Why does the Left insist on belittling true British heroes like Officer V53?

Education secretary Michael Gove has urged the British public to pay no heed to “left-wing myths” that the police’s killing of Mark Duggan (pictured) constituted a senseless loss of life.

“It is unpatriotic to describe the Great Shooting as anything other than an unequivocal victory for Britain,” he said.

After an inquest found last week that Duggan, 29, was “lawfully killed” by a police marksman on suspicion of not holding a gun, protests erupted around London, describing the incident as an “execution”.

But today, in a Daily Mail article entitled Why does the Left insist on belittling true British heroes like Officer V-53?, Conservative politician Gove waded into the fracas to argue that Duggan’s death was not the consequence of “a series of catastrophic mistakes perpetrated by an out-of-touch elite”.

“After proper study,” wrote the former journalist and current out-of-touch elitist, “history has reassessed the actions of V53, once held up as a trigger-happy racist. An independent analyst, known as V59, has depicted the police officer as patriotic, loyal to his commanders and always ready to enter the fray – and where there was no fray, he’d create one.”

A Metropolitan Police spokesperson, V65, said they were very flattered by Gove’s comments and would unblock the roads of his Surrey constituency immediately.

Falmer: lawyers’ paradise

Earlier this week, Sussex University was forced to reveal, under freedom of information laws, that their jolly to Brighton County Court last term – an uncontested hearing lasting less than ten minutes which resulted in an eviction order against a group of protestors who had already left voluntarily – cost £27,115.

Katharine ‘let them be executed’ Holland QC, their snooty barrister, charged £9,750; while solicitors Pinsent Masons contented themselves with a modest £15,600. The remainder was spent partly on court fees (£175) and partly, a whopping £1,590, on “other costs” – whatever they may be. Brown envelopes for judges…?

The University also confirmed that they “do not hold any information” regarding steps taken to ensure that their chosen legal advisors offered value for money, and that they did not ‘shop around’ or consider any other solicitors or barristers. Imagine my surprise.

If the government are looking to cut the wages of ‘overpaid lawyers’ who contribute nothing useful to society, perhaps they could concentrate on these swish property law types rather than overworked criminal barristers.

Indeed, to put these figures in perspective, Sussex’s lowest-paid employee earns £13,839 per year, and the University has just blown nearly twice that much over the course of a few days on a pointless court order which had no practical effect. Mazel tov. Glad my tuition fees are going towards such concrete improvements to the standard of my education.

More positive news about the involvement of lawyers at Sussex has come out in the last couple of days, though, as it’s been announced that two of the world’s leading human rights practitioners, Geoffrey Robertson QC and Paul Bowen QC, will represent the five Sussex students being disciplined later this week – Friday 17th – in front of a biased panel, charged with such heinous crimes as being in lifts and circulating petitions on the Internet. The lawyers will be giving their time for free.

I’m sure that their cross-examination of university managers will be hugely entertaining, but unfortunately, and I’m sure by complete coincidence, management have decided that this little show-trial will take place behind closed doors, just to show they have an overwhelming commitment to transparency, open justice and equality of arms.

An update will follow…

His kettle really ISN’T black.

Finally: a politician who loves Britain! Arch-racist and domestic policy goddess Nick Griffin, newly bankrupted, plans to resurrect his fortunes by starring in a cookery programme. Admittedly it’s one he commissioned and produced and uploaded to YouTube, but the idea is still about as appetising as the 15th-century “traditional British” peasant food he’s serving.

Griffin is not the first controversial politician to move into gastronomy. His predecessors include Hitler, whose series about living off the land, Mein Kampstove, proved a hit in 1930s Germany, and Lord Ashcroft, who produced the decade-long documentary Great British Tax-break Off.

The BNP series is targeted at members whose “wives can’t afford to put enough decent food on the table”, perhaps because they’ve left their gender-normative husbands notwithstanding the financial consequences? Said members were treated to handy kitchen tips including, “Do take the foil off your stock cubes”, and, “Don’t let people tell you that you have to have huge numbers of immigrants to have good cooking”.

His recipe involved half a bottle of beer. “The other half,” he explained, and I think he was winking but it’s a bit hard to tell, “you drink while you’re cooking.” (Or while formulating your policies?)

While showing viewers how to cut an onion, he said: “The point of this bit… I’m showing you how to cut an onion.” Enough to make you cry…

Nick Griffin’s final comment – “You can’t say you can’t afford to cook, even if you don’t have anything at all” – suggests that his knowledge of economics is just about on par with George Osborne’s, so perhaps we should vote for him after all.

B’tei avon!

Blistering barnacles

Everyone’s favourite Belgian turned 85 last week. The first ever Tintin story was published in January 1929 in a children’s magazine as anti-Communist propaganda, but fortunately the canon soon turned its hand towards more socially-acceptable genres such as racism, sexism and extreme animal cruelty.

The 85-year-old recently became the oldest person to be certified as fit-for-work by Atos – after they came across a cartoon strip of him scaling a Nepalese mountain.

A touch more Thatcher

Peter Bone MP may be renowned for his repeated “morbid” questions about who will take over “when the Prime Minister is killed in a terrorist attack” (!), but at least he would clearly honour his fallen leader, as he’s already proposed a law to institute a Margaret Thatcher Day bank holiday every August.

Pretty cringe-worthy, but on the plus side Bone has also introduced a Prime Minister (Replacement) Bill… which strikes me as being a very good idea indeed!

Five of the best

• BBC News: The case of the minister’s missing jet – in one of the world’s more interesting photos taken on airport tarmac, the Russian government photoshopped out the private jet.
• The Guardian: Dennis Rodman’s trips to North Korea are all about ego, not diplomacy – although they both must be so ronery.
• Tony Gladstone: Round like a shot – this is how you motivate your local police.
• Buzzfeed: 9 wonderful details from a hundred-year-old map of the London Underground – how many other Tube maps include cartoons of depressed giraffes?
• Home Affairs Select Committee: Police and Crime Commissioners’ progress to date – on pages 10-12, committee members tax Katy Bourne with a certain leaked document I may or may not have emailed them…

Today’s chefs

In tonight’s episode, Officer V53 appeared from behind a screen. Katharine Holland QC only charged so much to emphasise her point. The part of Jamie Oliver was played by Enoch Powell. Norman Tebbit was played by John Duffy. Tristram Hunt was played by Jeremy ****. Tintin was played by Gabriel Webber. This was an Gabrielquotes production.