Tag: limmud

Limmud: the updated code of conduct

The Sages do not impose on the community a hardship which the majority cannot endure (bBava Batra 60b)

In the spirit of the above-mentioned Jewish heritage, for 2018 the Limmud Corporation Plc has decided dramatically to amend its code of conduct as follows:

Introduction

Limmud strives to be a place where Jews of all stripes can come together to elbow each other, tut at each other and buy drinks.

Our work is based on the following core values:

  • Food
  • No handouts
  • Colour coding
  • Hashtags

The behaviour we expect from participants

We aspire to a Limmud where everybody acts according to the highest standards of behaviour exemplified by the greatest Jewish leadership bodies of our generation: the Board of Deputies and the Knesset. May that time come soon and last forever, bimheira b’yameinu v’nomar amen.

Here are a few clear rules which apply to all participants, volunticipants, volunteers, participeers, chairs, co-chairs, tri-chairs, quadri-chairs, and anyone anywhere in the world who wears a purple lanyard:

  • At Limmud, anyone can be a teacher. No-one is any better or worse at teaching than anyone else. That’s why there’s no correlation whatsoever between room size and popularity of presenter.
  • If the fire alarm goes off, stand around looking hopefully for someone to come and bring you your coat and gloves or else for the fire just to self-extinguish. On no account leave the building unless you hear both the fire alarm and volunteers shouting at you to move.
  • Sit at the end of rows. One bonus point for tutting at anybody who wants to get past to use any of the 10 or so seats you’re obstructing. Two bonus points if you sit down at the end of a long table in the dining hall and totally block off the rest of it and contribute to the congestion there.
  • Save seats in the dining hall for people who won’t arrive until 20-30 minutes later if at all.
  • Keep the corridors moving by walking at a reasonable speed… then stop suddenly and without warning to look at your mobile and cause a mass pileup.
  • Ringtones during sessions please.
  • On no account take your meat dining ticket with you to the meat dining room. If you take your meat dining ticket with you to the meat dining room you have not fulfilled your duty.
  • If a presenter invites questions, give a comment. If they invite comments, ask a question. If they invite audience participation, keep awkwardly quiet. If they ask for silence, play the kazoo.
  • If a presenter says they’ll only take questions at the end, they definitely have something to hide. Barrack them repeatedly until they agree to an immediate cross-examination.
  • Thou shalt surely not suffer a panel discussion and live.
  • Whenever a comment is being made from the floor and you can’t hear properly, get all your friends to shout, “We can’t hear!” It is a well-known fact that the more voices shouting over someone, the easier it becomes to hear that person.
  • Your way of assembling a cup of tea is right. Anyone who wants to do it differently (hot water before milk, for instance, or vice versa if that’s how you do it) is wrong and their approach disrupts the proper way people are supposed to use the tea station and they should be tutted at.
  • If you’re stuck in a long queue and have a session to get to, ask the people in front if they’d mind if you go first. They won’t have a session to get to. The fact that this is a break between sessions isn’t anything to do with the fact that the queue is long. You have extenuating circumstances and should get priority.
  • There are not strange doors at the back of the Red, Orange and Blue rooms. You might believe you saw doors there, but you didn’t. Those doors do not exist. Don’t think about them. Don’t worry about them. There are no extra doors and they don’t go anywhere.
  • We’ve heard all the Nittel Nacht jokes before.
  • Don’t mention the (Six-Day) War.
  • Re. the revolving door at the entrance: scream if you want to go faster.

We hope that these guidelines are a better reflection of life here at Limmuddington Towers, and that this year, for the first time, we are not imposing on the community a hardship which the majority cannot endure.

Enjoy your Limmud Confival!

Every Limmud panel discussion that you missed

In this year’s Limmud sketch, we comfort those of you who missed out on a much-desired panel discussion with this summary of what happened.
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Chair: How should we deal with that incredibly complex thing that everybody wants solved but all the possible solutions of which make some people very angry? Let me start with Anna Lovelace, from the Campaign for Total Peace.

Anna: I believe in a harmonious solution to the problem, reliant on Jewish values of sh’lom bayit [interrupted by cries of “traitor” from the floor] and co-operation between Jews and non-Jews in the region [drowned out by yells of “collaborator” and bits of fruit peel and fish bones being thrown]

Chair: Now let’s hear the case from Stuart Cossey from the Truth and Fairness Alliance.

Stuart: We have to start from the position that the Jews are not at fault here, or anywhere. What is at fault is a global determination to be biased and share falsehoods akin to the classic blood libel [brief scratching sound as everyone in the audience under the age of 30 crosses “blood libel” off their Bullshit Bingo sheets], most likely fuelled by Islamist Labour Party members [subtle tapping sound as everyone in the audience under the age of 30 takes the mickey on Twitter or, for the more discreet, WhatsApp]

Chair: Let me bring Anthony Linter in here, Emeritus Professor of Topics at Ramphal University.

Anthony: Well, my team and I have been researching this issue for a number of years, and we’ve established some clear facts to guide the conversation. These are [loud snoring noise as the 95% of the audience who only got out of bed at 9:15 because they thought they’d get to hear a broiges realise that this is a good chance to sleep off the exertions of the night before]

Chair: Let’s open it up to questions from the floor [collective jump as the words “who would like to make a short speech” wake everyone up – these words were not actually said but hey, it’s Limmud] It would be great if we could keep all the questions brief and specific [everyone present was mentally speechwriting so didn’t hear this instruction] Yes, you sir, in the IDF kippah [extended disputation over which IDF-kippah-wearing man is allowed to speak]

A man in an IDF kippah: Wagamama is an institutionally anti-Semitic organisation.

Chair: Do you want to rephrase that as a question relevant to this session?

Man in an IDF kippah: Not really.

Chair: OK. Well… we’ll take questions in groups. So, you madam, with the glasses [extended disputation etc ad nauseam]

A woman with glasses who wasn’t the one the chair intended to speak: This isn’t a question as such [chair balks] but I just want to share a fascinating episode from my family history. My great-aunt Jemima was the Vilna Ga’on, and while she was imprisoned in Treblinka by the Irgun, she once shared a kiddish cup with [the 70% of the audience who are not genealogists nod off again]

Chair: [speaking over her because no force on this earth can interrupt the story] Can you bring your question to a conclusion please?

Woman with glasses: [who was speaking the whole time] …about how Hamas killed Queen Victoria?

Chair: Erm… Anthony?

Anthony: Actually, a project my team at Ramphal University carried out in 2009 found conclusively that the current time is 10:22 so it’s now time to finish this session.

Chair: [almost incandescent with relief] Well, thank you very much to our panellists, thank you to [slight shudder] the audience, and we hope you enjoy the rest of the day!