Tag: gabriel webber

The plague’s the thing: the Pesach 5778 special

What does the wicked son say? “What does all this mean to you?” And his father replies: “To me but not to you?” Has it really never occurred to anyone before that the father is clearly Paul ‘to me, to you’ Chuckle?

Anyway, it’s that time of year again, so why not sit down, lean to the left and click below to watch this year’s edition of Pesach News!

Latest on nerve gas attack

Attack possibly linked to Russian agents – Home Secretary rejects speculation – Victims of nerve gas found stumbling around blindly acting irrationally

Police and health authorities are working round the clock to find an antidote as 52% of the electorate has been found blundering around the UK acting irrationally and making stupid decisions.

Speculation is growing that the Russian secret service is responsible for the entire episode, which is being blamed either on nerve gas or on sinister false Twitter accounts.

Home Secretary Amber Rudd told reporters, “This speculation from doctors, IT specialists and other professionals is not helpful. We want to go ahead based on reality rather than on facts or expert opinion.”

Theresa May added, “I’m getting on with the job.”

Draft withdrawal agreement published

The chief negotiators for both sides have this month published a draft withdrawal agreement setting out the terms of the Israelites’ exodus from Egypt.

Key terms include the proposal for a transition period of 40 years, during which time the Israelites will continue to be allowed to subsist in the Sinai wilderness and trade on preferential terms with other member tribes including the Midianites, the Moabites, the Ammonites, the Fridaynites and the Hazelnutineverybites.

The agreement also provides for any Israelites who wish to continue living in Egypt after withdrawal, and on the status of Egyptians who will be exiting along with the Israelites. The latter will continue to have the right to attend public Torah readings.

One sticking point appears to be airspace rights (the Egyptians are resolute that the Israelites’ Angel of Death will have no right to fly through Egyptian airspace after withdrawal), and another is the issue of a hard border at the Red Sea, something which the Israelites are strongly resisting.

The negotiations continue.

Minting it

We’re all being treated to a series of 26 new designs of 10p coin, each celebrating an aspect of Britain starting with a given letter of the alphabet. Some of them are fairly reasonable (Fish and chips, NHS, Queuing), but some are slightly more specious: the opening word of ‘World wide web’ suggests that it is, by its nature, global. I’m pretty sure that ‘Ice cream’ (pictured right) is Italian, and ‘X marks the spot’ is just not really a thing, British or otherwise.

So as a public service, I’ve decided to unveil my own series of more accurate, all-British, alphabetical coin design proposals:

  • Apologising
  • Bulgarians taking all our jobs
  • Cornish nationalism
  • Delay Repay
  • EDL
  • Free speech whether snowflakes like it or not
  • Golders Green becoming overrun by Muslims
  • Hungarians taking all our jobs
  • Indian takeaways
  • Jacob Rees-Mogg
  • King Charles III
  • London house prices
  • MPs’ expenses
  • Neasden
  • One-way systems
  • PC gone mad
  • Qataris buying all our housing
  • Royal weddings
  • Snow days
  • Tabloid cancer warnings
  • University managers’ salaries
  • VE Day should be a national holiday
  • We tried to call but you were out
  • X marks the ‘Leave’ box on the ballot paper
  • Yellow lines
  • Zambians taking all our jobs

Nirtzah

Our blog post is now completed. We’ve made the jokes, satirised the pillocks, shown disrespect to everyone and everything. Let us be pleased that we have done so in freedom and in safety; next year on an internet redeemed.

[Hieroglyphic for ‘Credits’]

Well, as the wicked son of time is chastised open by the father of destiny, and as the midwife of fate subversively delivers the Hebrew baby of eternity, it seems to be the end of the blog post.
In tonight’s episode, the the coins were produced by the Royal Mint and the draft withdrawal agreement was produced by the Secretary of State for Exiting Egypt. The nerve agent was spread either by Russia or by Russia. The news was brought to you by the Biblical Broadcasting Corporation. This was an Gabrielquotes production!

Vashti and the crisps (a Purim special)

The Book of Vashti

Allegations of inappropriate behaviour are “under investigation” by the Lord Chamberlain

In the third year of his reign, King Ahasuerus held a banquet for one thousand of his subjects. For three days they feasted and drank wine. And the rule for the drinking was: anyone who touches five or more waitresses inappropriately gets free membership of the Presidents Club.

And on the fourth day of the banquet the King summoned Vashti his queen. He sent a message to her, carried by a courtier. And this is what the message said:

“The lord your King summons you to his feast in the Great Hall. You need have no fears about attending: for the King has bought you some special ladies’ Doritos that will not get crumbs on your ladylike fingers. And behold, your King is a very stable King; mark this well, your King is a genius. And his word must be obeyed.”

