Give us a Chuckle

Actor and moustachioed childhood icon Barry Chuckle shared a Facebook post by Islamophobic far-right party Britain First.

Screen Shot 2016-03-23 at 11.50.23How disappointing. Barry (pictured right) along with his domineering brother Paul, has starred in ChuckleVision, one of the best comedy shows of all time, for decades – not that he had much choice, with a surname like ‘Chuckle’ – so the revelation that he harbours racist sympathies came as a bit of a shock.

No doubt it also came as a shock to Paul. Fortunately, Gabrielquotes was able to obtain a secret audio recording of their conversation when the news came out:


Meanwhile, following the tragic terrorist attack in Brussels, the world seems to have really got its knife out for Muslims, which is ironic really.

An unfortunate typo by a chugger for an anti-malaria charity
An unfortunate typo by a chugger for an anti-malaria charity

The hashtag #StopIslam trended on Twitter for hours that afternoon. As soon as I saw it enter the top ten, I thought to myself, “Right, that’s it. Islam’s buggered.”

And so it’s proven, because now, a week on, that major global religion has all but disappeared, forced into submission by a wave of hostile tweets.

Oh no, wait, that’s not happened at all, because all the people using #StopIslam were not only racist but also lacked any sense of strategy or tactics. And I don’t know whether that offends me more than the racism.

Particularly excellent was the tweet from one Matthew P Doyle of south London which read:

I confronted a Muslim woman yesterday in Croydon. I asked her to explain Brussels. She said, “Nothing to do with me.” A mealy mouthed reply.

This spawned a range of responses, including – at the less witty end of the spectrum – an arrest warrant from the Metropolitan Police, and – at the more witty end of the spectrum:



The trial (hopefully) continues.

In praise of Theresa May

Headnote: Kevin Hurley has behaved improperly as Surrey’s PCC, is not fit to hold office and should not be re-elected.

Kevin Hurley, Surrey’s exalted Police and Crime Commissioner (Gabrielquotes passim.) has a problem with Theresa May. Ordinarily, I’d be on his side, but this is one of those rare occasions when I have to support her.

'One nil': Home Secretary Theresa May
‘One nil’: Home Secretary Theresa May

What happened is: the Home Secretary made a speech about the Police and Crime Commissioner experiment, in which she remarked that some PCCs gave the system a bad name. She gave several examples from across the country. Kevin Hurley was one, which is unsurprising given that he gives a bad name to anything he gets involved in (I mean, just look at Iraq).

Kevin Hurley wasn’t happy. He wrote a furious green-ink letter to Theresa May – and proudly published it on his website – as follows:

To allege that […] I have given PCCs a bad name is totally untrue and grossly defamatory […] As a consequence of the very grave allegations made […] it is essential that you now publish a full and unqualified apology to me, in terms to be agreed, without delay.

In complaining of ‘defamation’, Hurley is apparently ignorant of

  • the difference between fact and opinion;
  • the right to freedom of expression, especially at election time; and
  • the fact that elected public bodies (including PCCs) cannot sue for libel because of the position they hold in a democratic society – the so-called Derbyshire principle.

Theresa May, fortunately, is aware of all three (Not that you’d know it if you read her legislation. -Ed.) and wrote back with a response along the lines of, “Get stuffed.”

The mean streets of Surrey
The mean streets of Surrey

Hurley was dissatisfied, and replied:

Unfortunately, your letter fails to address the very specific request made for a full and unqualified apology for the defamatory allegations made against me […] I repeat my request for a full and unqualified apology in terms to be agreed. […] You must now make amends without further ado for the harm you have caused […] Your reference to me in your speech was not a comment but an allegation, the natural and ordinary meaning of which was that I had behaved improperly […] and was unfit to be a PCC and, by inference, should not be re-elected.

Obviously, to suggest that a politician has behaved improperly and should not be re-elected is outrageous in a modern democracy, so it is not difficult to sympathise with Kevin Hurley’s threat to go to law.

Theresa May’s response, though, was short and to the point:

I have nothing further to add.

A mealy mouthed reply.

Unfortunately for Theresa ‘nothing to add’ May, though, Kevin did have something to add. Even though literally nothing had changed since his previous raving missive, he found two pages’ worth of fresh material to send to her.

She ignored them.

Closing summary: Kevin Hurley has behaved improperly as Surrey’s PCC, is not fit to hold office and should not be re-elected. See you in court.

The news in briefs

The whole of Britain is to be converted into an academy, the Secretary of State for Education has confirmed. Nicky Mogan hailed the new policy as “finally freeing the country from the shackles of control by the electorate”.

Cambridge University celebrated its historic win on Sunday by renaming the competition ‘Boaty McBoatRace’.

The Brexit campaign has been criticised for employing EU migrants in its call centres, however these claims were strenuously denied by spokesperson Manuel Jules-François Olejniczak.

Tony Blair has called for the West to deploy ground troops against Isis, hinting that he may be willing to offer his expertise in this regard.


Gabrielquotes would like to stress that Jeremy Corbyn denies that the ‘enemies list’ allegedly leaked to the media is authentic. In a press statement, his office said: “A genuine list of Jeremy Corbyn’s enemies would be considerably longer and have striking similarities to a full list of all MPs.”

A mealy mouthe (Oh get on with it. -Ed.)

No photos please we’re British


David Cameron advised British holidaymakers to support the economy by having a ‘staycation’ (Never darken my dictionary again. -Ed.) within the British Isles, so it’s no surprise that he has chosen to take his Easter holiday in Lanzarote.

Slightly more surprising is the instruction Downing Street issued to the press, prohibiting them from taking photos of him while he’s abroad. The notice particularly asked journalists to respect the privacy of David Cameron’s children and pig.

After all – he clearly needs a break from all his crusading work for social justice wot he said he does.

In praise of Haman (rather than Theresa May)

Phwoar (Shurely ‘Booooo’? -Ed.)
An Israeli politician has taken the occasion of Purim to compare Progressive Jews such as my good self to seasonal villain Haman (pictured right).

As insults go, it’s kind of sweet. We’ve been called mentally ill and accused of causing the Holocaust. On that scale, being compared to a tricorn-wearing Disney villain ranks, practically, as a generous tribute: see also


text3028Also, just for Yigal Guetta MK’s future information – because he’s a keen reader of this blog, no doubt – the Talmud tells us that Haman’s descendants studied Torah at a yeshiva. If my Progressive Jewish descendants follow in their footsteps, so much the better 🙂


Well, as the Chuckle Brother of time throws the custard pie of eternity, and the terrorist of hate inspires the hashtag of destiny, it seems to be the end of the blog post.
In tonight’s episode, the Chuckle Brothers were played by Paul and Barry Elliot, with additional material supplied by Jimmy Patton and Dave Cooke. Corbyn’s ‘enemies list’ included some Jewish names, though Godfrey Blum chose not to mention that Sadiq Khan was also featured. Mealy mouthed soundbites were provided by Matthew P Doyle. This was an Gabrielquotes production!

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