We need strong and stable blog posts

The stuff of nightmares

Now, please appreciate that I speak as an Official Election Observer accredited by the Electoral Commission; as a long-time returning officer; as someone who reads Schofield’s Election Law for fun and who did their dissertation on electoral dispute resolution.

Nevertheless:

I am bloody bored of this election.

I’d barely got over 2015, and now we have to go through the whole, irritating, sorry business again, this time with one leader who let me down by calling the election when she said she wouldn’t; one who literally has fewer MPs in Parliament than there are pandas in America; and Jeremy Corbyn. Dire stuff.

One of the main stars so far has definitely been Gisela Allen of UKIP. Her proposal to bring back the guillotine got a lot of coverage, however even better was her bizarre outburst, “Kidney transplants, heart transplants – come off it.” Er – right. Sounds sensible to me.

The desperately dull general election follows hot on the heels of desperately duller local elections, in which Labour and UKIP were basically wiped out but nevertheless released defiant statements claiming not to have been wiped out (they’ve had months to plan for this, why couldn’t they think of something more convincing?)

Former John Lewis managing director Andy Street is the new Mayor the West Midlands; and let’s face it, if anybody can give us stable leadership, it’s a mare. In his victory speech, Mr Street revealed that his first new policy will be to redesignate the entire population of Coventry as “partners” rather than mere citizens.

But above all, my heart really goes out to David Dimbleby. The poor guy has fronted almost every election night since the 1980s, staying up long past his bedtime to interview Patricia Hewitt. He had planned to step down after the 2015 election and pass on the 2020 baton to Huw Edwards. But this unexpected early ballot has called him out of retirement – and I suspect he’s not happy about it. Here’s his song, entitled quite simply, Let Me Go:


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Hamas introduce new customer charter

Suicide bombs with a smile

Everyone’s favourite terrorist organisation, Hamas (motto: Never knowingly underground), is hoping to improve its image by introducing a new charter.

New, more conciliatory clauses include a condemnation of “anti-human Zionist aggressors”, and a timely reminder that terrorist violence “remains a legitimate right, duty and honour” for its members. Nice.

Alongside introducing cutesey one-eyed mascots, the latest charter also guarantees consumers a “more responsive service”, greater punctuality of knife attacks, and speedy resolution of customer complaints.

Holders of the myJihad card will also be entitled to a free coffee and copy of Protocols of the Elders of Zion every time they spend more than £10.

Another plan to increase Hamas’s popularity has involved senior operatives being loaned to the BBC as extras on hit crime drama Line of Duty.

The first syllable of its name is still a meat forbidden in both Judaism and Islam, though, so until they change it they won’t get my vote.

Banksy on Brexit

Banksy’s latest artwork features a workman removing one of the stars from the EU flag, marking Britain’s exit from the European Union.

Residents of Dover, where the painting can be found, are not terribly impressed, one commenting:

When are the ‘remainer camp’ going to realise the stars don’t represent member states?

It’s almost as if they don’t understand what art is.

Another Brexit-supporting reader of the Kent Online website (ie the other half of its readership) wondered:

Has Brussels paid him to do this?

But I thought Brussels only paid people for doing nothing?

Nous avons besoin d’un leadership solide et stable

I know who I favoured for President of France

It’s not just Britain that’s suffered an election. In France, a nail-biting contest was cancelled in order not to distract from the presidential election, in which one candidate who wishes she’d been born fifty years earlier so as not to miss the golden era of fascism faced off against another who thinks he should have got paid royalties when the film Notes on a Scandal was released.

The election got nasty in the final few days, with Marine Le Pen claiming that Monsieur Macron had an “offshore bank account in the Bahamas” – which she found objectionable because she needs the Bahamas as a slave colony to deport unwanted minorities to.

Election day itself was not without moments of crisis. According to the BBC:

…although that was nothing to the five even greater tits who were outside canvassing on behalf of the Front National. (The BBC also added that “a lot of French media are tweeting about the birds” but that’s just silly.)

Macron had the backing of senior clergy from France’s Christian, Muslim and Jewish communities, who issued an unpresidented joint statement condemning Le Pen. This led one disgruntled commenter on the Jewish News Facebook page to say:

Suicidal rabbi voting for Vichy Nazi EU Islam axis?!

I think some of his verbs got lost in cyberspace.

Whither Silver?

Something went wrong with the hotel booking on the last Royal visit to Norway

With the retirement of Philip ‘this looks like it was done by an Indian’ Duke of Edinburgh, there is a vacancy available for someone to have the popular outdoor activity awards named after them.

