Blog posts

It’s that time again! Shankbones all round; horseradish on the table; Sainsburys advising customers that matzah is “just flying off the shelves, they’re going mad for it for some reason!”; and somewhat disappointingly another year has gone by and we’re still not in Jerusalem.

It’s been a helluva 12 months waiting for Pesach to roll round again. The economy remains unrisen. Police sniffer dogs at Manchester Airport have been sniffing out cheese and sausages but have already stopped looking for chametz. And the number of people just across the sea waiting for the waves to part has reached distressingly ridiculous proportions.

But still, it’s here now, so sit back, grab a glass of Palwin and prepare for this year’s bulletin of Pesach news from the Biblical Broadcasting Corporation:

.

Electoral Commission designates official campaigners

Election bosses have designated Vote Leave as the official lead campaigner for the EU referendum.

Vote Leave successfully fought off rival bids from Grassroots Out, the Judean People’s Front, the People’s Front of Judea, the Judean Popular People’s Front, and Mossack Fonesca.

The Electoral Commission decided between the applicants keen to run the Leave campaign by scoring them out of five in a series of areas such as “skills of key staff”, “engagement with other campaigners” and – somewhat bafflingly – “representation of a range of views”.

Other editions of Top Trumps are also available.

Famous person does stupid thing

A famous person has done a stupid thing, according to reports from an unidentified newspaper from an unidentified country at an unspecified point before now.

Said famous person, following their threesome (pictured left), then went to court in an attempt to stop people from finding out the thing that he’d done, yet strangely enough, and wholly unpredictably, it backfired and now everybody in the world knows.

The Court of Appeal has now suspended the injunction, because, in the words of Lord Justice Candle, “it’s now totally bloody useless”.

Less fictionally, the Court held:

There is a limit to how far the courts can protect individuals against the consequences of their own threesomes actions.

When lawyers for the unidentified entertainer were asked how the information could possibly be private when the entire internet was spouting it at every opportunity, they conceded that all the people “who are interested in such matters” will now know the whole story – but asked, what about:

…someone going into a newsagent’s shop to buy the ‘Financial Times’, and catching sight of front page headlines in other newspapers?

Gosh, yes, I’d not thought of that! Clearly the entire judicial system should bend over backwards to prevent Financial Times readers from being inadvertently exposed to the existence of threesomes.

• Next week: judges consider Goldilocks’ claim for breach of privacy in re. her threesome with (That’s quite enough. -Ed.)

MISSING: CAN YOU HELP?

This week’s Missing update: Malia Bouattia’s context

Malia Bouattia (pictured right) was elected President of the National Union of Students despite very significant concerns that she is a raging anti-Semite.

Evidence includes her description of the British media as “Zionist-led”, her description of terrorist attacks against Israeli Jewish civilians as “resistance” and her complaints about Birmingham University having “one of the largest JSocs in the country”.

But it turns out that, actually, none of these remarks betray Malia as an anti-Semite, because they were all:

Taken out of context.

We are therefore starting an urgent appeal for readers to help uncover the context which makes it acceptable to support the murder of innocent civilians and portray large Jewish communities as a problem.

Anyone with information on the whereabouts of Malia’s context should call the Missing Contexts Helpline on 0808 570687.

The lesser spotted candidate

UKIP activist and Parliamentiary candidate Jack Neill has been caught with his trousers down (Like John Whittingdale? -Ed.) after posting a photo of himself to Facebook, holding a Union Flag, wearing a clown’s nose… and blacked up:

His aide told journalists that this wasn’t actually as big a racism scandal as one might think: it turns out that the photo was “a joke” (so that’s alright then), and, in addition, and also in slightly odd contradiction to the ‘joke’ excuse:

Mr Neill suffers from acne frequently and as a result often wears facial masks to treat his skin.

This spirited defence clearly failed to convince the UKIP party machinery, who treat racist behaviour by members extremely gravely. An official spokesman confirmed that stern disciplinary action would be taken against him:

We’ll slap his wrist for being a berk.

Personally, I think it’s unacceptable for UKIP to have such a relaxed attitude towards racism by its members; in doing so, it’s treading on Labour’s toes, apparently.

