Preparing for Limmud at Home

Limmud is coming to you this year. But for those missing a traditional wintertime Limmud experience, here are some top tips:

The site

  • Designate your rooms as ‘Red 1’, ‘Yellow 5’ etc, and lay down coloured footprints to remind you how to access them.
    • Bonus points if you attend the most popular sessions from your smallest rooms.
  • Arrange for your neighbours to host loud lectures that can be heard through the walls on both sides of your lounge.
  • Replace your toilet with 30 urinals.
  • Prepare a special T-shirt to wear when serving yourself copious drinks later in the evening.

The food

  • Only eat meat once over the course of Limmud, but eat three lunches per day.
  • Make sure that you are missing precisely one of (i) tea, (ii) hot water, (iii) sugar and (iv) milk at all times.
  • Leave out a tray of biscuit crumbs to disappoint you when you’re hungry between sessions.
  • If your spouse or partner is ahead of you in the queue at mealtimes, try to find some excuse to barge in front.
  • Set up a tent for grab-and-go.
  • Be incredibly rude to the coffee shop volunteers baristas at your local café, especially if they’re young women.
  • Leftovers from dinner should be mildly disguised and then served again at breakfast.
  • That amazingly thick, pale pink salad dressing you only ever get at Limmud is very hard to buy in supermarkets, but calamine lotion is widely available from pharmacies.
  • Sanitise your bloody hands. It’s as if 2020 never happened to you. You disgust me.

Behaviour

  • Have your spouse or partner take the end of the sofa and refuse to stand up to let you past.
  • At a normal Limmud, everyone loves to yell out, “We can’t hear!” whenever anyone asks a question at less than 450 decibels. This year, that cry will be replaced with, “You’re on mute!” If anyone starts speaking while on mute, even for just a second, it is mandatory for all other participants to point this out at considerable length.
  • When the speaker invites you to put questions in the chat, that is your opportunity to message hi to David from Carshalton (in full view of everyone else), to type out an impassioned op-ed about how much you hate Yachad, or to ask if anyone knows what time Clive Lawton is on.

Enjoy Limmud 2020, stay safe, and come to hear the wonderful Adam Wagner and myself talking about lockdown laws on Sunday.

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