Here at Gabrielquotes Towers we look at the runners and hikers:

  • At odds of 5/3, Prince George, who will be introducing a special new award for escaping a baby-leash while sporting a snazzy dressing gown
  • 4/3: Evan Millet, owner of the popular tent, sleeping bag and middle-class grain empire
  • Evens: Camilla. Smash the patriarchy.
  • At 3/8 it’s Nigel Farage: he knows he could win it but probably won’t run just to prove how confident he is about his chances
  • At 2/17: Bear Grylls. If he can grill a bear he can run an award scheme.
  • 25/1: all the people who Prince Philip has insulted, abused and racially degraded during his ninety years of public service. Because we like to think that reparation is a thing.
  • 50/1: erm…
  • 55/1: that’s it.

Jews

Just a note that those of you professing the Jewish religion may wish to see my growing collection of Jewish educational resources by clicking on the word ‘here’: here.

I do recognise that what we need is strong and stable credits

Well, as the terrorist organisation of time amends the charter of destiny, and as the Prime Minister of fate circumvents the Fixed-term Parliaments Act of eternity, it seems to be the end of the blog post.
In tonight’s episode, the political parties were all really annoying and Hamas wasn’t much good either. The Duke of Edinburgh was played by Prince Philip and Banksy by some anonymous bloke with a can o’ paint. David Dimbleby has confirmed that he will be staying up all night, and it won’t even by Shavuot. Macron has a dodgy relationship with his wife but at least he’s not openly racist. This was an Gabrielquotes production!

The Legs-odus: Pesach special 2017

Phwoar, look at those bodies. Moses demands a free nation for his people, the Pharaoh says ‘better together’, and both strip to the waist as they plan Egypt’s future.

In our special edition today, we objectify all the personalities involved and generally ignore the important issues altogether.

But first, kick off your shoes, grab a boiled egg, lean to the left and relax as you watch this year’s edition of Pesach News brought to you by the Biblical Broadcasting Corporation!


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Tubeballs

Since I’ve been in employment it’s been harder for me to blog ‘stupid quotes what I heard’ without causing widespread (and entirely reasonable) offence.

Picture the scene

But on Monday I was fortunate enough to sit opposite two hysterically funny men – visibly stoned out of their minds – on the Tube so I can share their conversation, which had all their fellow passengers in stitches. Let’s call them Jim and Chris:

Chris: [gets up and sits on floor] I can no longer sit next to a man who neglects……. sweets.

Jim: [earnestly to the woman opposite] But what does society give back to people who give to society?

Chris: Percy Pigs! Have you tried them? Great bit of clobber.

Jim: [who is clearly the philosopher of the pair] And you know that attack at Westminster, how many people were standing and recording it…

Chris: Six?

Jim: …without trying to help…

Chris: Seven?

Jim: …That’s society today.

Chris: Fourteen?

Jim: And you know, I was with Shakespeare this afternoon.

Chris: He was a thief!

Jim: I know. He stole a black woman’s rhymes.

Chris: No, he stole my nan’s hot water bottle. It was her favourite one, too, with the polka dots. She never got over it. She died of diabetes three weeks later. [Turns suddenly to me] Do you know if this train stops at Euston?

Me: No, we’re past Finchley now.

Chris: You knew that?

Me: Yes…

Chris: [hurt and shocked] And you didn’t say anything?

They weren’t threatening at all, just really entertaining.

Rock on

Who wouldn’t want a bit of this?

From 24 June 2016 until 30 March 2017, Gibraltar was regarded as 95.9% Remoaner, undemocratic, unpatriotic, desperate to give up hard-won British sovereignty to any passing foreigner.

But on 31 March, everything changed. As soon as Spain started making noises about retaking control, it turned out that the Gibraltarians are quintessentially British, a vital part of our nation, and to be defended from the ravages of foreign sovereignty whatever the cost.

Gibraltar last had a referendum in 2002, when citizens were offered the prospect of introducing Spanish rule. There were claims at the time that “Spanish secret agents were making use of secret funds” to exert a sinister, pro-Spain influence over affairs. (No-one expects the Spanish intervention! -Ed.)

Given that the result was: 17,900 for British rule; 187 for joint rule, one has to question whether the ‘secret Spanish funds’ offered Spain value for money.

Ken or lo?

The news that serial anti-Semite and former Mayor of London Ken Livingstone has been allowed to keep his place in the Labour Party despite going on national radio to claim Hitler was a Zionist has not gone down especially well with the Jewish community: especially since the suspension will not preclude him from, er, attending and voting at party meetings, which sounds suspiciously like full membership.

Meanwhile, the news that glorious pro-Palestine, anti-racist trailblazing campaigner Ken Livingstone has been suspended for two years simply for speaking the truth to those awful fascist Zionist pigs has not gone down especially well with the anti-Israel community.

