Emergency Exodus: Pesach 5776

What are the things we need for our seder table
What are the things we need for our seder table?

It’s that time again! Shankbones all round; horseradish on the table; Sainsburys advising customers that matzah is “just flying off the shelves, they’re going mad for it for some reason!”; and somewhat disappointingly another year has gone by and we’re still not in Jerusalem.

It’s been a helluva 12 months waiting for Pesach to roll round again. The economy remains unrisen. Police sniffer dogs at Manchester Airport have been sniffing out cheese and sausages but have already stopped looking for chametz. And the number of people just across the sea waiting for the waves to part has reached distressingly ridiculous proportions.

But still, it’s here now, so sit back, grab a glass of Palwin and prepare for this year’s bulletin of Pesach news from the Biblical Broadcasting Corporation:


Electoral Commission designates official campaigners

The board of directors of Vote.Leave.EU
The board of directors of Vote.Leave.EU

Election bosses have designated Vote Leave as the official lead campaigner for the EU referendum.

Vote Leave successfully fought off rival bids from Grassroots Out, the Judean People’s Front, the People’s Front of Judea, the Judean Popular People’s Front, and Mossack Fonesca.

The Electoral Commission decided between the applicants keen to run the Leave campaign by scoring them out of five in a series of areas such as “skills of key staff”, “engagement with other campaigners” and – somewhat bafflingly – “representation of a range of views”.

Other editions of Top Trumps are also available.

Famous person does stupid thing

A famous person has done a stupid thing, according to reports from an unidentified newspaper from an unidentified country at an unspecified point before now.

_82296842_82255500Said famous person, following their threesome (pictured left), then went to court in an attempt to stop people from finding out the thing that he’d done, yet strangely enough, and wholly unpredictably, it backfired and now everybody in the world knows.

The Court of Appeal has now suspended the injunction, because, in the words of Lord Justice Candle, “it’s now totally bloody useless”.

Less fictionally, the Court held:

There is a limit to how far the courts can protect individuals against the consequences of their own threesomes actions.

'Celebrity threesome': entertainer denies all involvement
‘Celebrity threesome’: entertainer denies all involvement

When lawyers for the unidentified entertainer were asked how the information could possibly be private when the entire internet was spouting it at every opportunity, they conceded that all the people “who are interested in such matters” will now know the whole story – but asked, what about:

…someone going into a newsagent’s shop to buy the ‘Financial Times’, and catching sight of front page headlines in other newspapers?

Gosh, yes, I’d not thought of that! Clearly the entire judicial system should bend over backwards to prevent Financial Times readers from being inadvertently exposed to the existence of threesomes.

  • Next week: judges consider Goldilocks’ claim for breach of privacy in re. her threesome with (That’s quite enough. -Ed.)


This week’s Missing update: Malia Bouattia’s context

malia-nus-anti-semiteMalia Bouattia (pictured right) was elected President of the National Union of Students despite very significant concerns that she is a raging anti-Semite.

Evidence includes her description of the British media as “Zionist-led”, her description of terrorist attacks against Israeli Jewish civilians as resistance” and her complaints about Birmingham University having “one of the largest JSocs in the country”.

But it turns out that, actually, none of these remarks betray Malia as an anti-Semite, because they were all:

Taken out of context.

We are therefore starting an urgent appeal for readers to help uncover the context which makes it acceptable to support the murder of innocent civilians and portray large Jewish communities as a problem.

Anyone with information on the whereabouts of Malia’s context should call the Missing Contexts Helpline on 0808 570687.

The lesser spotted candidate

UKIP activist and Parliamentiary candidate Jack Neill has been caught with his trousers down (Like John Whittingdale? -Ed.) after posting a photo of himself to Facebook, holding a Union Flag, wearing a clown’s nose… and blacked up:

jack jardine ukipHis aide told journalists that this wasn’t actually as big a racism scandal as one might think: it turns out that the photo was “a joke” (so that’s alright then), and, in addition, and also in slightly odd contradiction to the ‘joke’ excuse:

Mr Neill suffers from acne frequently and as a result often wears facial masks to treat his skin.

This spirited defence clearly failed to convince the UKIP party machinery, who treat racist behaviour by members extremely gravely. An official spokesman confirmed that stern disciplinary action would be taken against him:

We’ll slap his wrist for being a berk.

Personally, I think it’s unacceptable for UKIP to have such a relaxed attitude towards racism by its members; in doing so, it’s treading on Labour’s toes, apparently.

The only folorn hope from the whole situation is that, if the country votes for Brexit in June and UKIP basically take over, his impression of a Foreigner will be so convincing to their jaundiced eyes that they’ll issue him a Deportation Order and Send Him Back to The Dark Continent.

Diamond geezer

QueenMarysCrownThe Indian Supreme Court heard a case this week in which it was argued that India should retain ownership of the Koh-i-Noor diamond, which currently resides in a crown (pictured right) in the Tower of London.

David Cameron has previously ruled out returning the stone to India, telling reporters:

If you say yes to one you suddenly find the British Museum would be empty.

Though perhaps he might not accept the same argument from the Hatton Garden safe deposit robbers if they asked to be allowed to “keep the stuff”..

Thomas & Incompetence

signal_prefixI arrived at the station to go to work the other morning, and an electronic display board announced significant delays due to “signal failures”.

My first reaction was: why don’t they just replace it with a printed ‘significant delays’ sign permanently fixed to the outside of the building, which would at least save on the electricity costs associated with the display screen.

But my second reaction was to wonder what a signal failure actually is. We hear it quite often as an excuse but nobody really understands anything about it. Everyone understands what ‘waiting for a train crew at Woking’ means (ie. abejct incompetence on the part of South West Trains). Everyone understands what ‘leaves on the line’ means (ie. abject incompetence on the part of South West Trains).

But nobody really has a clue what a signal failure involves. Does it just mean a total outage, or could it be something much wackier:


Nuts’ corner


Nuts’ corner (II)

kevin hurley mosqueWe review recent tweets by or featuring Surrey’s magnificent PCC, Kevin Hurley:

  • Hurley: “You silly girl” – inclusive, classy, practically simmering with equality and diversity: 8/10
  • Hurley“I’ve smelt the blood of victims” – stark, gritty realism: 8.5/10
  • Hurley: “If you were a conspiracy theorist you could say that there is a lot of effort and money being put into trying to stop me being your PCC again” – answer shows clear understanding of the democratic process: 9/10
  • Hurley’s Deputy PCC, Jeffrey Harris“Bet you didn’t know that Kevin is supporting Felbridge Bowls Club!” – exciting, dynamic, almost arousing: 9/10
  • The “ABOUT” page of Jeffrey Harris’ blog“This is an example of a page” – post-modern, avant-garde: 7.5/10
  • Hurley“If I win, I will be feeding my opponents Marmite with a shovel” – meaningless and yet somehow at the same time clichéd: 5/10


We have come to the end of our blog post. We’ve mocked the powerful, bolstered the underdog and done the parodies. Let us pray that next year’s Gabrielquotes Pesach Special will be in a world redeemed.

Pesach sameach!



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