But Vashti his queen did not wish to eat ladies’ Doritos. Thus, she sent back word to the King to say:

“No, I will not come to your banquet. I will stay here in the hareem and eat the proper Doritos what we have here.”

And the King was much incensed. And his anger waxed sore strong, perhaps inflamed by the spicy, manly flavours of the masculine tortilla chips he was eating. And he expelled Vashti from his royal palace, and he decreed that she should be his queen no more. Thus, Vashti went out from Shushan the capital city to buy some Pringles.

In time, the King came to want a new queen. So he summoned Haman his vizier (Boo! -Ed) and bade him organise a beauty contest, so that the most beauteous virgin in the land could be his new queen. Haman, though, was hard of understanding, and he misunderstood the King’s orders. While the King had bade him organise a beauty contest, Haman built gallows in order to kill the Jewish people.

When Haman’s misdeeds came to the King’s ears, his anger once again waxed sore strong. And he raged, “I shall surely hang you from your own gallows, Haman!”

But Haman pleaded with the King, “Sire! You have the wrong man before you. It was not me who did the deed that has so angered you. It was Dave!

However, the King had made up his mind, and had Haman hanged on his own gallows. And from that day forward, the Jews celebrated their salvation from Haman by pretending that he had triangular ears for no apparent reason.

Modern-day Hamans, volume 94

Her Majesty’s Coroner for Inner North London, Mary Hassell (pictured) is causing problems by insisting that bereaved Jews who want to bury their dead quickly in accordance with our religious teachings should, er, just pull ourselves togegther.

Of course, having such a high and mighty image of herself, she no doubt thinks that she is the very model of an inner London coroner… and you can hear her sing all about it by clicking on the red ‘play’ icon below.


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Disclaimer: I’m poking fun at just how wrong Coroner Hassell’s policy is, but as you’ll read in this sermon, we shouldn’t try to bully her into changing it either.

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Something rotten in the Commonwealth

The Commonwealth (pictured) has been meeting in order to decide “secretly” who should take over as its leader when the Queen drops off the perch. As usual, Gabrielquotes dot com slash www dot net is here to look at the runners and riders.

At 2:1, it’s Jacob Rees-Mogg. Who better to head up the last remnant of the Empire than, er, the lsat remnant of the Empire?

At 7:3 [please note that I really know nothing about betting odds so these ones might not even make sense; by 7:3 I basically mean something not enormously likely but also at the same time not enormously unlikely] it’s a 2nd-class stamp. We all love Her Maj – and give her a good licking from time to time – so why not stick with a winning formula just because it’s beyond the grave?

At 12:1 [getting significantly unlikely now] it’s Meghan Markle. The racist British right seems angered that black people are allowed into the Royal fam; this is a beautiful opportunity to annoy them yet further!

At 500:1, they could just disband the whole thing and not keep going with a silly post-imperialist enterprise? But nah, that would be too sensible.

Watch this space for further updates after my treason trial.

Thoughts and prayers update

Following this month’s tragic school shooting, politicians from across the United States have rallied round to speak in defence of the right to delay the enactment of an important social and legislative reform.

Chuck Denizen (R-MT) told reporters, “It’s times such as this, when our eternal American freedoms are under attack, that it is all the more important for us to use our thoughts and prayers as a means of evading public pressure to act.”

Meanwhile, National Rifle Association president Stu L Munnetcampbell III said, “Make no mistake: this latest outrage was not caused by a gun. Therefore it wasn’t an outrage. In fact, no crime has been perpetrated by a gun in the continental United States for over 40 years. And anyone who says otherwise is a Russian troll in the pay of Hillary Clinton.”

The wait for a Second Amendment Amendment continues.

Mosque update

Following on from January’s Mosque Update, I promised to check in whenever there was more news.

Well, one of the concerns originally raised by the Golders Green Mosque Martyrs was that an increased concentration of Muslims could delay ambulances seeking to drive past on their way to the Royal Free Hospital.

Fortunately, experience has shown these fears not to have reached that crucial threshold of ‘reality’ which separates the barking and racist from the merely ‘true’. Only yesterday, I noticed an ambulance going past the mosque, and the only delay to its journey was caused by a 268 bus – which, being so plainly innocent of global terror that even the Mosque Martrys can’t fabricate a case implicating it, doesn’t seem such a problem.

So all good for the moment.

Creditae, creditatum, creditato

Well, as the cadaver of time is cut open by the coroner of destiny, and as the funeral director of fate waits impatiently outside the cemetery of eternity, it seems to be the end of the blog post.
In tonight’s episode, the Coroner for Inner North London was played by Mary Hassell, and the indictee was portrayed by Binyamin Netanyahu. Gun crime was perpetuated by Donald Trump and the Commonwealth was run by dear old Blighty. This was an Gabrielquotes production!