Burglar Phil

In some ways, this has been a brilliant month for women’s rights, with the news that women have finally smashed through blown up the glass ceiling and are now eligible to become suicide bombers. And furthermore, they’re no longer patronised by being included in any way on the A-level Politics syllabus.

But this only made it doubly disappointing that there was a string of sexist incidents in the very heart of gender equality, the House of Commons.

It all started when well-known feminist Philip ‘Burglar Phil’ Davies MP noticed the disgusting discrimination of International Women’s Day. Why, he asked, is there a day for women to celebrate their quest for liberation, but no equivalent for men?

philip-davies-mpHe therefore called a Parliamentary debate demanding the establishment of an International Men’s Day. Burglar Phil used the opportunity to rail against “militant feminists” and “politically correct males”. He referred to the outrageous unfairness of how female suicide rates are dropping but male suicide rates aren’t.

In particular, he was disgusted at how there are more men in prison than women. Phil is apparently of the view that, unless the numbers of men and women in prison are exactly literally equal, that’s sexist.

burglar philHe reckons it’s time for positive discrimination. More women need to go to prison to redress the balance. Once perfect equilibrium has been achieved, every time an additional person is incarcerated, someone of the opposite gender (in his extensive ramblings on the subject, Burglar Phil never refers to more than two) needs to be jailed too, possibly drawn from some sort of rota so as to ensure that the system is fair.


50 shades of racism

The Republican Party seems a bit confused. This isn’t just its usual confusion between right and wrong, but a more fundamental confusion as to which shade of racist paint it should seek to recolour the White House: ‘hint of bigot’ or ‘fluorescent fascist’.

carsonposingIn the Fluorescent Fascist corner, step forward Ben Carson (pictured). Laying out his final solution to the Muslim problem in a speech in Alabama, he used this perfect illustration:

If there’s a rabid dog running around in your neighborhood, you’re probably not going to assume something good about that dog, and you’re probably going to put your children out of the way.

Put like that, I really can’t disagree with his plan to create a security register of Muslims. Unless, of course, there’s some sort of logical flaw in his analogy?

I spy

According to The Guardian:

Undercover officers trained to spot people carrying out terrorist reconnaissance are being covertly deployed to boost efforts to thwart an atrocity on British soil.

Now hang on a minute. Let’s unpack this.

spy-newspaperPeople trained to spot, secretly, when other people are secretly watching out for things, are going secretly to watch out for people secretly watching out for things.

We’d better pray they only send one MI5 agent to each location or pairs of them will spend all day stalking each other.

The Blue Arrow

5959753-large[1]David Cameron has to cope with quite enough humiliation in his life already, thank-you very much, without having to endure the taunts of his colleagues from abroad about how he’s the only one who hasn’t spent vast quantities of taxpayers’ money on a dedicated aircraft.

So it came as no surprise to the exprienced toff-watcher when it was announced on Wednesday that, by Prime Ministerial decree, the UK is to acquire an official transport. Or, as Burglar Phil would put it:

cam-force-oneI’m actually fine, in principle, with Cameron leaving on a jet ’plane. It’s the coming back with which I have more of a problem.

It’s also the £10m initial price tag. Although civil servants say that Cam Force One will cost less per flying hour than the RAF jets used at present, unlike those military ’planes, obviously a dedicated PMmobile won’t be used during the vast periods of time when it’s not, erm, in use.

Although the BBC was quick to point out:

rect4208Oh great! That will make the whole thing worthwhile if we can refuel the totally unnecessary flying Rolls Royce while it’s not in use, as opposed to treating it as a one-use disposable aeroplane to be thrown away as soon as it runs out of petrol.

Sounds like a plan Cam!


Pirate Party’s shadow chancellor unveils new Socialism with an iPatch policy


It’s tough at the top

The Telegraph is known for its hard-hitting journalism. From the story of the boy who hiccupped while singing the national anthem, to the dog that smiled for a photo, it never fails to provide food for thought.

But even against this backdrop, I actually wept when I read this article last week:

poor-blightersBoy, that makes you think. All that money spent on helping refugees when we have such deprivation as this on our very doorstep. I just wish there was something I could do for poor Adam and Megan Brownson.

