The Book of Boris: Purim special 2022

1It happened in the days of Boris – that Boris who ruled over a red wall from Bassetlaw to Bolsover. 2In those days, Boris occupied the fortress Downing Street. 3In the second year of his reign, he gave a series of banquests for all the officials, courtiers, interior designers and Chancellors in his service. 4He displayed the vast riches of his office, its expansive definition of ‘work’ and its extensive mini-fridges. 5In addition, Queen Carrie gave a banquet for the king’s birthday, 6though utterly without his knowledge or awareness.

7On the seventh day, he ordered that they bring Sue Gray’s report before him, to vindicate him before the people. 8But Sue Gray refused to vindicate the king, 9and he was greatly incensed, and fury burned within him alongside the vodka. 10Then Boris consulted the spads learned in procedure. His closest advisers all resigned, 11except one who said, “Sue Gray has transgressed a command of the king. 12Make Jimmy Savile jokes, hope for a war in eastern Europe, and do everything you can to divert attention.”

Unfortunately, the rest of this manuscript has been lost, save for one fragment where Haman paid 12 million talents of silver as compensation to Esther following her allegation that he lay on a couch with her (even though he insisted he’d never met her).

Purim sameach!

Licensed to procreate

I am now a proud member of a household where both adults are allowed to drive. But we’ve been thinking about how odd it is that, while one is forbidden from driving without a licence, one is allowed to look after a baby without any formal training whatsoever.

Surely there should be some sort of baby test before a licence to procreate is issued? For example…

  • One out of the following maneuvers:
    • Prepare a bottle of milk one-handed
    • Dress the baby in an asymmetric babygro and get all the poppers right
    • Dry yourself and the baby simultaneously after going swimming
    • Spelling the word ‘maneuvers’ correctly first time without having to Google it
  • One one out of three tests, chosen at random, clean up after a poonami
  • At least 20 minutes of independent play
  • Two show-me-tell-me questions from the following list:
    • Show me how you would load a steam steriliser
    • Tell me what temperature a baby’s bath water should be
    • Tell me how you would check for nappy rash
    • Show me how you would check that the buggy straps are fastened correctly
  • You will fail your baby test if you accumulate 16 or more minor errors , which will include, to take some random hypothetical examples:
    • Wetting the baby by using a bottle with the lid not screwed on
    • Allowing the baby to eat shredded wheat off the floor
    • Allowing the baby to drink bathwater
    • Allowing the baby to suck an iPhone charger
  • You will also fail your baby test if you accumulate one or more major errors, which will include:
    • Going for a drive while the baby’s car-seat straps are undone
    • Allowing the baby to hits its head

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