The Legs-odus: Pesach special 2017

Phwoar, look at those bodies. Moses demands a free nation for his people, the Pharaoh says ‘better together’, and both strip to the waist as they plan Egypt’s future.

In our special edition today, we objectify all the personalities involved and generally ignore the important issues altogether.

But first, kick off your shoes, grab a boiled egg, lean to the left and relax as you watch this year’s edition of Pesach News brought to you by the Biblical Broadcasting Corporation!



Since I’ve been in employment it’s been harder for me to blog ‘stupid quotes what I heard’ without causing widespread (and entirely reasonable) offence.

Picture the scene

But on Monday I was fortunate enough to sit opposite two hysterically funny men – visibly stoned out of their minds – on the Tube so I can share their conversation, which had all their fellow passengers in stitches. Let’s call them Jim and Chris:

Chris: [gets up and sits on floor] I can no longer sit next to a man who neglects……. sweets.

Jim: [earnestly to the woman opposite] But what does society give back to people who give to society?

Chris: Percy Pigs! Have you tried them? Great bit of clobber.

Jim: [who is clearly the philosopher of the pair] And you know that attack at Westminster, how many people were standing and recording it…

Chris: Six?

Jim: …without trying to help…

Chris: Seven?

Jim: …That’s society today.

Chris: Fourteen?

Jim: And you know, I was with Shakespeare this afternoon.

Chris: He was a thief!

Jim: I know. He stole a black woman’s rhymes.

Chris: No, he stole my nan’s hot water bottle. It was her favourite one, too, with the polka dots. She never got over it. She died of diabetes three weeks later. [Turns suddenly to me] Do you know if this train stops at Euston?

Me: No, we’re past Finchley now.

Chris: You knew that?

Me: Yes…

Chris: [hurt and shocked] And you didn’t say anything?

They weren’t threatening at all, just really entertaining.

Rock on

Who wouldn’t want a bit of this?

From 24 June 2016 until 30 March 2017, Gibraltar was regarded as 95.9% Remoaner, undemocratic, unpatriotic, desperate to give up hard-won British sovereignty to any passing foreigner.

But on 31 March, everything changed. As soon as Spain started making noises about retaking control, it turned out that the Gibraltarians are quintessentially British, a vital part of our nation, and to be defended from the ravages of foreign sovereignty whatever the cost.

Gibraltar last had a referendum in 2002, when citizens were offered the prospect of introducing Spanish rule. There were claims at the time that “Spanish secret agents were making use of secret funds” to exert a sinister, pro-Spain influence over affairs. (No-one expects the Spanish intervention! -Ed.)

Given that the result was: 17,900 for British rule; 187 for joint rule, one has to question whether the ‘secret Spanish funds’ offered Spain value for money.

Ken or lo?

The news that serial anti-Semite and former Mayor of London Ken Livingstone has been allowed to keep his place in the Labour Party despite going on national radio to claim Hitler was a Zionist has not gone down especially well with the Jewish community: especially since the suspension will not preclude him from, er, attending and voting at party meetings, which sounds suspiciously like full membership.

Meanwhile, the news that glorious pro-Palestine, anti-racist trailblazing campaigner Ken Livingstone has been suspended for two years simply for speaking the truth to those awful fascist Zionist pigs has not gone down especially well with the anti-Israel community.

So Labour’s National Constitutional Committee has managed to please literally nobody – echoes of Jeremy Corbyn there.

Ken’s gracious reaction was to say that, sitting through the disciplinary proceedings, he felt as if he were in “a court in North Korea”. Let us not forget that North Korean firing squads execute upwards of 60 people every year. Suspension from membership (while retaining all the benefits of membership) is a sanction only rarely dished out by Kim Jong-un.

Ken’s other gracious reaction was:

I cannot tell you the number of Jewish people who came up to me who said ‘I know what you said is true’.

Presumably the reason he can’t tell us how many is that the number rhymes with ‘hero’ and it’s a bit embarrassing.

Whose ’plane is it anyway?

I’ve never been in the position of having to share a car with someone else who lives in my house, but I got an insight into just how fraught that must be when I read about the recent double-booking of the nation’s favourite carshare, RAF Voyager, a military aeroplane jointly owned by the Queen and the Prime Minister.

There was an awkward double-booking this week. Prince Charles wanted it (“Pleeeeeaassee, mum!”) to go on a trip to Italy, while Theresa May needed it for her official visit to Saudi Arabia (because obviously her speech about the fate of EU migrant workers post-Brexit would never have worked had she delivered it in the UK).

