Vashti and the crisps (a Purim special)

The Book of Vashti

Allegations of inappropriate behaviour are “under investigation” by the Lord Chamberlain

In the third year of his reign, King Ahasuerus held a banquet for one thousand of his subjects. For three days they feasted and drank wine. And the rule for the drinking was: anyone who touches five or more waitresses inappropriately gets free membership of the Presidents Club.

And on the fourth day of the banquet the King summoned Vashti his queen. He sent a message to her, carried by a courtier. And this is what the message said:

“The lord your King summons you to his feast in the Great Hall. You need have no fears about attending: for the King has bought you some special ladies’ Doritos that will not get crumbs on your ladylike fingers. And behold, your King is a very stable King; mark this well, your King is a genius. And his word must be obeyed.”

But Vashti his queen did not wish to eat ladies’ Doritos. Thus, she sent back word to the King to say:

“No, I will not come to your banquet. I will stay here in the hareem and eat the proper Doritos what we have here.”

And the King was much incensed. And his anger waxed sore strong, perhaps inflamed by the spicy, manly flavours of the masculine tortilla chips he was eating. And he expelled Vashti from his royal palace, and he decreed that she should be his queen no more. Thus, Vashti went out from Shushan the capital city to buy some Pringles.

In time, the King came to want a new queen. So he summoned Haman his vizier (Boo! -Ed) and bade him organise a beauty contest, so that the most beauteous virgin in the land could be his new queen. Haman, though, was hard of understanding, and he misunderstood the King’s orders. While the King had bade him organise a beauty contest, Haman built gallows in order to kill the Jewish people.

When Haman’s misdeeds came to the King’s ears, his anger once again waxed sore strong. And he raged, “I shall surely hang you from your own gallows, Haman!”

But Haman pleaded with the King, “Sire! You have the wrong man before you. It was not me who did the deed that has so angered you. It was Dave!

However, the King had made up his mind, and had Haman hanged on his own gallows. And from that day forward, the Jews celebrated their salvation from Haman by pretending that he had triangular ears for no apparent reason.

Modern-day Hamans, volume 94

Her Majesty’s Coroner for Inner North London, Mary Hassell (pictured) is causing problems by insisting that bereaved Jews who want to bury their dead quickly in accordance with our religious teachings should, er, just pull ourselves togegther.

Of course, having such a high and mighty image of herself, she no doubt thinks that she is the very model of an inner London coroner… and you can hear her sing all about it by clicking on the red ‘play’ icon below.


Disclaimer: I’m poking fun at just how wrong Coroner Hassell’s policy is, but as you’ll read in this sermon, we shouldn’t try to bully her into changing it either.


Something rotten in the Commonwealth

The Commonwealth (pictured) has been meeting in order to decide “secretly” who should take over as its leader when the Queen drops off the perch. As usual, Gabrielquotes dot com slash www dot net is here to look at the runners and riders.

At 2:1, it’s Jacob Rees-Mogg. Who better to head up the last remnant of the Empire than, er, the lsat remnant of the Empire?

At 7:3 [please note that I really know nothing about betting odds so these ones might not even make sense; by 7:3 I basically mean something not enormously likely but also at the same time not enormously unlikely] it’s a 2nd-class stamp. We all love Her Maj – and give her a good licking from time to time – so why not stick with a winning formula just because it’s beyond the grave?

At 12:1 [getting significantly unlikely now] it’s Meghan Markle. The racist British right seems angered that black people are allowed into the Royal fam; this is a beautiful opportunity to annoy them yet further!

At 500:1, they could just disband the whole thing and not keep going with a silly post-imperialist enterprise? But nah, that would be too sensible.

Watch this space for further updates after my treason trial.

Thoughts and prayers update

Following this month’s tragic school shooting, politicians from across the United States have rallied round to speak in defence of the right to delay the enactment of an important social and legislative reform.

Chuck Denizen (R-MT) told reporters, “It’s times such as this, when our eternal American freedoms are under attack, that it is all the more important for us to use our thoughts and prayers as a means of evading public pressure to act.”

Meanwhile, National Rifle Association president Stu L Munnetcampbell III said, “Make no mistake: this latest outrage was not caused by a gun. Therefore it wasn’t an outrage. In fact, no crime has been perpetrated by a gun in the continental United States for over 40 years. And anyone who says otherwise is a Russian troll in the pay of Hillary Clinton.”

The wait for a Second Amendment Amendment continues.

Mosque update

Following on from January’s Mosque Update, I promised to check in whenever there was more news.

Well, one of the concerns originally raised by the Golders Green Mosque Martyrs was that an increased concentration of Muslims could delay ambulances seeking to drive past on their way to the Royal Free Hospital.

Fortunately, experience has shown these fears not to have reached that crucial threshold of ‘reality’ which separates the barking and racist from the merely ‘true’. Only yesterday, I noticed an ambulance going past the mosque, and the only delay to its journey was caused by a 268 bus – which, being so plainly innocent of global terror that even the Mosque Martrys can’t fabricate a case implicating it, doesn’t seem such a problem.

So all good for the moment.

