The Brexit Party thinks there are too many Poles, while the rest of us think there are too many polls, as Britain goes to the ballot boxes yet again today. Join Gabrielquotes for a thrilling glance through all the important features of the general election that nobody really wants.
What your votes really mean
Everyone with a vested interest in this election has been keen to tell you what your vote really means: how a vote for Party A actually indicates support for Cause B. As a massive favour for you, Gabrielquotes & Co LLP has very kindly consolidated all of this advice into one convenient – if inconsistent – guide:
- A vote for the Lib Dems is a vote for Corbyn.
- A vote for the Lib Dems is a vote for Johnson.
- A vote for Labour is a vote for anti-Semitism.
- Tomatoes are a fruit, not a vegetable.
- A vote for the Tories is a vote for selling the NHS.
- A vote for the SNP is a vote for Remain.
- A vote for the Greens is a vote for having your journey on the Central line delayed by Extinction Rebellion.
- A vote for the Lib Dems is a vote for a Lib Dem government with Jo Swinson as Prime Minister (This is the silliest one. -Ed.)
- A vote for Corbyn is a vote for Hamas.
- A vote for Johnson is a vote for a fake Brexit that keeps us part of the EU’s insidious octopus.
- Votey Mcvoteface is the name the public chose.
- A vote for Anneka and Kevin will cost 57p per minute plus your standard network rate.
- That’s it.
The parties have all got into the Christmas spirit by agreeing to release one election promise every day. Just like the contents of an advent calendar, these promises are overpriced, unhealthy and vanishingly unlikely to survive as long as January the 1st.
Labour has pledged to provide free broadband for everyone (providing that the only sites they choose to visit are CorbynAndChill.net, ComeradesReunited.uk.com and Clause4chan.org), while the Tories have pledged to give Nigel Farage a peerage. Both commitments seem faintly corrupt, but at least Labour’s offer is superficially attractive to the voting public.
By dangling the prospect of Lord Farage in front of us, Boris Johnson has actually made a vow that leaves me even less likely to vote for him than I was before. Perhaps he should have submitted this plan to peer review before announcing it? (You’re fired. -Ed.)
Now, we’re being given a new present each day in the run-up to Christmas. If only I could think of an easily-parodiable song to provide a structure through which I can satirise Election 2019. Oh wait… I have it:
The rules of the election
Everyone knows I have a soft spot for electoral administration. But what very few people know is that there is actually a whole tractate of the Mishnah* dedicated to outlining the halachot and regulations around voting. So please click below (or here tbh) and read the two newly-discovered pages of manuscript that make up all we know of Masechet B’chirah.
Note from Gabriel: this is a parody. It doesn’t mean I don’t have serious concerns about Labour’s institutional anti-Semitism (I do). It doesn’t mean I love Corbyn (I don’t). It doesn’t mean I’m mocking people’s heartfelt fears (I’m not). What it means is that I deprecate Stephen Pollard’s fearmongering, with reporting which, surely deliberately, leaves people more afraid than they need be. I deprecate his attempt to make British Jews forget that we are both British and Jewish, and to manipulate voters into thinking only about themselves and not giving a thought to the impact of our vote on wider society. And I explain all this in more mild and reasoned terms IN THIS SERMON. Please do not send me angry tweets if you don’t get these subtleties. Thanks in advance. (Do you really think the people who send you angry tweets get subtleties? -Ed.) (No. But they’ll be too busy pretending to pack their bags to spend time reading this blog. -GKW)
If a second referendum is becoming a possiblity, so too must a second song (Please, no. -Ed). And it would be remiss of Gabrielquotes Publishing Plc to let slip the opportunity to mark this thrilling moment that, years after the Brexit vote, we’re still in the EU.
Video footage emerged last month of Boris Johnson promising businesspeople in Northern Ireland that his “fantastic, oven-ready” Brexit deal will leave them with full access to the single market: “There will be no forms, no checks, no barriers of any kind. You will have unfettered access.” This sounds like a brilliant idea! If only there were a way to secure similar access for exporters and businesses across the rest of the UK.
This phrase “oven-ready” does deserve some checks and fetters, however. Johnson has repeatedly guaranteed that his deal is “oven-ready”. In one speech he said it was “oven-ready, just pop it in the microwave”. OK, you might say, perhaps he’s using the slightly antiquated term ‘microwave oven’; it goes with his slightly antiquated views on black people and his slightly antiquated Leader of the House of Commons. But then in another speech he said that his deal is “ready to put in the oven, gas mark 4”. It’s a rare microwave that can perform at gas mark 4. But then again it’s a rare Prime Minister who can have gone back to Brussels to negotiate a better deal than his predecessor and ended up with something worse.
An English lesson
Everyone’s favourite flame warriors Sussex Friends of Israel recently did a Facebook post referring to the anti-Semitic actions of “a Gestapo of Corbynites”. They obviously take the view that a collective noun that doesn’t use Holocaust imagery is a collective noun not worth having.
But I decided to take part in their game of venery, and to come up with a series of other, similarly objectionable collective nouns of the sort that might be used by far-right trolls and also the editor of the Daily Mail:
Anyone got any further suggestions? (I’m particularly interested in coming up with a collective noun for ice sculptures.) Leave a comment below!
Go back to your constituencies and prepare for a f**king nightmare
Vote. Vote early, vote often. Try to vote in a way that will protect the vulnerable people in society and not just yourself. Join me in the Election Day Prayer as polls close at 10pm.
And Gabrielquotes & Gabrielquotes Ltd will be back for Channukah. See you then.