A Purim special: The Book of Whitty, 1:1-12

1It happened in the days of Johnson – that Johnson who gave over a hundred and twenty thousand press conferences – 2that he gave a clap for all the officials and courtiers, the administrators, the nobles, the carers, the doctors and the nurses. 3For no less time than a year, every Thursday he would show the great magnanimity of his majesty, by underpaying his healthcare workers but topping up their salaries with applause. And the rule for the clapping was: many, many restrictions.

4In the second month, King Johnson ordered his advisers, wise and SAGE men, to bring Neil Ferguson before him. 5But they caught Neil Ferguson with his trousers down, and King Johnson was greatly incensed, and his fury burned within him, and he banished Neil Ferguson from his palace.

6Then dispatches were sent to all the provinces of the land, except for Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland, that every man should wield authority in his own home, but that he should not step outside of it without reasonable excuse.

7King Johnson’s servants, who attended him, said, “Let beautiful young doctors be sought out for Your Majesty. Let them be provided with cosmetics and let the doctor who pleases you most become the face of your battle against coronavirus.”

8There was a doctor in the land called Whitty, and was more comely and beautiful than all the other doctors, and he won King Johnson’s grace and favour, so he appointed him Chief Medical Officer.

9That night, sleep deserted King Johnson, perhaps because the sound of smashing plates is pretty bloody loud, so he ordered up the book of records. 10There it was found written that there had been a remarkable episode in his own household: his courtier, Dominic, had deserted the palace and driven to the province of Durham. 11“What honour or advancement has been conferred on him for this?” the king enquired. “Nothing at all has been done for him,” replied his servants.

12So the king made him Chief of Staff.

To be continued when we know the end of the story…

Happy Purim!

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