Something what Prince Charles’s painter might of painted (a Renault Scenic vista)

The diary clash nearly caused a constitutional crisis, which was narrowly averted when the two parties came to an amicable agreement that the Royal family is more important than the elected government of the day so should get first dibs – although Philip Hammond called ‘bagsie’ so I feel he’s been pretty hard-done-by.

Prince Charles was accompanied on his jolly to Italy by “his personal doctor, a hairdresser for the Duchess [presumably this means the Duchess went too but it’s not entirely clear] and an artist to capture scenic vistas”. By ‘capture’, I imagine this means ‘seize and bring back to dear old England to display in the British Museum like wot we did with the Elgin Marbles’.


Enemies of the people (or: Those South Americans know how to do it)

The BBC says:

Eat your heart out, Guy Fawkes.

Elsewhere in South America, justices of the Venezuelan Supreme Court gave their brethren abroad a lesson in how really to subvert democracy and seize control of a country.

None of this lily-livered openly-gay ex-fencer stuff. None of this ‘Parliamentary sovereignty’ stuff. The Venezuelan judges took decisive action by abolishing the legislature and giving themselves ultimate authority to write and revoke all laws.

But still, by all means continue threatening Gina Miller.

What did the Victorians ever do to us?

In other final court of appeal with unlimited civil jurisdiction news, the Supreme Court has handed down judgment in the long-awaited Too cool for school case (past blogs ad nauseam), in which an impoverished single father courageously took on the evil and sinister Establishment in a bid to vindicate his right to take his daughter out of school in order that she shouldn’t miss out on a holiday to Disney World.

Unfortunately, the malevolent Supreme Court cruelly found against Mr Platt, and made the utterly outrageous decision that jaunts to Florida during term-time do not constitute “regular” attendance at school as required by law.

The news brought loony libertarian nuts out in droves, with complaints of human rights violations, nanny states, over-privileged judges, “This means that by law only rich families are allowed to go on holiday”, “Can I sue my child’s school every time they have an INSET day then?”, “Kids learn more on holiday than in lessons anyway”, etc etc.

Most disturbing were those who complained about the state “not letting parents control their children” – because after all, what’s the point in becoming a parent if you don’t acquire control over another human life. Sod their best interests, it’s all about control!

Education has been compulsory in this country since about the 1880s (“Bloody PC-gone-mad 21st century liberal wimps”) and all over the world, there are children living in dire circumstances, maybe working in sweatshops, who would give anything to have the educational opportunities that British children have as of right.

So I find Mr Platt’s attitude rather irksome and wish he would stop. Thanks.

Turns out the 40 years in the Wilderness were actually 39 years and 4 months

The loneliness of the moderately-long-distance runner

So apparently, all this time, the ‘13.1-mile’ Brighton half-marathon was actually 146 metres too short.

What makes it doubly bizarre is that The Guardian reported the total distance in imperial and the shortfall in metric. Lucky we’re about to leave the EU so that particular confusion will soon be cleared up.

Martin Harrigan, the race’s organiser, told reporters: “We fully understand the impact of this news.”

Honestly – on a 2016-17 scale of bad news, the revelation that people who thought they were running 21,082m were actually running 11.3 nautical miles really does not count as ‘severe’.


Gabrielquotes dot org dot uk Limited dot com is delighted to wish all his readers a joyous Pesach. May your seder have more green leaves than salt water, and I’ll see you next year in Jerusalem. (Mine’s a large shoko.)

Introducing our new editor, an MP called George

It seems to be à la mode these days for media outlets to appoint inept political has-beens called George to senior positions, so Gabrielquotes is delighted to announce its new Editor-in-Chief, Sir George Campbell MP, lately of the Bengal Civil Service. He brings to this new role a whole raft of important qualifications, such as deep knowledge of the ills of Mohameddanism; having visited America on one, relatively recent, occasion (1879); and much much more.

Oh, sorry, what’s that George Osborne? You’re envious and want a go too? OK. You can have a quick song, but then we have to get on with the blog.


The UK’s equivalent of 24

It’s never a good sign when a newspaper article has to explain simple concepts in sensational terms. Nor is it a good sign when a newspaper can only explain something happening in Britain by comparing it to better-known things happening in the United States (I visited there in 1897 you know! -Ed.)