The only folorn hope from the whole situation is that, if the country votes for Brexit in June and UKIP basically take over, his impression of a Foreigner will be so convincing to their jaundiced eyes that they’ll issue him a Deportation Order and Send Him Back to The Dark Continent.

Diamond geezer

The Indian Supreme Court heard a case this week in which it was argued that India should retain ownership of the Koh-i-Noor diamond, which currently resides in a crown (pictured right) in the Tower of London.

David Cameron has previously ruled out returning the stone to India, telling reporters:

If you say yes to one you suddenly find the British Museum would be empty.

Though perhaps he might not accept the same argument from the Hatton Garden safe deposit robbers if they asked to be allowed to “keep the stuff”..

Thomas & Incompetence

I arrived at the station to go to work the other morning, and an electronic display board announced significant delays due to “signal failures”.

My first reaction was: why don’t they just replace it with a printed ‘significant delays’ sign permanently fixed to the outside of the building, which would at least save on the electricity costs associated with the display screen.

But my second reaction was to wonder what a signal failure actually is. We hear it quite often as an excuse but nobody really understands anything about it. Everyone understands what ‘waiting for a train crew at Woking’ means (ie. abejct incompetence on the part of South West Trains). Everyone understands what ‘leaves on the line’ means (ie. abject incompetence on the part of South West Trains).

But nobody really has a clue what a signal failure involves. Does it just mean a total outage, or could it be something much wackier:

.

Nuts’ corner

.

Nuts’ corner (II)

We review recent tweets by or featuring Surrey’s magnificent PCC, Kevin Hurley:

• Hurley: “You silly girl” – inclusive, classy, practically simmering with equality and diversity: 8/10
• Hurley: “I’ve smelt the blood of victims” – stark, gritty realism: 8.5/10
• Hurley: “If you were a conspiracy theorist you could say that there is a lot of effort and money being put into trying to stop me being your PCC again” – answer shows clear understanding of the democratic process: 9/10
• Hurley’s Deputy PCC, Jeffrey Harris: “Bet you didn’t know that Kevin is supporting Felbridge Bowls Club!” – exciting, dynamic, almost arousing: 9/10
• The “ABOUT” page of Jeffrey Harris’ blog: “This is an example of a page” – post-modern, avant-garde: 7.5/10
• Hurley: “If I win, I will be feeding my opponents Marmite with a shovel” – meaningless and yet somehow at the same time clichéd: 5/10

Nirtza

We have come to the end of our blog post. We’ve mocked the powerful, bolstered the underdog and done the parodies. Let us pray that next year’s Gabrielquotes Pesach Special will be in a world redeemed.

Pesach sameach!

Gabrielquotes would like to take this opportunity to wish his readers a joyous Purim – and he invites them to recall how this is a celebration of the Jews being saved from violent massacre, so perhaps we could take a day off from pretending that anything remotely similar is seriously about to take place in Woking, upsetting and unacceptable as Vicky Kirby’s behaviour is.

Be sure to read further down the page to hear about the Palestine Solidarty Campaign’s attempt to get a stall at Richmond’s May Fair and how you can offer Israel your practical, concrete support.

Iain Duncan Smith sainthood confirmed by Vatican

Pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith dramatically resigned on Friday, citing concerns over cuts to allowances for disabled people. His resignation letter said, “The advancement of social justice was my driving reason for becoming part of the Cabinet.”

(In light of his resignation letter you need to restart this section differently. -Ed.)

Exalted social justice campaigner Iain Duncan Smith (pictured right) will be canonised by the Pope on Easter Monday, confirmed Vatican sources.

To be known as St Iain Duncan of Doughnuts, he will be inaugurated as the patron saint of Agreeing To A Policy Then Resigning In ‘Protest’ Against It So As To Make The ‘Leave Europe’ Campaign Look Less Barbarous.

The Government is now recruiting for a new Work & Pensions Secretary. Somewhat ironically, the unemployed are not eligible for the post, so don’t expect to pop down to your local JobCentrePlus and see an advert for:

Watch this space… I sense a new reality TV show coming on.

There’s no ‘tax’ in ‘Tampax’

The most exciting bit of last week’s Budget announcement was the new ‘sugar tax’, also known as the Jamie Oliver Levy, but also rearing its head again was the Tampon Tax.