Perhaps I’ll start a Kickstarter page for them:

adam-and-megan-brownsonOr maybe I’ll start a KickUpTheArse page instead, where members of the public get to bid for the opportunity to teach these people a bit about the concept of privilege (special bulk discount with the Philip Davies package deal).


Expresiones de gratitud

In tonight’s episode, the oppressed masses were played by Adam and Megan Brownson. The oppressed mass was played by Philip Davies MP. The EU was played by the Nazis, and David Cameron was played by Boeing. This was an Gabrielquotes production!

Negging the Bedouin

“If I sign up for email updates using the box on the right, keeping me up to date with this fabulous blog, for how long will that last?”
Quoth the raven: “Evermore.”


JNF bedouin nightI can’t help wondering whether the JNF is engaging in systematic negging of the Bedouin. Negev-ing, even. There really is no other explanation for their bizarre combination of outright hostility and feigned caring.

The latest hare-brained scheme dreamt up by their UK branch is this month’s Bedouin Night do for the trendy Jew near you. Someone clearly thought to themselves, “Now is the time to get Jewish young professionals interested in ethnically-motivated land-grabs!”

Bedouin Night is being hosted by a central London hotel – so much classier than a bedo-’n’-breakfast – and costs £15, for two cocktails and a shisha pipe. It doesn’t specify whether desert is included.

The event would be fairly tasteless cultural appropriation as is, based entirely on the JNF’s limited, stereotyped understanding of ‘what it is to be Bedouin’: ‘exciting mysterious people who wear swishy clothes and smoke stuff’.

And just imagine how outraged people would be if the Palestine Solidarity Campaign held an evening with the following advert:

jnf bedouin event parody copyBut given the JNF’s relentless focus on eliminating the Bedouin way of life, the whole thing moves on from being tasteless and becomes utterly outrageous.


A JNF trustee, David Berens, has clarified that the ‘take the piss out of the Bedouin while contributing funds to their destruction’ event is, in fact, “the exact opposite of racist”:

So my mistake. My apologies. Egg on my face.

All of the above is written in a purely personal capacity, as is all of the below and everything else on this blog.

A string to Jeremy Corbyn’s bow

poppy-corbyn-bow_3495088b[1]Here’s a question I received from one of my constituents:

Dear Gaby Weby,
I have a terrible dilemma. I’m trying to decide which party leader I should support. On the one hand, there’s David Cameron, who’s cut soldiers’ benefits and couldn’t be bothered to wear an actual poppy for a photograph.
But on the other hand, there’s Jeremy Corbyn, who’s consistently opposed the pointless risking of military lives in futile foreign wars, who’s spent time with veterans and current soldiers, who attended the Cenotaph on Remembrance Sunday wearing a real poppy and carrying a handwritten note, but who, when he bowed, rotated his upper body to less than 45 degrees.
I just don’t know which of these two people is best. Can you help?
Yours faithfully,
Mrs Trellis,
North Wales

Yes, this is the scandalous news that Leader of the Opposition Jeremy Corbyn showed horrendous disrespect to the dear departed by not behaving in precisely the way that The Sun thought he should of. He was accused of bowing “half-heartedly” – and complain as much as you like about Cameron’s Photoshopped poppy, when he bows he really puts his heart and soul into it.

The Telegraph asked etiquette expert William Hanson for his take. Hanson said:

Protocol dictates that  it should have gone down around 45 degrees from the waist. He barely did anything.

But then conceded quite sensibly:

It is his right not to bow and the people he was there to remember fought for our rights to do, or not to do, anything.

Tsk, people having the right not to bow whenever the press thinks one should? It’s political correctness gone mad.

Death with intervals

I went to see Bad Jews at Richmond Theatre last week (highly recommended, especially the line, “Do not Holocaust me!” – if only I didn’t get to use it 10 times a week…)

But excellent as the play was, that wasn’t the highlight for me.

richmond-theatre-barNo, the highlight was their new Interval App. Because you know, so often, you’re at the theatre, you’ve been sitting still for over an hour, then it’s the interval, you really want a snack but can’t face the extreme effort of standing up and walking two rows forward to the salesperson.

Well, no more! In Richmond, snacks come to you! Thanks to the marvels of technology, audience members can now have drinks and nibbles delivered directly to their seat, totally eliminating that 12-second walk to obtain full-fat dairy ice cream.

I love the 21st century and don’t see any downsides to it at all.

