Tag: gabriel webber

The very White House

white-house-lit-up-like-rainbow-to-celebrate-marriage-equality-social1So it’s happened: orange is the new black and Russia’s the American people’s choice has been put into action.

In one final piece of epic vandalism designed to annoy Trump, the leftist mainstream media painted the historic building in rainbow colours (see photo right) and bribed Kenyan-born Barack Hussein Obama to release transgender traitor Bradley Manning from prison with a $5 million cheque paid for by the American taxpayer. (Why did you let Breitbart write your blog? -Ed.)

At the inauguration ceremony, which was attended by the entire population of the northern hemisphere, Ronald McDonald shyly offered his thanks to the Board of Deputies for that congratulatory message back in November, before announcing:

The bible tells us how good and pleasant it is when god’s people live together in unity.

Whiny Jews will immediately recognise that as having been a quote from Sol Tevel’s famous rendition (Shurely ‘extraordinary rendition’? -Ed.) of Hineh Mah Tov, albeit with the words “in peace and unity” replaced with “in Washington DC”.

Then he swore the oath – “If you’ll preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States and you know it, clap your hands” – and assumed control of a nuclear arsenal along with other fledgling football teams.

The United States is not just welcoming a new President, but a whole range of Cabinet members:

  • The State Department will be rolling out the red carpet for Rex Tillerson, who famously told reporters “the world is going to have to continue using fossil fuels, whether they like it or not” while he just happened to be the chief of ExxonMobil.
  • To the Treasury, put your hands together for Steven Mnuchin, the first ever Cabinet member with a typo in his surname.
  • The new Secretary of Defense, the first ever Cabinet post with a typo in its title, will be James Mattis who supports a two-state solution and says the settlements are a barrier to peace. I’m kind of fine with that.
  • Housing and Urban Development will be masterminded by Ben Carson who, when running for President himself, outlined a desire to make Isis “look like losers” – but the American people ultimately decided that they would prefer Isis actually to be losers.
  • The Secretary of Labor (there’s no I in ‘team’ and there’s no U in ‘labor’) is to be Andrew Puzder, who controversially advertised his chain of fast-food restaurants with photos of bikini-clad women designed to appeal to the “hungry young guy” demographic: but Trump grabbed him by the pussy and he’s now in the Cabinet.
  • Chief of Staff Reince Priebus is the exception that proves ‘I before E except after C’.

Robin Harrow: my dairy*

The recent Al Jazeera ‘sting’ revealing that the State of Israel is, er, pro-Israel turned a lot of heads. Towards Ofcom.

img-20161221-wa0000-635x3571But what of their undercover reporter, the sinister figure known only as “Robin Harrow” (pictured far left)? What is his take on the whole affair?

MONDAY
I try to open a new bank account but the clerk gets very suspicious because I keep forgetting my name.
“Robin Harrow” doesn’t exist any more, I tell myself. But he’s still with me, somehow, like Mr Hyde.
At least the first episode of The Lobby is screened tomorrow evening so that will be a feather in Robin’s cap.
My cap.

TUESDAY
I really could not be more angry. Bloody months I spent infiltrating Zionist lobby groups. And what’s the reaction to my scoop? Nothing. “No shit Sherlock” was what the Jewish News had to say. Meshuggers, they are.
Oy gevalt, I’m livid. Oh wait. That’s one of his phrases. I don’t say oy gevalt. Only Robin. Damn.

WEDNESDAY
aj-1Episode two showed the brave Jackie Walker defending her right to say that Jews were responsible for the slave trade. I watch it while eating my lunch: a bagel, some Bisli and a finely-chopped tomato and cucumber salad.
Still bitterly disappointed by how calmly everyone’s treating the things I discovered. Israel is paying people to promote its interests abroad! It’s a global scandal. When are people going to wake up, nu? Just imagine if America or Germany paid people to promote its interests abroad.

THURSDAY
Some officer from the Jewish Board of Deputies had the chutzpah to suggest that it was unethical of me to pretend to be pro-Israel. “Why?” I ask, “Yachad does it all the time and you don’t complain about them.” “I do, actually,” he said.
Oh.

FRIDAY
As soon as three stars emerge, I light candles. Then I stop. What am I doing? That was Robin’s doing. Part of me is Robin. How do I shake this off? Aaaaarggghhh.

*as told to Gabriel Webber

Supreme Court issues unexciting judgment

The railings on the left were put up by an openly gay ex-fencer

The railings on the left were put up by an openly gay ex-fencer

In a dress rehearsal for its release of the exciting Brexit judgment tomorrow, the Supreme Court last week revealed a less-than-exciting judgment about the syntax bus drivers should use when seating passengers.

