Now, please appreciate that I speak as an Official Election Observer accredited by the Electoral Commission; as a long-time returning officer; as someone who reads Schofield’s Election Law for fun and who did their dissertation on electoral dispute resolution.
I am bloody bored of this election.
I’d barely got over 2015, and now we have to go through the whole, irritating, sorry business again, this time with one leader who let me down by calling the election when she said she wouldn’t; one who literally has fewer MPs in Parliament than there are pandas in America; and Jeremy Corbyn. Dire stuff.
One of the main stars so far has definitely been Gisela Allen of UKIP. Her proposal to bring back the guillotine got a lot of coverage, however even better was her bizarre outburst, “Kidney transplants, heart transplants – come off it.” Er – right. Sounds sensible to me.
The desperately dull general election follows hot on the heels of desperately duller local elections, in which Labour and UKIP were basically wiped out but nevertheless released defiant statements claiming not to have been wiped out (they’ve had months to plan for this, why couldn’t they think of something more convincing?)
Former John Lewis managing director Andy Street is the new Mayor the West Midlands; and let’s face it, if anybody can give us stable leadership, it’s a mare. In his victory speech, Mr Street revealed that his first new policy will be to redesignate the entire population of Coventry as “partners” rather than mere citizens.
But above all, my heart really goes out to David Dimbleby. The poor guy has fronted almost every election night since the 1980s, staying up long past his bedtime to interview Patricia Hewitt. He had planned to step down after the 2015 election and pass on the 2020 baton to Huw Edwards. But this unexpected early ballot has called him out of retirement – and I suspect he’s not happy about it. Here’s his song, entitled quite simply, Let Me Go:
Hamas introduce new customer charter
New, more conciliatory clauses include a condemnation of “anti-human Zionist aggressors”, and a timely reminder that terrorist violence “remains a legitimate right, duty and honour” for its members. Nice.
Alongside introducing cutesey one-eyed mascots, the latest charter also guarantees consumers a “more responsive service”, greater punctuality of knife attacks, and speedy resolution of customer complaints.
Holders of the myJihad card will also be entitled to a free coffee and copy of Protocols of the Elders of Zion every time they spend more than £10.
Another plan to increase Hamas’s popularity has involved senior operatives being loaned to the BBC as extras on hit crime drama Line of Duty.
Banksy on Brexit
Residents of Dover, where the painting can be found, are not terribly impressed, one commenting:
When are the ‘remainer camp’ going to realise the stars don’t represent member states?
It’s almost as if they don’t understand what art is.
Another Brexit-supporting reader of the Kent Online website (ie the other half of its readership) wondered:
Has Brussels paid him to do this?
But I thought Brussels only paid people for doing nothing?
Nous avons besoin d’un leadership solide et stable
It’s not just Britain that’s suffered an election. In France, a nail-biting contest was cancelled in order not to distract from the presidential election, in which one candidate who wishes she’d been born fifty years earlier so as not to miss the golden era of fascism faced off against another who thinks he should have got paid royalties when the film Notes on a Scandal was released.
The election got nasty in the final few days, with Marine Le Pen claiming that Monsieur Macron had an “offshore bank account in the Bahamas” – which she found objectionable because she needs the Bahamas as a slave colony to deport unwanted minorities to.
Election day itself was not without moments of crisis. According to the BBC:
…although that was nothing to the five even greater tits who were outside canvassing on behalf of the Front National. (The BBC also added that “a lot of French media are tweeting about the birds” but that’s just silly.)
Macron had the backing of senior clergy from France’s Christian, Muslim and Jewish communities, who issued an unpresidented joint statement condemning Le Pen. This led one disgruntled commenter on the Jewish News Facebook page to say:
Suicidal rabbi voting for Vichy Nazi EU Islam axis?!
With the retirement of Philip ‘this looks like it was done by an Indian’ Duke of Edinburgh, there is a vacancy available for someone to have the popular outdoor activity awards named after them.
Here at Gabrielquotes Towers we look at the runners and hikers:
- At odds of 5/3, Prince George, who will be introducing a special new award for escaping a baby-leash while sporting a snazzy dressing gown
- 4/3: Evan Millet, owner of the popular tent, sleeping bag and middle-class grain empire
- Evens: Camilla. Smash the patriarchy.
- At 3/8 it’s Nigel Farage: he knows he could win it but probably won’t run just to prove how confident he is about his chances
- At 2/17: Bear Grylls. If he can grill a bear he can run an award scheme.
- 25/1: all the people who Prince Philip has insulted, abused and racially degraded during his ninety years of public service. Because we like to think that reparation is a thing.
- 50/1: erm…
- 55/1: that’s it.
Just a note that those of you professing the Jewish religion may wish to see my growing collection of Jewish educational resources by clicking on the word ‘here’: here.