Another wonderful innovation

The human mind really is remarkable. What other species could come up with creative solutions to serious problems the way that we do?

This week’s featured invention will improve the quality of life of millions of parents around the world, by eliminating the discomfort caused when they step on their children’s toy bricks left scattered on the Wilton carpet.

Lego has just started marketing a sort of indoor shoe, a piece of light footwear designed to be worn around the house, keeping the wearer safe from sharp objects left on the floor.

legoThe new Lego shoe, or ‘slipper’ as it’s already being dubbed, was launched in France by company chair Anton du Bobble (pictured left) but should be in British shops in time for Christmas.

Don’t delay: pre-order yours now before they all sell out.

You could even consider buying two at once if you want to protect both feet!

It’s not brain Sturgery

Nicola in her school uniform

Nicola in her school uniform

First Minister Nicola Sturgeon appeared on Scottish Island Discs on Sunday, telling the listening public what items she’ll take with her when the electorate, disillusioned with another four years of domination by the English, finally banishes her to the lonely isle of Barra.

Her choices were as follows:

Music: Crazy Beaten by edinBlur, plus the spiritualist hymn glasGo Tell it on the Mountain

Book: Ms Sturgeon opted not to have a book as she’s “more than satisfied with the most beautiful line of Shakespeare, ‘tartan is such sweet sorrow'”

Luxury: David Cameron – “selflessly giving up her luxury to keep him away from the rest of Britain”

Bloody polls, coming over here, taking our jobs

4622986-3x4-340x453A poll of British Jews by professional, independent pollsters Ipsos-Mori and City University London found, not altogether surprisingly, that people’s opinions are less obnoxiously right-wing and racist than our community’s loudest, most obnoxious and racist right-wing voices would seem to suggest.

In fact, over half of British Jews consider Israel to be an “occupier” in the West Bank, and 75% believe that settlement expansion is a barrier to peace. More than two thirds experience “a feeling of despair” whenever more settlements are approved.

The report also found that those British Jews holding hawkish (right-wing) views “substantially overestimate the percentage of people who agree with them”.

Some of these hawkish Jews aren’t too happy about a group of qualified pollsters exposing them as the minority. Arguments raised to criticise the methodological rigour of the poll have included:

  • @NorthWestFOI: “The findings can’t be correct because we have 3,500 members.”
  • @RoslynPine: “It’s all lies.”
  • @SadCJP: “It’s not a proper poll because nobody asked me.”
  • @MikeSG: “Are you seriously saying that polling just 1,131 people out of 300,000 can possibly be representative?”
  • @SimonCobbs1: “Yachad just asked its mates.”
  • @SJake62: “You’ve been rumbled!” [no further detail provided]
  • @MRankoff: “It’s all because British Jews listen to idiots like you.” (Surely this is actually a veiled compliment? -Ed.)
  • @Netanyahu: “I resign.” (Stop being wishful. -Ed.)

Also interesting, though, is a comparison between the professional poll Yachad commissioned from qualified academics, fiercely attacked as “biased” and “rigged” by Sussex Friends of Israel; and this poll which appeared on the Sussex Friends of Israel Facebook page earlier this year:


I have a feeling of despair right now, I’ll tell you that much for free.

Swing low, sweet sharia

The tragic events in Paris have, obviously, caused an Islamophobic backlash. The backlashers seem to be blissfully ignorant of the fact that their reaction is exactly what the terrorists wanted.

In particular, social media became incensed about the subversive ‘Muslimisation’ of Europe. Here’s the rational, lucid concern one Twitter user had:

So it might surprise him to know that the very earliest, first ever reference to sharia law creeping into the British legal system had precisely the opposite worry: the speaker in question thought that in Islam women had too much freedom.

from the desk of sir georgeSir George Campbell – for it was he! Yes, the first ever complaint about sharia law entering this sceptered isle came from him – was speaking in an 1881 debate in the House of Commons:


Five of the best


In tonight’s episode, Jihadi John was played by some joker from the JNF in a jelaba. The poll was conducted by IPSOS-MORI and the wave of insanity that followed its publication was courtesy of Nutshire Friends of Israel. Hundreds of potentially wasted calories were saved by Richmond Theatre. This was an Gabrielquotes production!
(Psst… Jeremy! It’s the end of the show. You’re supposed to bow. -Ed.)