Creditae, creditatum, creditato

Well, as the cadaver of time is cut open by the coroner of destiny, and as the funeral director of fate waits impatiently outside the cemetery of eternity, it seems to be the end of the blog post.
In tonight’s episode, the Coroner for Inner North London was played by Mary Hassell, and the indictee was portrayed by Binyamin Netanyahu. Gun crime was perpetuated by Donald Trump and the Commonwealth was run by dear old Blighty. This was an Gabrielquotes production!

Who has the biggest button of them all?

Now that we know just  how much Donald ‘Stable Genius’ Trump likes big buttons and he cannot lie (but he can present alternative facts), it seemed worth producing this highly serious listicle of Those Top 10 Buttons You Should Know About.

In tenth place: that button that was in a transparent plastic bag sewn into your new suit that you dropped down the back of the sofa and now can’t find.

In ninth place: the ANY key of ‘hit any key’ fame.

In eighth place: the WIPE ALL DATA button located perilously close to the INSTALL UPDATE button on my iPhone.

In seventh, sixth and fifth places: those three bits of coal that were left behind after the tragic climax to ‘The Snowman’.

In fourth place: that stick a conductor uses to conduct the orchestra (Is this right? -Ed.)

In third place: all the buttons that Steve Jobs had phobia of.

In second place: Kim Jong-un’s big red button.

In first place, the world’s scariest button: the SEND button on Trump’s Twitter app.

Full room and border

The government has decided that the best solution to the apparent menace we face from overseas – evil migrants, people-traffickers, terrorists and more trying to infilitrate our borders – is to rely on a band of plucky volunteers with pitchforks and frying pans to defend us.

Since Britain doesn’t really have borders (except the Irish one, and the less said about that the better), this band of latter-day Harold Godwinsons are presumably going to spend their time patrolling the beaches and coves of our green and pleasant land, perhaps disrupting some implausibly-accented men in eyepatches from smuggling rum and returning lost dogs to their grateful owners.

I’m game…


The new student champion

Donald Trump isn’t the only one who’s been in trouble on Twitter in 2018. No, this isn’t about Virgin Trains, but Toby Young. Toby Young has just been appointed to the board of the new university regulator, charmingly called the “Office for Students”.

Since his appointment was announced at 00:01am on 1 January (which wasn’t in any way a government attempt to bury bad news), he’s been busy going through and deleting his past tweets which might throw into question his fitness to hold public office.

University regulator standing in front of some arbitrary books to show that he’s learned

Toby Young (pictured left, uncharacteristically) is a commentator well-known for sensible views such as complaining that schools are expected to be wheelchair-accessible (“ghastly”) and proposing the repeal of the Equality Act – which protects women, ethnic minorities, people with disabilities and more from discrimination. His suggestion that Britain go back to the good old days when people could refuse to employ blacks at will is no doubt an example of what Boris Johnson described as Young’s “caustic wit”.

However, he has now held his hands up and announced that he “regrets” having [been caught] making inappropriate remarks, and just to reassure students that he really is there for them and will be a strong voice in the promotion of their interests, he’s recorded this special song for us about how, really, deep down, he’s our friend:


Mosque update

Just a quick note: last month the Golders Green Mosque Martyrs expressed a concern that having an Islamic centre open in Golders Green would cause a serious threat to the Jewish community’s security.

I’m pleased to report that, a month on, the mortality rate in NW11 continues to be approximately the same as before; less than half of local Jews have been forced to make aliyah for their safety; and only six kosher shops have been ruthlessly driven out of business by newcomers to the neighbourhood.

I’ll keep you all posted as the year goes on.


Housing benefit

National department store group House of Fraser (with 59 branches across the UK and Ireland) has written to its landlords asking for “support” with the rent after a “difficult Christmas”.

This could mark a turning point in Big Business.

Other companies have now followed suit:

  • Pret a Manger has been seen visiting a food bank in Kentish Town.
  • Clifford Chance Solicitors have applied for legal aid.
  • nPower is claiming a Winter Fuel Payment to assist with heating costs.
  • Her Majesty’s Revenue & Customs is struggling to find the right form with which to claim tax credits.
  • Blue Arrow Recruitment is getting a weekly Jobseeker’s Allowa (I think we get the joke here. -Ed.)

And finally, a little romance

UKIP leader Henry Bolton has gone public with his significant other, 25-year-old model Jo Marney (pictured extreme right).

Following the obligatory inspection of Ms Marney’s Twitter history, it emerged that her views include calling Grenfell tower “a nest of illegal immigrants”, and suggesting that women who complained of sexual abuse by Harvey Weinstein are “whinging little divas”.

And I just wanted to close this new-year blog post by saying how lovely it is to see two people who are so perfectly matched end up together. In so many relationships, the revelation that one partner held disgusting opinions and expressed them in insensitive ways would rock the boat, perhaps even drive the couple apart.

But I think Henry Bolton and Jo Marney are stronger than that, and that Henry – on learning Jo’s views – will only become closer to her.

Which is lovely.

My credits are bigger than yours

Well, as the nuclear bomb of time is edited by the social media despot of destiny, and as the volunteer border guard of fate winkles out the economic migrant of eternity, it seems to be the end of the blog post.
In tonight’s episode, Donald Trump was played by Ernst Stavro Blofeld, and the Mosque Update will hopefully have reassured mosque martyr Sharon Shitpael. The new Students’ Tsar is Toby Young. This was an Gabrielquotes production!