So Labour’s National Constitutional Committee has managed to please literally nobody – echoes of Jeremy Corbyn there.

Ken’s gracious reaction was to say that, sitting through the disciplinary proceedings, he felt as if he were in “a court in North Korea”. Let us not forget that North Korean firing squads execute upwards of 60 people every year. Suspension from membership (while retaining all the benefits of membership) is a sanction only rarely dished out by Kim Jong-un.

Ken’s other gracious reaction was:

I cannot tell you the number of Jewish people who came up to me who said ‘I know what you said is true’.

Presumably the reason he can’t tell us how many is that the number rhymes with ‘hero’ and it’s a bit embarrassing.

Whose ’plane is it anyway?

I’ve never been in the position of having to share a car with someone else who lives in my house, but I got an insight into just how fraught that must be when I read about the recent double-booking of the nation’s favourite carshare, RAF Voyager, a military aeroplane jointly owned by the Queen and the Prime Minister.

There was an awkward double-booking this week. Prince Charles wanted it (“Pleeeeeaassee, mum!”) to go on a trip to Italy, while Theresa May needed it for her official visit to Saudi Arabia (because obviously her speech about the fate of EU migrant workers post-Brexit would never have worked had she delivered it in the UK).

Something what Prince Charles’s painter might of painted (a Renault Scenic vista)

The diary clash nearly caused a constitutional crisis, which was narrowly averted when the two parties came to an amicable agreement that the Royal family is more important than the elected government of the day so should get first dibs – although Philip Hammond called ‘bagsie’ so I feel he’s been pretty hard-done-by.

Prince Charles was accompanied on his jolly to Italy by “his personal doctor, a hairdresser for the Duchess [presumably this means the Duchess went too but it’s not entirely clear] and an artist to capture scenic vistas”. By ‘capture’, I imagine this means ‘seize and bring back to dear old England to display in the British Museum like wot we did with the Elgin Marbles’.

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Enemies of the people (or: Those South Americans know how to do it)

The BBC says:

Eat your heart out, Guy Fawkes.

Elsewhere in South America, justices of the Venezuelan Supreme Court gave their brethren abroad a lesson in how really to subvert democracy and seize control of a country.

None of this lily-livered openly-gay ex-fencer stuff. None of this ‘Parliamentary sovereignty’ stuff. The Venezuelan judges took decisive action by abolishing the legislature and giving themselves ultimate authority to write and revoke all laws.

But still, by all means continue threatening Gina Miller.

What did the Victorians ever do to us?

In other final court of appeal with unlimited civil jurisdiction news, the Supreme Court has handed down judgment in the long-awaited Too cool for school case (past blogs ad nauseam), in which an impoverished single father courageously took on the evil and sinister Establishment in a bid to vindicate his right to take his daughter out of school in order that she shouldn’t miss out on a holiday to Disney World.

Unfortunately, the malevolent Supreme Court cruelly found against Mr Platt, and made the utterly outrageous decision that jaunts to Florida during term-time do not constitute “regular” attendance at school as required by law.

The news brought loony libertarian nuts out in droves, with complaints of human rights violations, nanny states, over-privileged judges, “This means that by law only rich families are allowed to go on holiday”, “Can I sue my child’s school every time they have an INSET day then?”, “Kids learn more on holiday than in lessons anyway”, etc etc.

Most disturbing were those who complained about the state “not letting parents control their children” – because after all, what’s the point in becoming a parent if you don’t acquire control over another human life. Sod their best interests, it’s all about control!

Education has been compulsory in this country since about the 1880s (“Bloody PC-gone-mad 21st century liberal wimps”) and all over the world, there are children living in dire circumstances, maybe working in sweatshops, who would give anything to have the educational opportunities that British children have as of right.

So I find Mr Platt’s attitude rather irksome and wish he would stop. Thanks.

Turns out the 40 years in the Wilderness were actually 39 years and 4 months

The loneliness of the moderately-long-distance runner

So apparently, all this time, the ‘13.1-mile’ Brighton half-marathon was actually 146 metres too short.

What makes it doubly bizarre is that The Guardian reported the total distance in imperial and the shortfall in metric. Lucky we’re about to leave the EU so that particular confusion will soon be cleared up.

Martin Harrigan, the race’s organiser, told reporters: “We fully understand the impact of this news.”

Honestly – on a 2016-17 scale of bad news, the revelation that people who thought they were running 21,082m were actually running 11.3 nautical miles really does not count as ‘severe’.

Nirtzah

Gabrielquotes dot org dot uk Limited dot com is delighted to wish all his readers a joyous Pesach. May your seder have more green leaves than salt water, and I’ll see you next year in Jerusalem. (Mine’s a large shoko.)