Who has the biggest button of them all?

Now that we know just  how much Donald ‘Stable Genius’ Trump likes big buttons and he cannot lie (but he can present alternative facts), it seemed worth producing this highly serious listicle of Those Top 10 Buttons You Should Know About.

In tenth place: that button that was in a transparent plastic bag sewn into your new suit that you dropped down the back of the sofa and now can’t find.

In ninth place: the ANY key of ‘hit any key’ fame.

In eighth place: the WIPE ALL DATA button located perilously close to the INSTALL UPDATE button on my iPhone.

In seventh, sixth and fifth places: those three bits of coal that were left behind after the tragic climax to ‘The Snowman’.

In fourth place: that stick a conductor uses to conduct the orchestra (Is this right? -Ed.)

In third place: all the buttons that Steve Jobs had phobia of.

In second place: Kim Jong-un’s big red button.

In first place, the world’s scariest button: the SEND button on Trump’s Twitter app.

Full room and border

The government has decided that the best solution to the apparent menace we face from overseas – evil migrants, people-traffickers, terrorists and more trying to infilitrate our borders – is to rely on a band of plucky volunteers with pitchforks and frying pans to defend us.

Since Britain doesn’t really have borders (except the Irish one, and the less said about that the better), this band of latter-day Harold Godwinsons are presumably going to spend their time patrolling the beaches and coves of our green and pleasant land, perhaps disrupting some implausibly-accented men in eyepatches from smuggling rum and returning lost dogs to their grateful owners.

I’m game…


The new student champion

Donald Trump isn’t the only one who’s been in trouble on Twitter in 2018. No, this isn’t about Virgin Trains, but Toby Young. Toby Young has just been appointed to the board of the new university regulator, charmingly called the “Office for Students”.

Since his appointment was announced at 00:01am on 1 January (which wasn’t in any way a government attempt to bury bad news), he’s been busy going through and deleting his past tweets which might throw into question his fitness to hold public office.

University regulator standing in front of some arbitrary books to show that he’s learned

Toby Young (pictured left, uncharacteristically) is a commentator well-known for sensible views such as complaining that schools are expected to be wheelchair-accessible (“ghastly”) and proposing the repeal of the Equality Act – which protects women, ethnic minorities, people with disabilities and more from discrimination. His suggestion that Britain go back to the good old days when people could refuse to employ blacks at will is no doubt an example of what Boris Johnson described as Young’s “caustic wit”.

However, he has now held his hands up and announced that he “regrets” having [been caught] making inappropriate remarks, and just to reassure students that he really is there for them and will be a strong voice in the promotion of their interests, he’s recorded this special song for us about how, really, deep down, he’s our friend:


Mosque update

Just a quick note: last month the Golders Green Mosque Martyrs expressed a concern that having an Islamic centre open in Golders Green would cause a serious threat to the Jewish community’s security.

I’m pleased to report that, a month on, the mortality rate in NW11 continues to be approximately the same as before; less than half of local Jews have been forced to make aliyah for their safety; and only six kosher shops have been ruthlessly driven out of business by newcomers to the neighbourhood.

I’ll keep you all posted as the year goes on.


Housing benefit

National department store group House of Fraser (with 59 branches across the UK and Ireland) has written to its landlords asking for “support” with the rent after a “difficult Christmas”.

This could mark a turning point in Big Business.

Other companies have now followed suit:

  • Pret a Manger has been seen visiting a food bank in Kentish Town.
  • Clifford Chance Solicitors have applied for legal aid.
  • nPower is claiming a Winter Fuel Payment to assist with heating costs.
  • Her Majesty’s Revenue & Customs is struggling to find the right form with which to claim tax credits.
  • Blue Arrow Recruitment is getting a weekly Jobseeker’s Allowa (I think we get the joke here. -Ed.)

And finally, a little romance

UKIP leader Henry Bolton has gone public with his significant other, 25-year-old model Jo Marney (pictured extreme right).

Following the obligatory inspection of Ms Marney’s Twitter history, it emerged that her views include calling Grenfell tower “a nest of illegal immigrants”, and suggesting that women who complained of sexual abuse by Harvey Weinstein are “whinging little divas”.

