Talkin’ ’bout a referendum

1412056274974_wps_62_Flag_of_the_European_Unio[1]It’s referendum day. But while there are reasons to dread whatever will happen this evening (when the results of the Brexit polls are announced), at least we know that, either way, from 24 June onwards there’s a slim, outside chance that we might get through a news bulletin without having to listen to any more drivel about the bloody EU!

The whole thing has been so annoying, I’d almost be willing to compromise. Perhaps, for instance, we could come to a deal whereby Britain is a member of the EU for most of the year, but is entitled to 20 days (plus public holidays) of leave. Or even we could promise to be EU members for no more than 48 hours a week.

If you’ve not voted yet and want to read about why Jewish values militate in favour of a Remain vote then click here ASAP.

From one sceptered isle to another

Do you seriously want your country to become like THIS?
Do you seriously want your country to become like THIS?

French finance Emmanuel Macron (his surname is an abbreviation for ‘macroeconomics’ I think) has stuck his oar in with the intriguing suggestion that:

Leaving the EU would make Britain like Guernsey.

So it would result in crime falling, tax falling, high employment rates, a booming financial sector, the strength of character to resist fascist occupation, and two loving children called Alderney and Sark?

Do you know, I think Mr Macron might have won me over to Brexit.

Lol jk.

Thanks Macron.

Direct democracy

testimonials[1]A somewhat last-minute petition has been launched on Parliament’s website calling for the referendum to be cancelled and Britain to remain in the EU by default. At time of writing, 42,000 people have signed it (or maybe its initiator, Christopher McGinty, has 42,000 email addresses and a lot of energy).

The rules say that once a petition receives 10,000 signatures it receives a written response from the government saying, “No,” and once it reaches the 100k level a minister will make a speech in the House of Commons saying, “No.”

All petitions have six months to gather support, so by December we should know for certain whether or not the referendum will be cancelled.

Interestingly the rules also forbid any petition which is “extreme in its views” (because it’s not as if Parliament is there to consider radical changes to society or anything). Examples of petitions which have been rejected by the authorities include:

  • “Let students watch the England v Wales football match”
  • “Urgent inquest into why Harry Kane is taking corners for England (something that would boost moral [sic] for the whole of the UK)”
  • “Change the Facebook emojis back into the original ones”
  • “Provide elderly residents of care homes with access to Mario Kart game consoles”
  • “Make Southern Rail trains free to all members of the public”
  • “Have a Bring Your Dog to Work Day”
  • “Help Tara get a dog”

And back to the referendum…

  • “The Conservative Party should be split into two parties, pro- and anti-EU”
  • “Give Nigel Farage a knighthood”

Thanks, citizens.

Football’s coming home

Andy Murray in action against Ivan DodigDavid Beckham (pictured) stepped up to the crease on Tuesday with the revelation that we should remain in the EU.

He told journalists that, although he had played with a lot of “great British players like Ryan Giggs, Paul Scholes, Nicky Butt and the Neville brothers, they had been a better team because of a Danish goalkeeper, Peter Schmeichel”.

So that’s that settled then.

His contribution came as a great boon to the Remain campaign, which has spent the last few weeks insisting that we should pay more attention to the words of experts than those of ignorant populist demagogues with no knowledge of economic and social integration policy.

But as so often, Beckham faced some competition. Boris Johnson was not prepared to surrender this vitally important high ground so easily, and hastily reminded the public that “the Brexit side, too, had backing from former England stars”.

So hopefully today, people will be out voting in droves based on, er, what footballers they support most.

Thanks David.

How politics works

Crosby_3517285bSir Lynton Crosby of Patronage-down-Under (pictured) has taken to The Telegraph to share his unique insights into the referendum, in the process coining the highly unpleasant phrase “soft Remainers”.

He’s made the following radical claim:

As I pointed out in my original column, the side that is most effective in motivating their voters to turn out on the 23rd will be the side that emerges victorious.

NO WAY. I had no idea that the political views of the people who vote affects the outcome – I’d thought it was a largely random process with little popular input.

Thanks Lynton.

Watching DC


…But Gabrielquotes asks: how come the words “deep sh*t” were omitted from this mug?

Cameron also told reporters: “You can’t jump out of the aeroplane then climb back in through the cockpit hatch.” Seems clear to me.

Thanks, Prime Minister.

Nobody’s business but the Turks

640px-Turkey_flag[1]I bet Turkey never thought it would end up playing such a pivotal role in a British referendum.

Pivotal but stupid. The big scare claim is, ‘If we stay in then we’ll be overrun by Turks when they join the EU’. It’s bollocks because Britain has an absolute veto  over new member states.

But this is one of those unusual cases where the ‘turkeys voting for Christmas’ argument can be subverted into ‘Christians voting for Turkey’.

Thanks Boris.

The best of Twitter

Screen Shot 2016-06-21 at 10.21.28 Screen Shot 2016-06-21 at 10.20.17 Screen Shot 2016-06-21 at 10.17.02 Screen Shot 2016-06-21 at 10.16.38

Thanks Tina.

Vote Remain.


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