The Health Protection (Plague of Boils, Restrictions) (Salty Tiers 4) Regulations 5781

 

Restrictions on leaving home

1. No person who lives in the plague-ridden area may leave or be outside of the place where they are living without reasonable excuse (see Exodus 12:22).

2. For the purposes of paragraph 1, the place where a person is living includes the premises where they live together with any garden, yard, sand dune, pyramid, mausoleum or other appertenance of such premises.

3. For the purposes of paragraph 1, a reasonable excuse includes the need:

  • to provide support to a vulnerable person,
  • to buy or obtain goods or services (including, for the avoidance of doubt, to buy a kid),
  • to engage in slavery, where it is not reasonably possible for the slave’s duties to be carried out from home,
  • to access midwifery services,
  • to provide childcare to any child who is too young to ask questions,
  • to visit a public outdoor place for the purposes of recreation either:
  • to adjust the chemical composition of the River Nile,
  • to search for an afikomen, and
  • to visit a house for the purposes of announcing a forthcoming Messiah.

4. A place is a “public outdoor place” if it is a mountain, encampment or area of bullrushes.

Restrictions on gatherings

5. No person who lives in the plague-ridden area may participate in a gathering of two or more people unless:

  • the gathering is for the purposes of an exodus,
  • the gathering is a seder at which a substantial meal is served (ie any seder),
  • the gathering consists of at least 400 Charedim and is for the purposes of celebrating a wedding, or
  • the gathering consists solely of:
    • two Talmuds,
    • three patriarchs,
    • four matriarchs,
    • five books of the Torah,
    • six orders of the Mishnah,
    • seven days of the week,
    • eight days of circumcision,
    • nine months of childbirth,
    • ten commandments,
    • eleven stars in Joseph’s dream,
    • twelve tribes, or
    • thirteen attributes of the Holy One.

6. For the purposes of paragraph 5, references to “the Holy One” include any Israelite deity regardless of whether or not there are vowels in the name of the deity.

Requirement to close businesses and premises

7. A person responsible for carrying on any of the following businesses in the plague-ridden area must close it immediately:

  • a farm,
  • an embalming chamber,
  • a tavern (unless every alcoholic beverage is served with three other identical alcoholic beverages), or
  • a goat and kid retailer.

Travel

8. A person who is present at an embarkation point for the purpose of travelling from there directly or indirectly to a destination outside Egypt must have with them a completed travel declaration form.

9. The travel declaration form must state:

  • the person’s full name,
  • their destination,
  • the reason for their journey, and
  • the number of years that the person intends their journey to last.

Enforcement

10. A relevant person may take such action as is necessary to enforce a restriction under these Regulations.

11. A “relevant person” includes any person designated by the Pharaoh as a slave-driver.

12. A person commits an offence if the person contravenes a restriction under these Regulations.

13. A relevant person may issue a fixed lashing notice to any person that they reasonably believe has committed an offence under these Regulations.

14. If the fixed lashing notice is the first issued to the person, the amount of lashes is to be 50.

15. If the fixed lashing notice is not the first issued to the person, the amount of lashes is to double on each occasion.

16. A person who fails to attend the place designed in the fixed lashing notice, within 28 days, and who has not been lashed, may instead have their babies thrown into the Nile.

Most importantly

Chag sameach, stay safe, stay legal, see you soon hopefully!

A Purim special: The Book of Whitty, 1:1-12

1It happened in the days of Johnson – that Johnson who gave over a hundred and twenty thousand press conferences – 2that he gave a clap for all the officials and courtiers, the administrators, the nobles, the carers, the doctors and the nurses. 3For no less time than a year, every Thursday he would show the great magnanimity of his majesty, by underpaying his healthcare workers but topping up their salaries with applause. And the rule for the clapping was: many, many restrictions.

4In the second month, King Johnson ordered his advisers, wise and SAGE men, to bring Neil Ferguson before him. 5But they caught Neil Ferguson with his trousers down, and King Johnson was greatly incensed, and his fury burned within him, and he banished Neil Ferguson from his palace.

6Then dispatches were sent to all the provinces of the land, except for Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland, that every man should wield authority in his own home, but that he should not step outside of it without reasonable excuse.

7King Johnson’s servants, who attended him, said, “Let beautiful young doctors be sought out for Your Majesty. Let them be provided with cosmetics and let the doctor who pleases you most become the face of your battle against coronavirus.”

8There was a doctor in the land called Whitty, and was more comely and beautiful than all the other doctors, and he won King Johnson’s grace and favour, so he appointed him Chief Medical Officer.

9That night, sleep deserted King Johnson, perhaps because the sound of smashing plates is pretty bloody loud, so he ordered up the book of records. 10There it was found written that there had been a remarkable episode in his own household: his courtier, Dominic, had deserted the palace and driven to the province of Durham. 11“What honour or advancement has been conferred on him for this?” the king enquired. “Nothing at all has been done for him,” replied his servants.

12So the king made him Chief of Staff.

To be continued when we know the end of the story…

Happy Purim!