And I just wanted to close this new-year blog post by saying how lovely it is to see two people who are so perfectly matched end up together. In so many relationships, the revelation that one partner held disgusting opinions and expressed them in insensitive ways would rock the boat, perhaps even drive the couple apart.

But I think Henry Bolton and Jo Marney are stronger than that, and that Henry – on learning Jo’s views – will only become closer to her.

Which is lovely.

My credits are bigger than yours

Well, as the nuclear bomb of time is edited by the social media despot of destiny, and as the volunteer border guard of fate winkles out the economic migrant of eternity, it seems to be the end of the blog post.
In tonight’s episode, Donald Trump was played by Ernst Stavro Blofeld, and the Mosque Update will hopefully have reassured mosque martyr Sharon Shitpael. The new Students’ Tsar is Toby Young. This was an Gabrielquotes production!

Every Limmud panel discussion that you missed

In this year’s Limmud sketch, we comfort those of you who missed out on a much-desired panel discussion with this summary of what happened.

Chair: How should we deal with that incredibly complex thing that everybody wants solved but all the possible solutions of which make some people very angry? Let me start with Anna Lovelace, from the Campaign for Total Peace.

Anna: I believe in a harmonious solution to the problem, reliant on Jewish values of sh’lom bayit [interrupted by cries of “traitor” from the floor] and co-operation between Jews and non-Jews in the region [drowned out by yells of “collaborator” and bits of fruit peel and fish bones being thrown]

Chair: Now let’s hear the case from Stuart Cossey from the Truth and Fairness Alliance.

Stuart: We have to start from the position that the Jews are not at fault here, or anywhere. What is at fault is a global determination to be biased and share falsehoods akin to the classic blood libel [brief scratching sound as everyone in the audience under the age of 30 crosses “blood libel” off their Bullshit Bingo sheets], most likely fuelled by Islamist Labour Party members [subtle tapping sound as everyone in the audience under the age of 30 takes the mickey on Twitter or, for the more discreet, WhatsApp]

Chair: Let me bring Anthony Linter in here, Emeritus Professor of Topics at Ramphal University.

Anthony: Well, my team and I have been researching this issue for a number of years, and we’ve established some clear facts to guide the conversation. These are [loud snoring noise as the 95% of the audience who only got out of bed at 9:15 because they thought they’d get to hear a broiges realise that this is a good chance to sleep off the exertions of the night before]

Chair: Let’s open it up to questions from the floor [collective jump as the words “who would like to make a short speech” wake everyone up – these words were not actually said but hey, it’s Limmud] It would be great if we could keep all the questions brief and specific [everyone present was mentally speechwriting so didn’t hear this instruction] Yes, you sir, in the IDF kippah [extended disputation over which IDF-kippah-wearing man is allowed to speak]

A man in an IDF kippah: Wagamama is an institutionally anti-Semitic organisation.

Chair: Do you want to rephrase that as a question relevant to this session?

Man in an IDF kippah: Not really.

Chair: OK. Well… we’ll take questions in groups. So, you madam, with the glasses [extended disputation etc ad nauseam]

A woman with glasses who wasn’t the one the chair intended to speak: This isn’t a question as such [chair balks] but I just want to share a fascinating episode from my family history. My great-aunt Jemima was the Vilna Ga’on, and while she was imprisoned in Treblinka by the Irgun, she once shared a kiddish cup with [the 70% of the audience who are not genealogists nod off again]

Chair: [speaking over her because no force on this earth can interrupt the story] Can you bring your question to a conclusion please?

Woman with glasses: [who was speaking the whole time] …about how Hamas killed Queen Victoria?

Chair: Erm… Anthony?

Anthony: Actually, a project my team at Ramphal University carried out in 2009 found conclusively that the current time is 10:22 so it’s now time to finish this session.

Chair: [almost incandescent with relief] Well, thank you very much to our panellists, thank you to [slight shudder] the audience, and we hope you enjoy the rest of the day!