Bed and Brexit

EXCLUSIVE TO ALL BLOGS: Boris Johnson ‘can threaten British sovereignty just as much as EU membership’ claims Leave campaign

In a surprise move, the Leave campaign has spoken out to claim that London mayor Boris Johnson can undermine national sovereignty just as much as would continued membership of the European Union.

Stupid hairy thing standing next to a red monster
Stupid hairy thing standing next to a red monster

“Boris’ utter hypocrisy and unprincipled stance is guaranteed to subvert the democratic rights of the British population for generations to come,” said their statement, which will reassure voters that a Leave vote will not risk suddenly renewing their control over their own destinies.

“First he said that the British Chamber of Commerce shouldn’t have suspended its Director for not following their official line on neutrality,” quoth a spokesperson, “then he threatened to discipline his own staff for not following his official line. Clearly Boris is the only politician still out there with the guts to be two-faced and undemocratic, and for that he deserves a mandate from the British people.”

The debate continues… for the next 100+ days, on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and o (Move on. And on. Now. -Ed.)

So then it’s time for the song… Click on the circle below to hear.


Calamity Kev

The esteemed Police & Crime Commissioner for Surrey may have blocked me on Twitter and called this blog “obsessive” (though I think he meant “committed to democratic scrutiny of elected politicians”) but his campaign Facebook page is in full swing, preparing for what he fondly supposes to be his inevitable re-election in May.

Unenchanted voters who post to criticise his record are met with abuse from the PCC such as: “George, you are such a dullard. It is clear you have no idea about politics,” and, “Now go and see mummy for your Ovaltine.” Mature stuff.

Thug life
Thug life

Kevin Hurley has taken to using pictures from his days as a military police commander in Iraq to reassure residents that he is well capable of dealing with such deadly threats as a bunch of mildly rowdy skateboarders in Godalming.

Because, let’s face it, any Surrey resident is much more likely to vote for someone if they’re able to see a photo of them looking smug and leaning on a jeep.

Just to reassure us that this election really is a constabulary version of The Apprentice, he’s come up with his own stupid slogan:

I’m remorseless: that’s why over the years so many criminals have loathed me.

I bet he can taste success in his spit. He also appears to have a but limited understanding of the democratic process, as evidenced by:

If you come onto this election page and have a go then you are in the way of me making Surrey safer.

But Hurley is also preparing himself for the possibility of being booted. He replied to one Facebook critic to say:

This job is considerably more challenging than most people think. Not helped by people negatively carping at me every day. They of course make me sick. If I lose you can pat yourself on the back. My problem is solved and I won’t have to waste anymore of my precious time with people continually criticising.

Aww diddums. Did the poor elected politician with £70k salary have to deal with the stress of a local resident disagreeing with them?

He also promised to be a “zero-tolerance copper”, perhaps forgetting that Police Commissioners are not supposed to be coppers at all.

But it’s fortunate that he has confirmed his zero tolerance for lawbreaking. Especially fortunate because one might have got the opposite impression from his recent press statement that Conservative local councillor David Munro’s speeding offence should be overlooked because “none of us are perfect”.

But no doubt he really does have zero tolerance of crimes perpetrated by people who aren’t white, male, right-wing and eerily similar-looking to himself.

PC gone mad; MA gone

An architectural mistresspiece
An architectural mistresspiece

Following the American version of the Rhodes Must Fall campaign, Harvard University has decided to erase the word ‘Master’ from its academic titles – not because of its gender connotations, but because it has overtones of slavery.

They’re also considering removal of the word ‘Bachelor’ because it has overtones of soup.

Readers who enjoyed this satire on excessive political correctness may enjoy this article on excessive political correctness.

Breaking legs news

Man at serious risk of being killed by hitman killed by hitman

PAY-John-Goldfinger-PalmerCommentators were astonished Thursday lunchtime as criminal boss John ‘Goldfinger’ Palmer, who had for years lived in fear of assassination, was gunned down by a contract killer.

Palmer, who rose to fame for his part in the 1983 Brinks Mat gold robbery, had literally hundreds of enemies and routinely wore body armour when in public.

Iain Duncan Smith was quick to blame the incident on the EU. “I’ve always said we’re less safe in Europe, ” he commented, “and this just proves it. Committed, hardworking entrepreneurs such as Mr Palmer can’t walk the streets without fear of being ruthlessly assassinated.”

The gore continues.

In other ‘completely predictable’ news:

Maria Sharapcareerova

Russian tennis person cannabisMaria Sharapova has been causing a bit of a racket this week by failing a drug test. Now suspended, Sharapova admitted having taken meldonium, which sounds like some fictional rocket fuel used in one of the less impressive Bond films.

However, despite her confession, the Russian Tennis Federation has described the result of the drug test as “nonsense” and insisted that she will be playing for them in the Olympics this summer. The federation’s president, Shamil Tarpishchev, was cagey about exactly how he was going to make this happen, although when pressed he offered journalists some freshly-prepared tea and sushi.

Sharapova will appear in front of a disciplinary tribunal presently. The ball’s in their c (You’re heading for an unforced dismissal. -Ed.)

The way the cookie crumbles

compressed_bourbon-biscuit-homemadeAs if life in 21st century Britain isn’t bad and oppressive enough, there’s a biscuit shortage. Floods in Cumbria damaged a number of vital factories (although curiously enough, the plant manufacturing Carr’s Water Biscuits was unaffected).

This has, in turn, led to the market becoming flooded (Nice little joke there. -Ed.) with bloody foreign biscuits flying in from Abroad.

Here are those imports in full:


We think that this really takes the b (Don’t overdo it. -Ed.)

Keep it on the Page

5760Richard Page (pictured) was a magistrate who sat in family court proceedings in Kent, until he was struck off by the government for his homophobic views.

Page is, apparently, of the view that same-sex couples shouldn’t really be adopting children, and decided that his view on the topic should take priority over that of, er, Parliament. Because he was determined to apply the law as he believed it should be, rather than as it actually was, he was removed from office. Seems reasonable, right?

Wrong. He’s now suing the Lord Chancellor, Michael Gove, and I’m in a bit of a quandary about who I have less sympathy for.

It’s far from the first time that a magistrate has been stripped of their title for abuse of power. Sir George Campbell MP drew attention to one instance in 1887. But what are his views on homosexuality?


(The remainder of this blog post has been withdrawn pending legal and spiritual advice. -GW)


Well, as the voter of time criticises the Police Commissioner candidate of destiny, and the Lord Chancellor of fate disciplines the bigoted magistrate of eternity, it seems to be the end of the blog post.
In tonight’s episode, the petulant PCC was played by Kevin Hurley, and the petulant mayor by Boris Johnson. Harvard University gave in to political correctness and Queen Victoria felt aggrieved. The gangland boss was played by John Palmer. Musical accompaniment was provided by Stephen Willis and homophobia was provided by Richard Page. This was an Gabrielquotes production!


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