Another Fine Ness

IS militants threaten to behead United Kingdom

A militant from proscribed group IS (Independent Scotland) has released a video online in which he threatens to behead the United Kingdom. Believed to be a British citizen, the masked figure has been nicknamed ‘Aberdeen Alex’. He told the camera: “We’re going to cut the top bit off Great Britain and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Prime Minister David Cameron, in a reversal of the government’s previous position of never negotiating with terrorists, fell over himself to appease the Independent Scotland group.

The ballot continues.

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Untitled-1 copyThis blog post has been interrupted to bring you an astonishing piece of news (and incisive political commentary) courtesy of The Mirror website:

which-came-first-the-chicken-or-the-unionAccording to the latest polls from IPSOS-Tory, this man’s chicken find clinches the vote for the Yes/ No/ Don’t Know contingent, and means that we can expect to see David Cameron/ Alex Salmond/ Nick Robinson resign/ be knighted/ get stoned forthwith.

Good news all round – not least for KFC with the free advertising.

An impassioned plea for the Union from Mr Bernard Cribbins

Tearful for the end of the UK

Tearful for the end of the UK

Furniture mover, time traveller and all round good sort Mr Bernard Cribbins would like to take this opportunity, so he tells me, to make an impassioned plea for the continuance of the United Kingdom. He calls it Hole in the Union. Click the red circly thing below to hear it.

There I was, running this land,
Land of ’ope and glory,
Some lefty bits but mainly Tory.
And there I was, running it good,
It was OK in Scotland as I understood.
When along comes this bloke in a sporren
And a tartan ’at on ’is ’ead,
Oh along he did trot, poor demented Scot and he said:

“Do you mind if I make a suggestion?

“Don’t stay here, this is the pits.
We ought to be Scots and not merely Brits.
The government’s crap, it’s in a flap
And the Union’s something that we should scrap.”

I ask, what a liberty, eh! Nearly bashed him right in the tam’o’shanter.

Well there I was, touting for votes
Looking for support, ’cos time is runnin’ short, I was,
And there was ’im, standing up there
So grand and Celtic with ’is nose in the air.
So I gave ’im a look sort of sideways
And I looked at the polling and sighed:
Well I saw I was screwed,
So thinking on my feet I replied:

Alright I’ll concede to some added powers
For health, transport, welfare – but defence remains ours.
And under devo max, you can collect your own tax
But you can’t expect us to plug your fiscal cracks.

Well there we were, discussing this deal,
Devolving the lot, to get me out of this tight spot.
But will it be? I do not know.
I want to stop this independence woe.

So vote ‘no’.

scotland-better-together-campaign-middle-class-pro-establishment-independence-referendum

Mint Imperial

A stamp of approval from Sir GeorgeLast week, the Royal Mint launched a competition for us commoners to come up with a design for the new £1 coin, which will be released in 2017.

“Your design should symbolise Britain,” explains the Mint’s website.

So one wonders why they chose to launch the competition one week before a referendum on Scottish independence.

Other helpful advice is: “Above all, try to imagine how the design will look on the coin in your pocket!” I’ve actually no idea what a coin looks like in my pocket, I’ve never been small enough to look.

Prize money of £10,000 (hopefully in gleaming cash) is available for the winner, who – according to the terms and conditions – has to grant the government a “royalty-free” licence to use the design on the new coins… which will feature a similarly royalty-free portrait of Her Maj on the other side.

Post-Cameron stress disorder

Cameron[1]Rumours are already circulating that, should Scotland vote ‘yes’, David Cameron (pictured) will be forced to resign, as the Prime Minister who presided over the break-up of the Union. Here are the runners and riders of who’s likely to replace him:

Don’t forget the devo

divorce1[1]There’s something vaguely exploitative about England’s relationship with Scotland.

In Orthodox Judaism, divorces can only be initiated by the husband giving his wife a document known as a get. And she can talk the talk and do the do, but she can’t get the get without her husband’s agreement; and if he chooses to be spiteful, she spends the rest of her days as an agunah (‘chained woman’) doomed to remain single for the rest of her days.

But if only the rabbis of the Talmud had come up with ‘devo max’ as an option.

“I want a divorce!” “Erm… well before you make up your mind, dear, how about I give you full fiscal autonomy? You can have your own credit card and everything!”

Great stuff.

#IndyRef Radio Times

There’s been nothing else in the news for days, but even beyond BBC News 24, the airwaves are full of referendum fever…

  • Littler Britain (shown on Skye 1 HD)
  • The Dram Busters
  • Bridge Over the River Clyde
  • The Balmoral Maze
  • Ghillie Elliot: the Musical
  • Only Fools and Horses: Demographics of the Scottish National Party
  • The Great British Break-Off
  • Mc The Week
  • 10 Flings I Hate About You
  • James VI and I and the Giant Peach
  • The Importance of Being Irn-Bru
  • Friday Night with Jonathan Caber Toss
  • Salmond Fishing in the Yemen
  • The Famous Fife
  • Loch Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
  • Fear and Lothian in Las Vegas
  • Gordon Brown’s Boys
  • The I. Tunnock’s T-cake Crowd
  • Video Kilt the Radio Star
  • ‘You Take the Highway to Heaven’ by Laird Zeppelin
  • London’s Birnam Wood

(That’s enough insults against the Scottish people. -Alex)

Conclusion

If you have a vote, vote ‘no’ to show that you’re not petulant and that you don’t just think it’s all like well unfair.

Meanwhile, if Gabrielquotes isn’t back before, we wish all our readers a shana tova and a joyful and sweet new year.
shana-tova

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The many flavours of Christian Brodie

Portrait of a Banker

Portrait of a Banker

Readers may remember the ‘musical chairs’ fiasco over Sussex’s graduation ceremonies this year, where first our esteemed Chancellor Sanjeev Bhaskar was to preside, then Chair of Council Chris ‘Wonga Wonga Party’ Brodie (pictured) planned to step in, and finally it was agreed that – controversially – experienced academics would be involved in the conferring of degrees.

It’s not just readers of this blog who will be familiar with the story. Those who follow Private Eye will also know about it… although I can’t imagine where they got the story from.

Anyway, this week Gabrielquotes – as so often – has exclusive information to reveal that sheds new light on the backstory.

Here is the text of the email to the Vice-Chancellor in which Chris Brodie sensationally withdrew from chairing the graduation ceremonies:

Dear Michael
We may wish to review my presence at the graduation ceremonies next week. If you google ‘Christian Brodie deceit’, you will get a flavour.
[...] This is not an ideal backdrop to the ceremonies next week. Happy to discuss whenever convenient.
All the best
Chris

What fun!

A wand’ring Bhaskar I

171.item[1]I’ve also seen a copy of Chancellor Bhaskar’s (pictured) email to Michael Farthing in which he revealed, for the first time, that he wouldn’t be able to attend the graduation ceremonies.

The University press release was on 2nd July. So when do you reckon Sanjeev broke the sad news? 1st July? 28th June?

No, it was a full three weeks earlier on 12th June.

So let us wonder why it took the University three weeks to reveal to an unhappy audience that their star guest was absent. Could it have been because tickets were still on sale to people hoping to see their child/parent/spouse hug a television star?

I couldn’t possibly comment.

Caption competition: Katy Bourne edition

Photo 06-08-2014 09 53 37

 

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