So it was a little surprising to read the following sentence in The Guardian:

The National Crime Agency, the UK’s equivalent of the FBI, took the unusual step of confirming its investigation…

As it happens, the comparison is entirely inaccurate (the FBI has a huge range of functions ranging from national security, ie. MI5, through to prosecuting inter-state mail fraud, ie. your local copper), but that in no way means that life as an agent in the National Crime Agency is in anything but the fast lane.

For instance, the organisation is currently recruiting an employment lawyer

When the ’phone of Jack Bower QC rings at 11pm, something tells him he’s in for a long night. NCA is facing its biggest challenge yet: a new EU directive on sick pay threatens to cause chaos and panic [in the human resources unit]. With only twenty-four hours to go before the legislation comes into force, can Agent Bower get an interim injunction in time?




We all know how annoying it is to be in a public toilet and find that there’s no paper left.

So it’s great news that the Beijing city council has taken stern action against the rising tide of toilet paper hoarders (also known as bog hogs), in the form of a massive surveillance operation.

According to reporters:

Those in need of paper must stand in front of a high-definition camera for three seconds, after removing hats and glasses, before a 60cm ration is released. Those who come too often will be denied, and everyone must wait nine minutes before they can use the machine again.

While it’s a little odd that China safeguards its loo roll more assiduously than it safeguards its democracy, I’m sure this will be welcome news to the bladders of Beijing’s citizens.

The council has also promised to fix holes in toilet cubicle doors, to stop its residents from Peking at each other while (You can move on now. -Ed.)

Article 50 update


The European Union (Notification of Withdrawal) Act 2017 got its royal assent a week ago, but Theresa May has held off excising her power to invoke Article 50. She’s told the country that she will trigger it by the end of the month, making this period subject to one of the most significant trigger warnings in history.

The government’s latest plan for a red, white and blue Brexit is to haul in Britain’s anchor and let the country float off around the world, searching the high seas for new partners to trade with, Mortal Engines-style.

No wonder they’re worried about obesity: it’s sink or swim time, Brits! A competition to name this new floating Britain recently decided it should be called Country McCu (And, move on again. -Ed.)

Smile you’re on the World Happiness Index

What seems like about three times per year, a story appears in newspapers about some ‘annual’ (I swear it happens more than that) survey of “the world’s happiest country”, and people look at it with mild interest for about three minutes, then realise it must be bollocks, methodologically speaking, and move on with their drab, wretched lives, not as bitter about not living in Vanuatu or New Zealand or Argentina as the researchers would have wished.

This year’s/ quarter’s annual index reveals Norway to be the happiest place in the world, closely followed by Denmark and Iceland (whose top-three place no doubt owes a lot to its special offer on fish fingers this week).

The bottom ten countries – out of 155 – include Guinea, Syria (Which is not bottom! I knew all those refugees were just faking it! -Ed.) and Yemen, and I’m sure it’s just pure coincidence that most of them are failed or semi-failed states dwarfed by the task of clearing up the mess they were left by various Western empires.

Cabinet pudding

The “veritable procedural imbroglio” of Gabriel Webber v Cabinet Office continues a[very slow]pace, with at least two things happening in the last four months.

First, the Cabinet Office’s barrister, glamorous Matthew Hill of Hillsborough inquest fame, has filed a second appeal in the government’s attempt to have the decision overturned. His main ground is the somewhat whingy “it’s not fair that we forgot to take part the first time round so pls can we have a second bite at the cherry kthx”, and he made the following rather witty introduction:

There is a lengthy and unfortunate procedural history to this matter. This is set out in some detail in the hope – possibly forlorn – that it will assist rather than hinder an understanding of this application.

There followed a comprehensive summary of the whole saga, running back to June 2014. The fact that the lengthiness and unfortunateness of the history is entirely the Cabinet Office’s fault, Matthew Hill chose not to mention…

The judiciary is having none of it, however. Upper Tribunal Judge Wikeley has indicated that he is likely to find against the government on my separate appeal, and restore the original decision, thus resetting matters to how they were, er, a year ago.

I’ll keep you posted over the next few decades.

There will be no more credits under this government

Well, as the evening newspaper of time is edited by the pillock of destiny, and as the First Minister of fate demands the referendum of eternity for the second time in a couple of years, it seems to be the end of the blog post.
In tonight’s episode, the Editor was played by Sir George Campbell MP, with musical accompaniment from J P Sousa and George Osborne. Jack Bower QC was played by Kiefer Sunderland and the Prime Minister by Theresa Can. This was an Gabrielquotes production!