1It happened in the days of Boris – that Boris who ruled over a red wall from Bassetlaw to Bolsover. 2In those days, Boris occupied the fortress Downing Street. 3In the second year of his reign, he gave a series of banquests for all the officials, courtiers, interior designers and Chancellors in his service. 4He displayed the vast riches of his office, its expansive definition of ‘work’ and its extensive mini-fridges. 5In addition, Queen Carrie gave a banquet for the king’s birthday, 6though utterly without his knowledge or awareness.
7On the seventh day, he ordered that they bring Sue Gray’s report before him, to vindicate him before the people. 8But Sue Gray refused to vindicate the king, 9and he was greatly incensed, and fury burned within him alongside the vodka. 10Then Boris consulted the spads learned in procedure. His closest advisers all resigned, 11except one who said, “Sue Gray has transgressed a command of the king. 12Make Jimmy Savile jokes, hope for a war in eastern Europe, and do everything you can to divert attention.”
Unfortunately, the rest of this manuscript has been lost, save for one fragment where Haman paid 12 million talents of silver as compensation to Esther following her allegation that he lay on a couch with her (even though he insisted he’d never met her).
Licensed to procreate
I am now a proud member of a household where both adults are allowed to drive. But we’ve been thinking about how odd it is that, while one is forbidden from driving without a licence, one is allowed to look after a baby without any formal training whatsoever.
Surely there should be some sort of baby test before a licence to procreate is issued? For example…