What a burqa

Email address in the box on the right, there’s a good chap.
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The Daily Express printed the following furious headline last week:

daily-express

What they omitted to mention was that the ‘ban’ extended only to a one-off two-hour event held outside the Stoke-on-Trent venue’s regular opening times, aimed at Muslim women.

Obviously it’s scandalous for service providers in a democracy to seek to include people from all faith groups, so the Daily Express’ outrage was amply justified.

stoke-on-trent-waterworld

One comment on the Daily Mail website said: “It’s discrimination. If the pool banned gay people everyone would be up in arms about it.” Well, actually I suspect the person who wrote that comment probably wouldn’t, but it also didn’t seem like an entirely fair comparison.

However, let nobody say this is just a trendy lefty website that stifles alternative views with all the censorial power of a totalitarian state (I did actually receive a complaint along those lines last month, from a Mrs Trellis of North Salford. -Ed.).

For that reason, please find below an audio message from one of the English Defence League activists who is angry about Stoke-on-Trent’s Muslim inclusion scandal:


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No silliness please, we’re British

The-Simpsons-s04e15-I-Love-Lisa[1]Education secretary Nicky Morgan – who recently embarassed herself by congratulating Ireland for adopting equal marriage despite voting against it in England – has appointed a classroom behaviour tzar to clamp down on silliness in schools.

This senior central government appointment by a Cabinet minister will respond to some of the more serious problems facing Britain, such as children “making silly comments and passing notes around class”.

The lucky tzar, former bouncer Tom Bennett, is “the latest in a string of behaviour gurus brought in by governments” – but none of them have been especially successful in their brief of stopping low-level disruption…


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shot on iphone 6

Sussex Center for [the Study of] Corruption

keithvaz2Keith Vaz MP appears to have got quite the wrong idea of Professor Hough’s corruption course. He’s been exposed for trying to pull favours with the Sussex University management to get a pal of his a place to study there.

However, Gabrielquotes has conveniently managed to obtain a copy of the lucky pal’s UCAS statement explaining why they wanted to study at Falmer’s august seat of learning:

keith-vaz-ucas

Scot free

bulls-eyes-190x190[1]An island in the Hebrides has been left highland reeling by its first recorded thefts in decades, as some sweets were stolen from the village shop, followed – the very next day – by some shower gel from a beauty store.

Reports described the community, which suffered its last serious crime in 1968 (the theft of a wooden plate), as “in turmoil” over the “crimewave”. Kind of gives a new meaning to the term ‘petty theft’ really.

Police are looking for a criminal with a splinter in their stomach, a pleasant smell and a sugar high.

He’s black!

Judy%20Mozes_U[1]Judy Mozes (pictured), wife of Israeli deputy Prime Minister Silvan Shalom, has been in trouble this week for tweeting a racist remark about President Obama.

“Do you know what Obama coffee is? Black and weak,” she told her followers.

In a rather half-hearted apology later that day, she explained that she hadn’t actually been racist herself as she’d merely been repeating “a stupid joke somebody told me”. Because intentionally repeating hate speech is, as we know, absolutely fine.

I dread to think what she would say Rachel Dolezal coffee is…

MySweatshopSwap.com

BBC staff have been roundly criticised for using a distasteful website called MyInternSwap to offer internships to the children of other middle-class families in exchange for their parents likewise offering internships, in KPMG or Pinsent Masons or whatever other glitzy workplace they inhabit.

But if the website is distasteful, what is staggeringly distasteful is its “orphan scheme”. This facility, presented as the operator’s lefty social mobility corporate-socially-responsible side, “allow[s] larger employers to offer placements for teenagers whose parents cannot provide placements in return.”

It's a hard knock life

It’s a hard knock life

Orphan scheme?!

Oliver said, somewhat alarmed at his own temerity: “Please, sir, I want an internshp at PriceWaterhouseCoopers.”

The website operator aimed a blow at Oliver’s head with the ladle. He rushed to see his board. “I beg your pardon, sir! Oliver Twist has asked for an internship at PriceWaterhouseCoopers!”

There was a general start. Horror was depicted on every countenance.

“At PriceWaterhouseCoopers!” said the chairman. “Do I understand that he asked for this internship, even though he has no parents to offer one in return?”

“He did sir!” replied the operator.

“That boy will be hung,” said the gentleman in the Cambridge gown. “I know that boy will be hung.”

Nobody controverted the prophetic gentleman’s opinion.