For readers unfamiliar with this concept, for the purposes of British tax law, feminine sanitary products are considered to be ‘luxury items’ and those wealthy so-and-sos who buy such items pay 20% VAT on top of the price.

But there was an exciting announcement this year: George Osborne has promised to pass on all of the money raised by taxing tampons to breast cancer charities and, in his words, “other girly stuff”.

The idea that he can not only get away with having unjustly taken people’s money by belatedly promising to give it to a good cause, but decide to continue unjustly taking it so long as he continues giving it to a good cause, is an interesting one.

Similarly, the Hatton Garden safe deposit robbers, having been found guilty of three counts of Taking Loads of Gold and Stuff in a Build-Up Area, have promised to donate the proceeds of their crime to the North Salford Donkey Sanctuary in return for a lighter sentence.

Leaders of the three main political parties (pictured left) differed in their views on the Budget.

The crime rate rose

There are thieves at work! Botanical gardens at Kew and Wisley have reported a spate of thefts. They suspect that the stolen items are being sold through a fence. (Is this right? -Ed.)

But it’s hardly surprising: after all, you’ve got to pick a flower or two. Song included for free below.

.

Kevin Hurley, Class Act

Surrey PCC Kevin Hurley (pictured) is an odd character. He’s going to quite some lengths to get re-elected on 5 May.

This seems eccentric given the forcefulness of his many statements that he doesn’t want a second term: “If I lose, my problem is solved and I won’t have to waste any more of my precious time with people continually criticising” – and “If I don’t get elected I will breathe a sigh of relief, because I’ve had enough of this” – and more.

But he’s not all shy and retiring. (I wish he was retiring. -Ed.) We knew he was – at least in the opinion of Private Eye – bent and childishly abusive, but it turns out he’s also delusional.

In a fascinating interview he gave to the New Statesman in 2014, he told reporters:

Now, 18 months on from that, he has 2,800 followers (compared to, for example, fellow Surrey politician Anne Milton’s ‘mere’ 7,400), so that’s a success.

Kevin’s 2,800 followers are regularly treated to his views on the great issues of the day, such as his desire to “break the legs” of a particular criminal, after first “battering” him. Perhaps he’s of the view that his role as Crime Commissioner requires him to commission crime.

But voters needn’t feel aggrieved at having to pay the £70,000 salary of this loony thug: it turns out we’re getting an absolute bargain, as Hurley told the New Statesman:

…and therefore…

The election’s on 5 May. He needs to lose. And after all, he wants to lose: he said so.

The Wrong Job

The Office of National Statistics has sensationally revealed that 1 in 3 Britons are “in the wrong job”. Managers up and down the country are apparently getting increasingly narked off that every morning, they get to work and one-third of their colleagues are random people who’ve turned up at the wrong office.

Those particularly criticised for holding jobs for which they are utterly unsuited included Jeremy Corbyn, Boris Johnson, Theresa May, Michael Gove, Jeremy Clarkson, Katy Bourne, Kevin Hurley, Michael Farthing, Stephen Polla (I think we get the gist of it. -Ed.)

Iain Duncan Smith frankly confessed last week that he was in the wrong job (Cut to the credits. -Ed.)

All the fun of the fair

The Palestine Solidarity Campaign is having a tantrum because they’re not being allowed to take part in the Richmond May Fair in Surrey.

I’m actually quite surprised that the ham-fisted PSC were interested in such a cosy, faux-rural environment anyway. A WI cake stall is hardly the place for them to foment their usual brand of ignorent hatred.

Those planned PSC activities in full:

• Guess the Number of Rockets in the Jar
• Iron Dome Shy
• Hook a Flotilla
• Hall of Mirrors (ideal for moral projection)
• Tea Station (featuring pot and kettle)
• Erm…
• That’s it.

Kreditë

Well, as the pensioner of time criticises the benefit cut of eternity, and the woman of fate buys the luxury tampon of destiny, it seems to be the end of the blog post.

In tonight’s episode, the petulant PCC was played by Kevin Hurley, and the petulant Cabinet minister by IDS. Richmond Fair excluded the PSC, and Vicky Kirby re-left the Labour Party. Tampons were taxed by George Osborne and the wrong jobs were held by 1 in 3 Britons. North West Friends of Israel and Sussex Friends of Israel provided editorial support to one particular section. This was an Gabrielquotes production!