Five justices agreed with transport company FirstGroup that its drivers could not require able-bodied passengers to vacate a wheelchair space so as to accommodate a wheelchair user, but they also agreed with the claimant, Doug Paulley, that the drivers should engage in “some attempt at further persuasion or pressure”.

I took a look at the BBC Bitesize advice page on ‘Writing to persuade’ and they suggest:

  • Repeat yourself
  • Be personal

So perhaps bus drivers could say something like:

Move. Move. Move. Fatso.

Or something.

path3009

The news in briefs

  • Two men in Devon face imprisonment for swallowing a goldfish. However, the prosecution is on the verge of collapse after a key witness insists that they have no memory whatsoever of the incident.
  • A library book in San Fransisco has just been returned 100 years after its due date. Rather confusingly, it was A Brief History of Time.
Two midwives

Two midwives

  • The Chinese city of Xi’an has designated short-stay parking spaces for drivers to use while urinating by the roadside – and slightly-longer-stay parking places for drivers who have eaten unhygenically.
  • Two midwives in Sweden are offering courses in ‘how to deliver a baby in a car’ after Ikea cancelled its free next-day baby delivery service.
  • A deer in Ashdown Forest has been rescued from an electric fence in which it caught its antlers. Fire officers said, “These stag night antics have to stop.”

trump-protests

The undercover credits

Well, as the Cabinet member of time is accepted by the Senate committee of destiny, and as the First Family of fate retreats into the Presidential Library of eternity, it seems to be the end of the blog post.
In tonight’s episode, Robin Harrow was played by █████████ ██████, and the Supreme Court took ages to decide a case about buses after which two came along at once. Andrew Puzder was played by a hungry young guy. This was an Gabrielquotes production!

No queues please, we’re Jewish: a Limmud sketch

Limmud has a meat dining room. It opens at 6pm each evening and, being much smaller than the regular dining room, participants are only allowed to eat there on one of the four nights of Conference (a token must be handed in for the privilege). On other occasions we’re sentenced to the cavernous main dining room and a tragic life un-meated.

Last night I went for my meat dinner. This is the story of what happened.

5:45pm – join queue, about five metres long.

5.46pm – elderly couple from Manchester casually stroll down the corridor, get into a chat with the family in front of me. Overhear a conversation, “Will the pork be glatt kosher?”

5.48pm – elderly couple from Manchester begin drifting forward in the queue, keeping up with the family in front.

5.51pm – elderly couple from Manchester are now basically fully ensconced ahead of me in the queue. Classic chat-and-cut manoeuvre and very artfully executed (as, no doubt, the animals being served inside were).

5.55pm – queue reaches far end of corridor. Overhear a conversation: “We don’t use the term ‘annexation’. We use the term ‘extending civilian control’.”

5.56pm – queue begins bending back on itself in an Escher-like spiral, so those who have been waiting for 10 minutes begin to rub shoulders with those who only just turned up.

5.58pm – queue-jumpers turn out in droves.

5.59pm – all distinctions between the two columns of the doubled-up queue totally break down. Family members who had had ‘places saved for them’ begin arriving; queue officially begins growing in width rather than length.

6pm – meat dining room opens bang on time in orderly fashion. Oh no wait, that’s what would happen if we were an orderly people. Just my little joke. Overhear a conversation, “I was listening in and I was just astonished at how fascist she was!”

6.04pm – people at the back of the queue(s) assume that the dining room must be open by now so start pressing forward.

6.05pm – doors of dining room buckle dangerously inwards.

6.06pm – dining room opens. People who had been at the front leaning on the doors fall into the room in comical style.

6.07pm – people file in.

6.08pm – proceedings grind to a halt as it transpires that 20-30% of those in the queue don’t have their meat meal tokens but want their extenuating circumstances to be considered in depth by the bemused teenage volunteers desperately trying to maintain order and a monopoly on the legitimate use of force.

6.16pm – admitted to dining room. Enter clever one-way system around the self-service food counters.

6.19pm – successfully compile meal. Wait patiently to leave one-way system.

6.20pm – wait patiently to leave one-way system.

6.21pm – wait patiently to leave one-way system.

6.22pm – wait patiently to leave one-way system.

6.23pm – wait to leave one-way system.

6.25pm – realise that both ends of one-way system converge on one narrow thoroughfare.

6.26pm – violate the Highway Code’s rules on box junctions and force my way out of the labyrinth. Take a seat near the entrance.

6.31pm – realise that sitting near the entrance is like living in a show-flat and everyone walking in peers closely at my plate for a sneak preview of the meal (it was Chinese themed as it happens, as people discovered by Peking at my plate).

6.32pm – FOOD!

PS: I do love Limmud though.