Créditos
In tonight’s episode, Stoke-on-Trent’s WaterWorld came under fire, air and earth. John F Kennedy was shot on iPhone 6, and the Classroom Behaviour Tzar was appointed by Nicky Morgan. The odious politicking so-and-so was played by Keith Vaz and/ or Michael Farthing. Silvan Shalom was humiliated by his wife Judy Mozes. And we Canna believe that a highland island has fallen victim to theft three times in fifty years. This was an Gabrielquotes production!
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Cameron in control

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"I have to do another five years?!"

“I have to do another five years?!”

Gosh but wasn’t that election result depressing. Even that pun about ‘I don’t trust the polls and neither does Nigel Farage’ isn’t going to cheer me up. (You’re disappointed?! How do you think I feel? -Ed. Miliband.)

In fact, I think the only way I can bring my spirits back up – even now, almost a month on – is with a bit of an election-themed square dance…


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Who’s minding the Sussex store?

Michael Farthing: saving money on graphic design since 1961

Michael Farthing: saving money on graphic design since 1961

In order to dispel accusations of being a over-commercialised and profiteering body, Sussex University has opened a smug shop in a premium area of Brighton city centre.

The “pop-up shop”, christened quite simply @SussexUni, has been around for a month and, according to Registrar John Duffy, “gives us an opportunity to showcase our high-quality research”.

Because obviously everyone visiting North Laine in the summer wants nothing more than to learn about the demand and impact of crop microinsurance in India in between buying fudge and taking funny selfies on the pier.

A cynic might think that the entire project was just a stupid idea designed to promote the Vice-Chancellor’s self-aggrandisement at enormous public expense. But I’m pleased to confirm that this is not the case, because the shop is only costing the University…

sussex-university-shop-brighton

Once again, the University has confirmed to me that it has “no information” regarding any assessment of the value for money offered by the project. But on the plus side, the FOI office’s internal email correspondence in processing my request said: “We know Mr Webber very well.” Aww, what it is to have friends in high places.

But £20,000, though… Absolute bloody bargain.

eurovision-israel-jc-letter

Kent Police’s lost [and found] battle

_44709534_beartag226[1]There was a furore recently when Kent Police announced that they would no longer be accepting lost property, saying that it “is not a police matter”.

Their website advises members of the public who have lost things that many premises “should have their own lost and found procedures”, including nightclubs, schools, public transport (which will be of some comfort to this guy) and “private houses”.

Yes, my private house has a sophisticated lost and found procedure, and any item not reclaimed within 28 days is sold, the profits off-setting the legal costs accrued by this blog.

Reassuringly, though, the BBC confirms that Kent Police will continue to accept lost property “believed to be associated with crime, such as guns and knives”.

Now that isn’t really ‘lost property’, is it?

hatton-garden-robbery-lost-property

Board-mindedness

IMG_4134Well, the Board of Deputies elections are over for another three years, and what a marathon live-streamed public meeting it was! (Although admittedly my own contribution was not appreciated by all.)

But for those who can’t face wading through the full four-hour video, I’m pleased to welcome on the cast of The Muppet Show to provide a one-minute summary:

Other highlights of the drama included:

  • Question: “Why did you describe Islam as ‘not a religion but an agenda for world domination’?” Candidate: “That wasn’t me, I was requoting a tremendous woman called Ayaan Hirsi Ali. She was actually brought up in Islam. She’s black.” (Well that’s OK then. -Ed.)
  • Question: “Why did you tell the community how to vote in the general election?” Candidate: “I was not telling the community how to vote, I was simply stating which party was in the communal interest.”
  • A comparison between pro-Israel pro-peace group Yachad and anti-Israel pro-Holocaust denial group the Neturei Karta.
  • A slew of graceful tweets from Sussex Friends of Israel members heralding the new President as “a real Jew” and proclaiming, “Out with the rubbish”. Charming.

Democracy, eh, you can’t beat it.

queens-speech-2015

She’s black (pt 2)

The friendliest ghost you know

The friendliest ghost you know

The Copes family of Long Island, New York, received a nasty surprise last week in the form of an anonymoous letter addressed to “Attn: African-American family”, warning them that they “don’t belong here” and should “leave as soon as you can”. Rather touchingly, the note ended, “Sorry if this is rude.”

‘Sorry if this is rude’ as a softening addendum to threatening notes, messages and ultimata is an oratorical device of vast antiquity, its use stretching back to the days of ancient Athens


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Five of the best

Krediti
In tonight’s episode, John Duffy went into small business, ideally suited to his small mind. David Cameron appointed a government of none of the talents. Israel failed to win Eurovision, Kent Police failed to win ‘most publicly-spirited police force’ and Tal Ofer, David Berens and Roslyn Pine failed to win the Board of Deputies Vice-Presidential election. This was an Gabrielquotes production!
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