Charlotte Elizabeth Diana

(This blog post is actually nothing to do with the new baby but I put it in the title anyway because people are apparently more interested in that than in the future of Britain.)

exit polls

So, the day has come: tens of millions of people up and down the country back into tiny little boxes and play the world’s most unexciting game of Noughts and Crosses with stubby little pencils.

But how are we to reach a decision? Fortunately, the leaders of the minor parties have some helpful advice for voters:

  • Nick Clegg says that the 2 main parties are too similar.
  • Nigel Farage says that the 3 main parties are too similar.
  • Natalie Bennet sings that the 4 main parties are too similar.

So at least they all agree on something.

Meanwhile if you need a reminder of which parties are running in this election, and if you don’t mind being driven up the wall by childish repetition, then this could be the video for you:

Sing a song of election time, sing it loud and clear

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAThere’s not much to do between now and 10pm, so let me share with you the story of the female OAP who did something inexplicable and who then suffered a series of absurd indignities. (Do you mean the old woman who swallowed a fly? -Ed.) (Not quite! -G.)


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The other election

board of deputies of british jews badgeThe media’s giving a lot of airtime to the UK general election but, with its typical anti-Semitic double standards, there’s been virtually no coverage of the Board of Deputies presidential and vice-presidential election which is fast approaching.

However, readers will be pleased to hear that I have mobilised the media-controlling network of Jewish conspirators and shanghaied David Dimbleby into giving us this brief synopsis of the state of play at the Board of Deps:


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The election continues until 17 May.

cameron netanyahu droves
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ukip-hignfy-police

Bourne of long experience

Strictly Come Policing Commissioner Katy Bourne has now appointed the silver-haired of Sussex to her Elders Commission, and they are now busily engaged on advising her and drinking tea. (And swallowing spiders? -Ed.) Why it is that she needs advice that old people don’t like being mugged is another question altogether.

katy bourne waste of public moneyThe Elders apparently have the following priorities:

  • “Financial coercion” – such as being forced to pay a PCC’s £85,000 salary on pain of imprisonment for tax evasion
  • “Nuisance calls and scams” – such as being duped into sitting on an Elders Commission solely for the purpose of helping a PCC with their re-election campaign
  • “Cyber crime” – such as people doing anti-UKIP political satire online. (Whoops. -Ed.)
  • Too many coloured people on the streets
  • I don’t mind gays myself but they shouldn’t be teaching kids about that sort of thing in school
  • You used to be able to go to Eastbourne, have a three-course meal, get the bus back and still have change from a 5-shilling note
  • Erm…
  • That’s it

labour stone

Esher hots up

Dominic Raab and one of his best friends

Dominic Raab and one of his best friends

The campaign in my constituency of Esher and Walton is hotting up, with Tory incumbent Dominic Raab MP in serious danger of retaining his 59% majority without lifting a finger.

Raab, who was attacked on the floor of the House of Commons by fellow Tory Theresa May after describing feminists as “obnoxious bigots”, is seen as being very much on the progressive wing of the Conservative party.

Anyway, he popped a booklet through our letterbox which revealed that he supports “reducing noise from Heathrow”, “more healthcare in the community” and “fewer child brain tumour deaths”.

His UKIP opponent Dr Nicholas Wood mentioned none of these things so I can only assume that he wants louder aircraft noise, less community healthcare and more child brain tumour deaths.

The Labour candidate didn’t even bother leafletting us.

Love living in a marginal constituency.

GREEN PARTY FADE

A final word from an old hand

from the desk of sir georgeI would not want to leave my dear readers to go forth into the murky world of party politics without some sage advice to tide you on your way.

From Rajshahi to Kircaldy, Sir George Campbell has been involved in active politics – both democratic and hereditary – for nigh on two centuries, so who better to give you their views on the merits of coalition government?


