The plague’s the thing: the Pesach 5778 special

What does the wicked son say? “What does all this mean to you?” And his father replies: “To me but not to you?” Has it really never occurred to anyone before that the father is clearly Paul ‘to me, to you’ Chuckle?

Anyway, it’s that time of year again, so why not sit down, lean to the left and click below to watch this year’s edition of Pesach News!

Latest on nerve gas attack

Attack possibly linked to Russian agents – Home Secretary rejects speculation – Victims of nerve gas found stumbling around blindly acting irrationally

Police and health authorities are working round the clock to find an antidote as 52% of the electorate has been found blundering around the UK acting irrationally and making stupid decisions.

Speculation is growing that the Russian secret service is responsible for the entire episode, which is being blamed either on nerve gas or on sinister false Twitter accounts.

Home Secretary Amber Rudd told reporters, “This speculation from doctors, IT specialists and other professionals is not helpful. We want to go ahead based on reality rather than on facts or expert opinion.”

Theresa May added, “I’m getting on with the job.”

Draft withdrawal agreement published

The chief negotiators for both sides have this month published a draft withdrawal agreement setting out the terms of the Israelites’ exodus from Egypt.

Key terms include the proposal for a transition period of 40 years, during which time the Israelites will continue to be allowed to subsist in the Sinai wilderness and trade on preferential terms with other member tribes including the Midianites, the Moabites, the Ammonites, the Fridaynites and the Hazelnutineverybites.

The agreement also provides for any Israelites who wish to continue living in Egypt after withdrawal, and on the status of Egyptians who will be exiting along with the Israelites. The latter will continue to have the right to attend public Torah readings.

One sticking point appears to be airspace rights (the Egyptians are resolute that the Israelites’ Angel of Death will have no right to fly through Egyptian airspace after withdrawal), and another is the issue of a hard border at the Red Sea, something which the Israelites are strongly resisting.

The negotiations continue.

Minting it

We’re all being treated to a series of 26 new designs of 10p coin, each celebrating an aspect of Britain starting with a given letter of the alphabet. Some of them are fairly reasonable (Fish and chips, NHS, Queuing), but some are slightly more specious: the opening word of ‘World wide web’ suggests that it is, by its nature, global. I’m pretty sure that ‘Ice cream’ (pictured right) is Italian, and ‘X marks the spot’ is just not really a thing, British or otherwise.

So as a public service, I’ve decided to unveil my own series of more accurate, all-British, alphabetical coin design proposals:

  • Apologising
  • Bulgarians taking all our jobs
  • Cornish nationalism
  • Delay Repay
  • EDL
  • Free speech whether snowflakes like it or not
  • Golders Green becoming overrun by Muslims
  • Hungarians taking all our jobs
  • Indian takeaways
  • Jacob Rees-Mogg
  • King Charles III
  • London house prices
  • MPs’ expenses
  • Neasden
  • One-way systems
  • PC gone mad
  • Qataris buying all our housing
  • Royal weddings
  • Snow days
  • Tabloid cancer warnings
  • University managers’ salaries
  • VE Day should be a national holiday
  • We tried to call but you were out
  • X marks the ‘Leave’ box on the ballot paper
  • Yellow lines
  • Zambians taking all our jobs

Nirtzah

Our blog post is now completed. We’ve made the jokes, satirised the pillocks, shown disrespect to everyone and everything. Let us be pleased that we have done so in freedom and in safety; next year on an internet redeemed.

[Hieroglyphic for ‘Credits’]

Well, as the wicked son of time is chastised open by the father of destiny, and as the midwife of fate subversively delivers the Hebrew baby of eternity, it seems to be the end of the blog post.
In tonight’s episode, the the coins were produced by the Royal Mint and the draft withdrawal agreement was produced by the Secretary of State for Exiting Egypt. The nerve agent was spread either by Russia or by Russia. The news was brought to you by the Biblical Broadcasting Corporation. This was an Gabrielquotes production!

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