Bad Wolf Bad Wolf Bad Wolf
Putting aside all this nonsense about John F Kennedy’s assassination, far more importantly this week marks the 50th anniversary of everyone’s favourite TV programme featuring a Time Lord, Doctor Who.
The Doctor has been a tennant of all of our screens five decades, saving the world from the clutches of aliens too terrifying to contemplate; from the evil Sycorax to Eric Pickles. Apparently his next mission will be reversing the flow time to save us all from rising energy prices.
However, this year also marks the 50th anniversary of the world’s scariest dustbins, the Daleks, and Sir George Campbell is full of praise…
Police attacked for spying on students
Cambridgeshire Constabulary has come under attack this week after it emerged that they tried to recruit students to inform covertly on “student union-type stuff” and to spy more generally on their colleagues.
“This heavy-handed police action jeopardises our reputation,” said the President of the Cambridge Union, Anthony Montpelier Quaffington-Squyre. “Portraying the student body as encompassing a range of political opinions could even lead to a reduction of the quota which entitles us to fill at least two-thirds of Cabinet posts.”
“Why can’t the authorities concentrate on useful things like tapping the emails of ordinary people?”
Gabriel attacked for stereotyping Cambridge
Gabriel Webber has come under attack this minute after it emerged that he used a stereotyped, outdated notion of the University of Cambridge in order to provoke cheap laughs.
“Why can’t he concentrate on getting cheap laughs in a more fashionable way, maybe by calling Conservative MPs cowards or something?”
Blog attacked for relying on self-referential humour
The other important anniversary connected with police boxes
Yes, this week marks the payment of the 85,000th pound of Katy Bourne’s annual salary, but as she pointed out in a live web interview on Friday, “Of course, I have two anniversaries – when I was elected and when I took office. It’s almost a bit like being the Queen, having two birthdays.”
Ms Bourne is also a bit like the Queen in that she’s unskilled, overpaid and, broadly speaking, un-necessary. She’s also grossly patronising, smarming questioners with syrup such as, “It’s very intuitive of you to ask about this.” Subtle.
One question referred to a poll which showed that only 11% of people can name their PCC. Katy grovelled, “I’m not that precious, I mean, does it really matter that people don’t know my name?”
Could this possibly be the same Katy Bourne whose manifesto promised: “I will be an accessible Commissioner […] I intend to be highly visible throughout Sussex”? Why yes, it could.
Roll on 2016… But to keep us going until then, Katy – who, as we all know, likes a nice dance – has kindly produced a little routine for Gabrielquotes:
Strategy and tictacs
Far, far from Cambridge, another so-called university released its strategic plan this week, having spent most of the last year not only consulting over its contents but also hiring obscenely expensive design consultants to do the branding: and just how splendid is the result (see right) – well, yeah, not at all splendid really. It looks like Crayola were let loose on a tortoise shell.
Of course, what Sussex has is not actually a strategy at all. It’s more like a loose collection of really, really obvious aspirations, eg. “We will provide all students with high-quality inspirational teaching” – well, what educational institution wouldn’t aim to do that? Sounds like the consultation was completely un-necessary! The only question is… how are they going to do it? And there the ‘strategy’ is silent.
Another aim appears, appropriately enough, in an enigmatic blue box. “Provision of high-quality, fit-for-purpose IT is a top priority.” This is the same fit-for-purpose IT system which is incapable of printing a PDF file without crashing all computers within a nine-mile radius. This ‘strategy’ (or, erm, idea, as we say in English) is just taking the Mickey really.
They’ve also persisted with the motto making the future, which is just offensive. Making the future what? Making the future just that little bit more soul-destroying?
However, the biggest flaw in the plan is the fact that the University clearly forgot to proofread it. Every section of the strategic plan is ‘Section 1’. The first ‘Section 1’ contains numbered “strategic ambitions” from 1.1 to 1.12, which are not too easy to distinguish from strategic ambitions 1.1 to 1.20 in the second ‘Section 1’. And so on. And so on.
Sussex University management… I’d like to section 1 of them.
There are several cryptic and not-so-cryptic Doctor Who references scattered throughout space and time and this blog. Sorry. It won’t happen again, torch wood.
Five [Doctors] of the best
- UN General Assembly: Hot mic catches UN interpreter – they opine that “ten motions against Israel, it’s a bit much!”
- Twitter: erm, just Twitter – half of Britain’s biggest companies engage in hysterical banter on Twitter. Though it’s a pity they’ve nothing better to do.
- BBC News: Woman writes ‘thank you’ letter to burglars – so sarcastic she’s after my own heart.
- Buzzfeed: 17 Most Disturbing Things You Can Buy At Prison Gift Shops – at least Britain wouldn’t do something stupid like privatising prisons. Would it…?
- Just Something: 30 hilarious street posters – I’m particularly taken with the tearable puns.