Fireman Islam

Breaking news: Pontypandy is becoming radicalised. An episode of the well-known documentary Fireman Sam has been withdrawn from circulation after it emerged that a page of on-screen ‘gobbledygook’ (pictured) was in fact an extract from the Koran “on the origin of existence, the Day of Resurrection, hellfire and the attributes of God”.

The show was pulled after Muslim groups protested that the page was treated disrespectfully, prompting comments on the Daily Mail website including, “Grow some large ones.”

Anyway: there are now concerns that the small Welsh village in which the programme is set has become Islamified, and to quell those fears, Gabrielquotes is now proud to release an updated version of the Fireman Sam theme music:

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When he hears that muezzin call,
Sam heads to the qibla wall.
He abandons work to pray
Five times every single day.

He fights fires without fear:
Fireman Sam – and he never has a beer!
Fireman Sam – you cannot ignore:
Sam is the Muslim next door!

He won’t let you come to harm
So long as you’re an imam.
He’s a brilliant fireman
But no hoses in Ramadan.

He leads a daring team:
Fireman Sam – and his views are not extreme!
Fireman Sam – you cannot ignore:
Sam is the Muslim next door!

Dislaimer: the author(s) of this blog would like to assure our Muslim readers that, no, we’re not bigots and this piece is a light satire of the current level of xenophobia in British society. We hope that this has cleared up any questions you may have had.

Disclaimer: the author(s) of this blog would like to assure our Islamophobic readers that, no, we’ve not become radicalised. The fact that we lightly satirise your racism doesn’t mean we support the terrorist attack in Nice. We hope that this has cleared up any questions you may have had.

Who remembers Nick Clegg?

“Gabriel Webber. Kill him.”

The Sunday Times does: one of their top journalists discovered that Clegg is being paid £115,000 a year in expenses out of the public duty costs allowance which is available to former Prime Ministers.

Eagle-eyed readers will immediately spot that Nick Clegg was never Prime Minister, and, indeed, was barely even Deputy Prime Minister.

He’s still an MP and continues to fund his office through those expenses, so it’s very unclear what he can be spending his additional £100k on.

Possibilities include:

• A captive breeding programme to try to halt the gradual extinction of Liberal Democrats
• Paying the tuition fees of 11.1 students
• Two jars of Ocado mayonnaise
• A life-size inflatable doll of David Cameron for some rose garden role-play
• A silly music video
• A sillier music video
• Erm…
• That’s it

Where’s Andy Coulson when you want him?

I remember the days when American elections were painfully jingoistic: when the candidates were desperately trying to outdo each other as to ‘who’s the most patriotic’.

And, annoying as those days were, they were far preferable to the current fad where a candidate openly commits treason at a party congress by calling for Russian intelligence agents to hack into the private email account of a former Cabinet member.

But it’s not as if the Democrats were behaving themselves at their congress. Not like in the good old 1870s, when Sir George Campbell happened to attend a local meeting of the Illinois Democrats, as described in his seminal book White and Black.

And honestly, even though he wrote it so long ago, the extent to which he found the whole experience utterly bemusing really leapt off the page:

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So, farewell then, VHS

In 1971, Japanese engineers Yuma Shiraishi and Shizuo Takano first invented the video cassette. But, fast forward 45 years, the last video player been manufactured so the technology is officially defunct.

A few years ago, I was leading on a summer camp for children and I organised a Kim’s game. I prepared a tray of objects for them to observe, before I took it away and they had to recite, from memory, everything that had been on it.

I happened to put a video on the tray. “What’s that?” they all asked.

Ugh.

A nice vintage Shiraz

I bet you all hoped that Surrey Partnership Ltd, aka. the Assistant Police & Crime Commissioner for Surrey, was out of our lives for good.

Just to refresh your memory, the then PCC Kevin Hurley decided he wanted Councillor Shiraz Mirza (pictured) to work for him, but since politicians are barred from such employment, they instead incorporated Surrey Partnership Ltd as a one-man company to evade the legal restriction, and appointed the company as Assistant PCC.

As soon as the foul-mouthed Hurley was decidedly voted out of office by an irritated electorate, I certainly assumed that Surrey Partnership was off the scene.

But no. Because he’s made a formal complaint against the new PCC, David Munro, for “racially motivated dismissal”.

Now this is interesting, because, as Mirza and Hurley repeatedly assured everyone from their own auditors to the press, the only appointment made was that of Surrey Partnership Ltd – and as a registered company, it seems unlikely that it has a race. Mirza himself never held any office, because, as we’ve established, as a local councillor, he is not legally allowed to work for a PCC at all.

So as far as one can tell, he is now complaining that he was unfairly dismissed from a highly-paid role which he never held and which it would have been unlawful for him to hold.

In fact, just the kind of sensible, rational, selfless chap we want to be in charge of law enforcement…

The news in briefs

• A Scottish Member of Parliament has been admonished for bringing her children with her to work. Apparently the youngsters made other MPs feel awkward that they were the best-behaved and most mature people in the room.
• Labour leadership contender Owen Smith has pledged “to create a shadow secretary of state for Labour dedicated to workers’ rights”, though critics say that the term ‘Labour minister’ would henceforth become too confusing.
• A Fox News correspondent has argued that the black slaves who built the White House were “well fed and cared for” – in sharp contradistinction to the Mexicans who Trump is going to have build his wall.

The ides of May

Well, as the radical cleric of time is hosed down by the fireman of destiny, and the former Deputy Prime Minister of fate is paid the expenses of eternity, it seems to be the end of the blog post.

In tonight’s episode, Fireman Sam was played by Abu Qatada and Nick Clegg by Auric Goldfinger. The VCR was created by Yuma Shiraishi and Shizuo Takano. Surrey Partnership Ltd was portrayed by Shiraz Mirza. This was an Gabrielquotes production!