peace
  • Till we have built Jerusalem in East Jerusalem

EUmageddon

rect2999That’s what welfare secretary Iain Duncan Smith has said, specifically saying that a ‘stay’ vote would “make a Paris-style attack more likely”.

We're also at risk of a Paris-style café

We’re also at risk of a Paris-style café

This is due to the fact that EU membership is conditional on free movement of terrorism trends.

IDS is joining a ‘leave’ campaign headed by such civilised, mainstream luminaries as Michael Gove, Nigel Farage and George Galloway (the latter two under a joint brand of ‘Garage’). It’s hard to think of any more discreditable people – or any more scare-mongering arguments – that could be deployed, with the possible exception of Jack the Ripper.

That said, the ‘stay’ campaign is hardly mainstream either. Leading light Will Straw (son of Jack ‘The Demon Headmaster’ Straw) used the following argument to illustrate how food prices in non-EU states are prohibitively high:

Have you tried to buy French cheese in Norway?

Tragic.

from the desk of sir georgeBut the big question on everyone’s lips – frankly, the whole excitement over Boris Johnson was just a sideshow by comparison – is, “Where does Sir George stand?”

We at Gabrielquotesville are vastly excited that he has agreed to out himself (Nice little joke there. -Ed.) exclusively on our blog.

So without further ado, allow us to welcome Sir George Campbell MP to the stage:


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More European city hall drahmahz

screenlock[1]The mayor of the wonderfully-named German town of Quickborn was not even slightly embarrassed last week when he accidentally posted a screenshot on Twitter which inadvertantly showed – in his other browser tabs – sado-masochistic pornography.

He lambasted the newspaper which reported the gaffe for printing “one part truth, one part supposition, and something wrong” (though without troubling to distinguish which parts of their report fitted into which category), and told journalists “he was only looking at the pornography in the spirit of open-minded research, after hearing two men discussing such material while waiting for a ski lift in South Tyrol, where he is currently on holiday”.

It could happen to anyone.

He went on:

I wasn’t so up-to-date about it, which annoys me. They were mentioning the site ‘Xhamster’, and when I got to my room I wanted to get clued-up.

See also: ‘I wasn’t really looking up bomb-making instructions, I just heard someone in a ski lift talking about this website called Jihadi Training Camp Reunited and wanted to get the lowdown.’

An important update from the House of Commons Public Education Branch

Following yesterday’s Prime Minister’s Question Time, in which David Cameron said that the Leader of the Opposition should “put on a proper suit and do up his tie”, we have revised our pamphlet List of differences between Parliament and the dining hall of a public school and a copy of the new edition is below:

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We hope it proves instructive.

Mau hoomaikai ana

Well, as the mouse of fate nibbles the blueprint of eternity, and the Belgian town planner of time opens up the trap of destiny, we see that it’s the end of the blog post.
In tonight’s episode, racial discrimination was perpetrated by Donald Trump and countered by His Holiness the Primate. Israel Apartheid Week was ably supported by the Jewish Chronicle and the Mayor of Quick Porn was Thomas Köppl. The EU was left by Boris Johnson and Chris Grayling. The Elizabeth Line was named after Elizabeth Taylor. This was an Gabrielquotes production!

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