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As Returning Officer for this blog post…
In tonight’s episode, David Cameron messed up the country; Ed Miliband messed up his public image; UKIP strove to be in a position to mess up the country more; the Lib Dems promised to mess up the country less but will probably end up messing it up anyway; the SNP want to mess up their own country; Plaid Cymru played nationalists who want to be part of another country; and the Greens said loads of things that will never have to be put to the test. This was an Gabrielquotes production!
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Pesach Special 5775

It’s been a bumper year for Passover-related current affairs, so as per tradition, find below the 5775 edition of Gabrielquotes Pesach News, brought to you – as always – by the good old BBC (Biblical Broadcasting Corporation).


Grow vegetables extensively in greenhouses!

Those are rousing words, aren’t they. Grow vegetables extensively in greenhouses! Those of you whose lives have now been given meaning, having read that proverb twice, might be slightly emarrased to learn that it was taken from a list of 310 new patriotic proverbs recently published by the North Korean government.

National leaders hope that the public will pepper their conversation with epigrams such as…

g4095

Other gastronomic highlights of the list include:

g4108

and

g4113

Some of the slogans are cryptic:

g4085

Some are short:

path3099

Some artfully combine both of these qualities:

path3095

One or two wouldn’t have looked out of place in George Osborne’s budget speech:

g4119

And for those contemplating any sort of project management in the near future, I can do no better than point you towards this invaluable advice:

g4101

Inpsired? I certainly hope so.

doctor who budget

Litvinenko: nothing to see here

May contain traces of polonium-210

May contain traces of polonium-210

The inquiry into the death of Russian secret agant Alexander Litvinenko is now well underway. A succession of spies, criminals and oligarchs (many of whom hold more than one of the aforementioned roles) are turning up to the Royal Courts of Justice to give evidence of facts of which they, strangely, seem to have little recollection.

But the unhappiest people in this unhappy affair are the media, who were disappointed by the judge’s ruling that some witnesses would testify anonymously.

A 9-page legal submission from the media argues: “There is an enormous public interest in these proceedings being conducted as openly as possible. The subject matter of the Inquiry does not easily lend itself to any sensationalism.”

The subject matter of the Inquiry does not easily lend itself to any sensationalism?! A Russian secret agent on the run from his former spymasters, killed in Piccadilly by being fed sushi laced with radioactive poison?

Yeah, it could happen to anyone.

In other inquiry news

What the planning inquiry could look like

Wot the planning inquiry could look like

Sussex University bosses were upset when their “Campus Masterplan” was rejected by the local council on the grounds that it would be a monstrosity and turn the peaceful, green campus into “a dense urban environment”.

Because it was all so unfair and because Michael Farthing thinks that the law only applies to him insofar as he wants it to, an appeal is underway. The University submitted a 51-page document to the Planning Inspectorate, which it has finally deigned to release to me under information rights legislation

(They only released it after intervention by the Information Commissioner, because my request conflicted with Sussex’s policy of refusing to tell anyone anything unless they bother to pursue it to great lengths.)

Horrifyingly, the University has opted to have the dispute resolved by an inquiry, at which both sides will be legally represented at public expense, calling and cross-examining witnesses… for eight whole days. What value for money, my friends!

north by northwest friends of israel copy
katy bourne theresa may copy

manifesto

Nirtzah

Congratulations for making it this far through the blog post, whether or not you had the assistance of four glasses of wine.

Gabrielquotes would like to wish all its readers a chag sameach and a joyful and restful Pesach!

best-wishes-gabriel

Acknowledgement
In tonight’s episode, Pesach news was presented by the Biblical Broadcasting Corporation. The Litvinenko Inquiry was conducted by Sir Robert Owen and the media submission was drafted by The Guardian. North Korea was ruined by Kim Jong-un, Sussex was ruined by Kim Jong-farthing and the People’s Democratic Republic of North West Friends of Israel is co-chaired by Anthony Dennison and Stuart Ailion. This was an Gabrielquotes production!
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